i could've loved you at your worst, but you didn't want it,
me,
not polished enough, words ripping at your skin,
molded into your clay, would you have stayed ?

through every winter that i hear your name
i stand in worry that your hands will grow cold,
hoping your voice won't falter,
that you'll only meet people who matter.

there is your pain etched into my very bones,
nights spent listening,
days spent lingering,
tomorrows that will haunt me even when your breath
disappears entirely.

i do not miss you,
in millions of needles, i still fear you,
when your face rises in my mind,
love isn't my first thought,
and yet,
yet,
i would wish you better than all the other times,
would ask the world to quiet down,
would beg my mother to forgive you,
would scrape any piece left of my love
to feed you.

you couldn't understand, you couldn't see.
i forgive you for your worst,
i will let you be.

i feel good here, like i would like to usurp
his life and nest in it instead,
steal his habits, crafty hands,
bask in his kindness
and feel what warmth lies
inside of his body.
what do you dream about ?
i wonder how easier it truly
would feel, as you.
the rewards with no work,
how does it truly feel ?
i know your comfort had a cost, greater
than i could ever pay,
and the rest is simply your mind,
an artist
in the flesh and bone,
and i forget myself.
i envy you,
it fuels me,
thankful.

A peculiar little bird, quite fond of the warmth of
Summer flights,
Has been found perched on my branches
For quite a while
Singing.

A friend to most, quite dear to me,
This little bird
Attached his nest quite messily,
Then went around with evening's glee,
Flying.

A crooked fellow, he loved to sow
Sweet little seeds,
Happy to grow
In the bark, in the soil,
Everything always nurtured in joy,
Glowing.

Alas,
This winter, it seems the cold took you away,
How sad to see a tree with no song,
Left alone in decay.

At last,
When spring comes back around,
In the sway of leaves going round and round,
Like a choir singing along,
Perhaps will be heard another song.

when i dissociate from my thoughts, when i let the anger win

i imagine banging my head on concrete, scrapping the skin off, ripping everything

destroying my eyes on walls, clawing, stabbing my knees again and again and again

and i don’t scream no, i take it

i take it all

it feels good to destroy, at least i feel like

my body is at peace with my mind, i feel complete

i feel complete.

my face bursting open, awfully gorish,
scrapping my head on the asphalt right
in front of my house, door still opened.
the rocks break my teeth and i still
don't stop moving, i don't.
the ground must feel my pain, back to the earth
right at its center my blood should return, safe.
i tear it apart, what's left of me, this awful body
ripped to shreds, destroyed so cruelly, i rip it,
again and again
feel my flesh, see,
see my pain.
watch me.

monster, by the lake
look at me, arms opened wide
i wait
for in your eyes i knew a flame
of wonder, monster
burning away my fears
of you.

sorrowful sorrow,
have you swallowed up
in your endless depths
my good
haunted friend ?
he who was waiting
for me
to come back
by the lake.

here i am, monster
this time i did not run
no,
i embraced each
cursed tree
of this forest.
i walked. no,
i crawled, no
i almost killed my self.
here i am, monster.
i do not fear
your eyes
whatever sadness
anger, pain,
hurt,
they bear.

water, show me my
face,
my arms opened,
show me the eyes,
show me the rotten flesh,
i dare look. i dare.
monster,

here you are.

other people have forced me to bear the price of my own loneliness.
i was its first victim, its first culprit,
my hand, though, was not the one to take aim
and fire the most hurtful shot of all ;
isolation.

i do not look at you with vengeful eyes, because i have learnt to hold kindness preciously.
it is my sadness that is piercing, strong enough
to break my heart,
angry enough to build it back,
worse, if needed, just to go on and  
survive.

in march, i stopped breathing.
one entire year spent stumbling,
and then finally, a friend to us, lost,
never to be heard again, seen again,
in my memories, he keeps on smiling
under the fireworks he lit in all of us.

to the lost ones, to the ones who keep
flailing and flailing through any cities,
any families, any wishes,
i pray for our feet to walk sturdily
to flee our own sorrows, our sad
mistakes, sad, like everyone else's.

when the wind pierces through
my skin, gently,
mouth resonating, I sing.

teeth crackling, rumbles of words
pieces of answers, pieces of mind,
little melodies, I speak.

winter, your harsher airs
creeping through my soft tissues,
bones lonely, I mute myself.

fingernails peeling off, shaking,
puking my insides, cold notes,
cold loves, cold leaves,
cold fears, I shrink.

teach me how to live again, i beg you
forgive me for my impatience and tie me up
    into a better creator, a well rounded friend, any-
    Thing. please, correct me, hold my body right.
time has left me to be all alone in a crowded world,
each of my synapses betraying my will to move
    inside it, surrounded by other fools surviving on
    empty. just like me ! are you just like me. am i
Alone. am i
alone, love, am i alome. love. am i alove. am i alone.
i am alone. i am alone.
Alone.

maybe i can't be creative because i don't
have a life
maybe i can only exist as an artist when i remember
to exist as a being first
but breathing isn't so fun these days,
the dip in my bed, the one in my stomach,
the one in my chest,
i could make art out of more painful endeavours,
but what about emptiness ?

you want to steal it all for yourself
you can't steal 𝑚𝑒 !
i'm all i have.

     I can’t take love and I can’t take its absence.
     I have everything, take none of it.
     I feel sorry for loving too much, I feel sorry for not loving enough,
     I feel sorry for the hope I create in everybody’s chests,
     The smashing realization that it won’t ever come true.

                    Même si je ne sais pas trop quoi en faire et je ne peux pas
                    toujours recevoir le tiens, j'ai beaucoup d'amour pour toi.

what does it feel like to be human
where does difference melt into companionship
how many bridges will i continue to burn,

     why do i exist
             in this small, small frame
                        when will i be enough
                                                                      as me.

everytime a new piece of me is found after much digging
i grieve for all the forms i simply cannot be.

for the almost boy who thought he could be anything,
the harsher truth is found in relinquishing infinites.

i am but a sum of pieces, moving around, evolving,
yet also the difference of all that doesnt make me.

my ***** hands which loathe doors that must stay locked,
they too shall never know peace, shall always hold grief.

every species has its weaklings,
every tree its cracked branches,
there is equity in loss and rotten eggs, i know.

but what does the sorrow in my heart
bring the world around me
but more little drops of despair in this giant sea ?

if i cannot bring myself to love
as it is wanted from me,
if loneliness is the price i pay for a breath,

i would hope somewhere in a desert
a most beautiful blossom
dare to wake.

i don't want to be kissed, i don't wish to be held,
i need to sit on a bus and
go nowhere,
        somewhere in this world.

these are my guts, laid on the table,
and they are hungry for more
than any pair of hands can feed them.
i don't want your prying eyes on me,
i'd rather go blind,
           i'd rather go.

through the cinematic glow of fishtanks,
i see this strange, drowning reflection
of a little portion of my self

in these ***** waters, rocks, pebbles,
feeling more human than any mirror has done me the honor,
a child. radiant.  a child,
brilliant,
a child.

purposeless missions,
                        child of wonders,
it must be remarked
                    that i will miss you.

if you are a house,
then i am only a brick
use me to build you up, lover
i know all of your tricks

if i were a blouse, honey
you’d be the mannequin i’m laid unto
my buttons carefully caressing you
wrong fit, but i’m trying to

there is no gentle story in which both of us
can coexist lately, pretty

you are the feet and i am the shoe
you walk around with me,
but i’m just stuck with you
put me up on your dresser, so anybody can admire
the glow of my leather
if you loved me more, lover,
you’d untie me to you

it's the golden one that you want,
that which is burried deep inside of me,
you dont want the heart who beats the same song
for everyone it meets,
its charm blinded you into reaching
for more,
for more,
for more than that, even.
its not all of me that you love, then,
your fingers only crave the sad embrace
of my golden heart,
i'm not giving this one away.
i'm not.

How do you feel ?
Loveless,
How do you feel ?
Full of love.

A nobody in a sea of people,
Only existing in the eye of the beholder,

Reach for me if you dare,
Love me entirely if you dare.
I've tried before,
I've tried.

in the waves of any river i search for you,
on tennis courts and the old bricks of those crippled houses,
in the harmonies ancient trees make when they meet in the wind,
in the souvenirs of your crinkled hands, working their magic peeling tomatos off their branches,
i discuss you fondly, i see you vividly,
mother of my mother,
like an old love,
a decayed photograph of childhood and
loud kisses on my cheeks.

as i grow and search for a home,
the only one i wish to hold kindly in my arms is
the house of memories built upon your shoulders,
i used to be scared of its ghosts before i learnt about
the passage of time and,
the love it leaves behind.

all the faces full of paint, nailed to the walls,
the abstract shapes of your most prized possessions,
copies with the wrong colours, the lines so thin i thought they would disappear if i looked tightly enough,
unearthed mysteries for the child  i still was.

you were the first to make me breathe out life.
you gave me all the poetry i hold inside.

and in that happiness i see myself becoming
the funniest person i ever met,
this is my most caring, most daring self.
still,
i loathe the selfishness hiding behind my freedom,
i loathe my need for more,
i loathe my undying devotion to desires so unreachable they become almost laughable.
and still i am happy, i can just tell.

i wanna untangle myself from the ashes of the world
we are too rotten to be grateful
horrid little creatures of the land, stomping on it, spitting on it,
too putrid to deserve the right to make amends.

You, who has been pretty all of your life,
the world loves your skin, the crowd loves the thin
curves and contours of your soft body.

You, who is loud like a tornado,
bright as the thunder shakes the earth,
taking up space, filling it up, making it yours.

You, who knew what being coddled truly means,
asking for it then getting the sweet delivery,
the grace of a child, its want for engulfing love.

You, who looks at me just like
I named every planet in the sky on a whim,
and maybe, just maybe, I could have,

But I am just me,
I am just me.

Mine and everyone else's, it seems ;
I should send you poetry, singing your louanges,
your graces, your beauty. Words of god,
Gratefulness unyielding, pouring from every ounce of
my exhausting body.
Let me stop speaking, then ;
So your voice can fill the blank,
teaching us the ways in which we all lack,
humbling us, making you rise.

Have you heard the story, of the man inside the earth ?
Mouths say he stays holding it all, this miracle,
Thanks to all his hainous disdain for anything else
𝑏𝑢𝑡 ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑜𝑤𝑛 𝑐𝑜𝑟𝑒.

Bow down to his feet, kiss them a little bit.
He, who surely must truly be
The Man above us all.

There is this road I take everyday,
The one taking my two feet back to their home.

Some days ago, you used to walk alongside me,
Shared the pavement, shared my hand,
Shared my bed, even.

How many times have I walked this same path,
Thinkin of you,
Wondering when I'd see you again,
How I'd ask to meet you again,
Wondering when it'd make sense again,
me and you.

I am carrying a new body now,
I've been away for a while now,
Left,
And softened my edges close to the sea.

I'll give you time,

I'll give you all the time, even.

But the road to my house is still the same,
And my mind, walking,
Still thinks about you.

every morning and every night
i feel homesick
alone on a bed of concrete
i daydream about a plane and a crowd
of foolish friends hugging me back
every step i take out of the room
makes it all better, i know,
but what about the moment i fall asleep
unheld and unfound,
i wish someone would come free me.

if you can't be happy yet its okay,
i have enough happiness for two,
i'll simply share with you.

you are the person i have loved the most strongly,
the most intense highs, the lowest lows
i love you, feel protective of you,
anywhere you go, i want you to find
loving words and loving hands,
so obviously, take mine first, they wont ever leave,

then find all that you can find,
i trust the world to treat you as kindly as you wish it.

In 10days this was my home
and i knew all its circuits
Then i packed up my bags
In one single moment,
didn't belong here anymore,
Took my dust with me
and said goodbye.
I came in with the sun and am leaving with it in my pocket,
The rain as my deeply felt thanks.

Sometimes i look at my face
and feel sick,
distorted, even.
Who is this, looking back,
should i cover it up
a little bit more,
should i hide it down ?
Gotta stop looking
at this weird parody
of me.

ill be far away,
ripping through the sky,
ill meet you again
in this other life,
ill believe it then
who ive decided to be.

lately ive been getting lost in music,
lately ive been trying my best to drown myself
in a poetic way, mind you,
i've always disliked water.

the strings, the intakes of breath before the voice gets higher,
drums and harmonies and the longing in that last note,
the one that tells you it's the end of the show,
i hear it all now.

lately ive been something, anything, and nothing all at
the same second,
lately ive been tired. lately ive been exhausted. lately ive been in bed. lately ive been out of breath. lately ive been. i have. i think i have, im sure i have.

theres this passage i like, deeper in the song,
you heard of it ? let me explain a bit
please listen to me, for a bit
share my passion, share my love, just for a bit
its all i have, this little bit
feel its lonely rythm, at least.

lately ive been saved by music,
lately ive been falling asleep.

i miss being in love

there was wildness in all the breaths i held for you
so much life in my legs when they ran to you
did you realize how many streets i crossed,
how many days i stayed,
all this food i harvested
just for you.

loving you was brighter than simply loving me.

im going crazy
everytime i feel the numbness
taking root inside my limbs
it makes me sick
it makes me dream of cars
slipping over me
im losing my **** mind
each day calculating
when ill be able to walk
if ill be able to move
when ill have the strength to shower
my body is rotten
and so am i
i want to die
i want to live brighter
i dont have the force for it
i wanna rot in peace

im twenty one and the world won't wait for me anymore,
stuck between living and remembering i lived
every moment has to count,
every second a memory,
can't look at pictures
without  wanting to print them in time, again and again
what if i forget the small pieces i've lived
with you,
when i'll be alone, when the sky will have turned
grey and full of sorrow,
will my old bones remember you

time has passed me by,
and i'm so young i know but
time has passed me by,
and we should savour it, we know but
time keeps passing by,
i'd rather die happy than
bored by destiny,
just passing by

i'll soon be twenty two and that's when
talented gems start to shine,
all the words i wrote,
will they matter to anyone else but me,
will they be sang or heard,
and all i wanted to create,
can't look at my hands
without thinking of wasted potential, again and again,
what if i didn't matter at all,
what if i was the one wasting time,
and when the sky turns its back on me,
will my old bones have lived happy.

I've made it complicated, loving you,
But the seasons have changed,
And so did i, so did you.

Dans tes yeux je vois qui je suis,
Qui je pourrais être aussi,
Dans tes yeux je sais qui tu es,
Toujours, toujours je te verrai.

Dans les lignes de tes mains,
Je reconnais tous les galets qu'on croise aux coins des océans,
A la fois polis et soyeux, carressés amoureusement par les vagues,
Et rauques, sauvages, sculptés par la pluie et l'écume,
Prêts à affronter chaque orage.

Et quand le soleil se lève a tes cotés,
Qu'il se couche dans tes bras,
Dans les sourires de tes reflets
Dans le son de ta voix,
Dans l'effluve de tes pensées,
Dans chaque creux de tes doigts,
Je te vois toi.

You make me go quiet.

i wanna forget sleep,
i want your hands on my chest,
i want to kiss you good morning,
then night,
maybe afternoon too,
i wanna go on a trip,
i want to sing our songs on the radio,
i want your hand in my hand,
i want to live peacefully and know
you won't be too far away from me,
i want to live loudly and know,
you will be way too close to me,
i want to love you all i can,
show it all i can,
live it all i can.

I'll sleep after that.

when people look at our hands,
im afraid of all they can see
of me.

what if they fear
i dont love you enough?
what if they see
all the love i feel for you?

i have to close the door
to their voyeurism.
i have to open it
for us to walk through.

hold my hand tighter,
im still afraid
of me.

i hope i look at you with as much love in my eyes
as you do

you are beautiful to me,
i wish i could explain it better,
make it prettier,

you are the brightest star
the warmest blanket,
the comfort of a soft bed after a tiring day,
the flowers blooming on my porch,
the shape hands make when they mean love.

i know if im beautiful to you,
i dont understand it but im sure it's true,
i love you.

i used to write about
living in lovers' chests,

hiding myself away
in the comfort of softer ribs,

not having to move a bit,
from bigger hands keeping me safe.


i dont want that with you.


make room for me
right beside your body,

i'll keep you in our arms
for as long as it takes to feel warmth,

i won't hide within,
i'll love you loud enough to fly

that's what i feel with you.

All along.
But it scares me shitless to go back
to the way i looked at you with softness in my eyes.
I walked all over myself so
You could breathe a little more
Took bites and bites out of my trust and flesh
So it all could stay palatable.
I know you wanna make it better,
I see you trying so hard but
We're both afraid of each other
And all the hurt our hands could collect
Without meaning to.
Sit down, lover,
Let's talk.