underestimated, misunderstood, falsely accused...

so I glanced at a blank, it looked back

...I smiled, feeling confident,

it grilled me in disappointment....

then a mirror, liking what I'd thought I'd see,

it spat at me...

then within, this time without preconceptions,

I saw unequivocal greatness, glory, victory,

wings spreading, eyes glowing, countenance radiating

...I saw what none can, then realized it was a just a dream,

projected expection of the self amongst the selves,

greatness when I close my eyes to the world,

foul once awoken from the bliss of personal sanctuary,

I was my accuser, misunderstanding myself

overestimating reality by the measure of fantasy..

then, I looked around and saw in many,

that reality had completely replaced fantasy,

so how can they possibly see me?

why then, should I feel falsely accused?

out of my mind today
trying to come back down to earth
i refuse to sleep
i aint tired
i insist
you see its just that
its just that
im finally alone
with myself
my thoughts
so im not all that alone
but there is no expectation or responsibility
like lifes other relationships
there is no relationship like my relationship with myself
and i need to be alone
i am finally alone.
i love it
cause i cant face people anymore
i dont know how to
while still liking myself
someone please take me away

meaning of wishtastes
desires drive delusion
devils delve deepening
seeds to root loathsome leaves
smelt cinders graying goals
craving strangled contentment
under backalley blackness
beats heart sneeze two
cavalcade blue
cacophony in fast dreams

reseized by letting go of circus surlplus
reassurance of real love is real gone
gone is the relooped sad troupe armies of needinesses
truth proofed ****! the magician disappeared
withdrew tears,fears, smears, and leers
now amongst new artful peers
The lions tail was a cobra coming with teeth under the door
awoke then broke my dreams end and don't hafta go back again
ego sinning by ego being a sin says ego
leggo my ego waffle a proper prophet
the jewels three sweet gleams eaten
gifts even the ego cant teacher the reached rifts
sewn up all dischordian accordian polka poked out eyes
belief swam away to the island of surprises
can I ? I can will it . Will then be faithful to real action.
kung fooled schools chop trees sticks
paper stones throw away
I can walk 6 feet on airs invisilbe stairs
ears heard alistening stream just the branch that froots
Shotgun riding to the holy holy holy
Dee vine

I know that the ego is dangerous
everybody sends out warnings for me to **** it
but **** it man, I love that side of me
the side that needs validation from drunk strangers
who take me to their home in the early hours of whatever day it is
or the laughter from a good joke at work
likes and views and comments on these poems
yeah ego is dangerous
but I'll be ****** if it isn't fun

{ impasse }

Non action –again
Under a dim sun
I read the world

and miss the encounter

Di nuovo inazione
Al sole fioco di lucerne
leggo il mondo

–e non t'incontro

Part I: happy things

sunshine
the smell of freshly cut grass in Spring
running thought a sprinkler
passing notes in class
chocolate --
but also:
your mother signing you asleep
laying in a field and wishing on stars
children's laughter
the beating of my heart as I fall in love
                                                      with you.

Part II: things that hurt

paper slicing your skin
a wicked boy tugging at your hair
the crack of your foot as it twists
out of place
stepping on a leggo
falling off your bike --
but also:
your best friend leaving you
               (again and again)
the destruction of a home
your childhood finally falling away
that you can be happy while my heart crumples in
                                                                ­                        on
                                                                ­                           itself.

Part III:  sad things*

unrequited love
lost puppies
bare stages
abandoned theatres
the last cookie --
but also:
moving away
the last page of a really good book
funerals for people you never really knew
funerals for people you really did
watching you
        walk away

elvis è vivo e abita sulla curva delle mie labbra, per questo le ragazze sono tutte invidiose di me e quando mi vedono piangono piangono piangono ma non sanno che a dividermi dal mondo c'è un vetro opaco su cui sono riflessa solo io
qualcuno ci prova a lasciar scritte graffiate con le unghie ma
non leggo. non voglio leggere.

I pray this pupil’s prayer,
penitent for desiring
an end to this madness
of clearing away snow,
only to find more, compact,
beneath the loose surface
      No two snowflakes alike
each snowflake falls with grace
absorbed by tuition fees,
books, books, books!
O the books pour down
clusters of refurbished
cognitive technicalities
      Each unique in its crystal formation
drench my shoes to full with repositories
of Professor gods’ wounded knees and sore egos
do I leggo my Eggo
to feast on academia’s wine
glut on the ambrosia of fine whine?
      What privilege to live in Snowflakia
the snowbanks are too high, Sir!
-still I climb, seeking purchase-
It takes too much time!
-yet I wade through the drifts-
of alabastards’ Judas kiss
       A Snowflake ingrate nation
in turn taken for madness
I cannot find a flick
to fling away wet sopping masses
of absence from classes
brain drain juices taste like molasses
I revile the texture of their pasty *****...
       You haven’t a chance in Hell-
-Ye Gods! Mea Culpa!
I am sorry, O Ponderous Purveyors,
for my blasphemous prayers
I will see the glass is
full of wine not molasses,
I will be a good snowflake and fall
into my pre-planned place
       Your liquid body will purify the well
I want to fall with grace
so I may rise without disgrace.
~
NM
02/04/19

Open love's chest and found nothing inside
My heart became frozen beyond the suicide
People don't understand the spiritual depletion
Living life on the edge pass the birds beaking
Eventually i became a sucker for love
A fool for fools and a answer for slugs
I yearned V-Jays from The record to the bed
Corruption by Vaginal deception messing with my head
Feeling blessed my while feeling misused
Disgusted and busted while feeling like doo doo
Praying daily to The Lord begging for forgiveness
He hugged me deep in my soul as my witness
Thats why i love hard because i was made with bricks
What you mad for because I'm sensitive about my ****?
You mad because i have a brain and use it?
You're religious rhetoric causes me to loose it
I'm real about mines so stand clear of the b.s.
Just because you're life is a test doesn't mean i ain't blessed
What it mean is my window pane is free and clear of the rain
My eyes are too dryed out for the pain
So the next time you try to break me down
I will Leggo your heart just to F5 that ******* down.

Quando idealizziamo qualcuno stiamo dicendo molto più di noi che della persona stessa.
Nessuno è perfetto, sei tu che lo vuoi vedere così o forse hai bisogno di vederlo così.

Bisogna scindere ciò che racconta l'arte e "ciò che vorremmo che fosse"dalla realtà.
Perché soffriremo quando la realtà si scontrerà con le nostre idee.

Ma questa è anche una grande liberazione: non abbiamo bisogno noi stessi di essere perfetti per essere amati.



(Per chi legge: Io non sono uno psicologo, e so pochissimo di psicologia ma osservo tanto, quindi può essere che scrivo boiate, però ci provo lo stesso a scrivere ciò che penso, che deriva dall'osservazione di me stesso, da quello che leggo da professionisti, dall'osservazione degli altri e dal mero pensiero razionale.
Lo faccio più che altro per me stesso, per non dimenticare alcuni concetti che reputo fondamentali per la mia vita, perché il mondo è veramente grande e complesso e si fa in fretta a dimenticare. Inoltre è ovvio che mi fa piacere essere letto e criticato ;) )

E secondo me questo è alla base della nascita e del mantenimento di relazioni narcisiste: il narcisista mina la tua autostima (probabilmente già bassa?) e svaluta le tue azioni. Creando uno squilibrio immaginario tra te e lui. Dove lui è Dio e voi esseri umani che sbagliano e che devono farsi perdonare.("io sono migliore di te, io ** fatto così a causa tua, la colpa è tua non mia, sei tu che esageri).
Ricorda anche un po' le religioni, vero? Lol
Ebbene, questo è solo un appunto, nella mia testa il concetto è molto più ampio, comprende anche la filosofia dell'errore e altro, maaa per ora va bene così.

_______

Non voglio essere messo su un piedistallo, così come non metterò nessuno su un piedistallo, perché questa è la prova che o non ci vedono per ciò che siamo o che noi non vediamo gli altri per ciò che sono.

You in a moment
standing still where your at;
Caught in a breeze or a voice talking to you
maybe your own sitting where you sat.
Everyday  awakened you walk back to this life
one, sometimes so stagnant, it cuts with a knife
Push through each day with pressure and thickness;
turning out depression, sadness, sad sickness.
Flowers bloom this morning with one morning Hello
then until the moon beams shine on us saying goodnight in a sultry glow.
Feel me at night,  I lay my energy next to your soul
It is you, in this madness that makes thy Soul whole.
We dance in our dance, you twirl me in our dreams;
Hold my hand as we talked about, almost felt it seems
You can pull me over to fall into your heat, just for me to  lick up all your delectable treats.
I know that you fien for me morning and night and I fein for your
soft and slow movements in my seducing insights,
Rocking so slowly on top as I will,
Dancing my aroma through you, but yet laying so still.
I will rock just a little, enough for your love to reach a place,
One that I have marked for you and your beautiful grace.
So slowly walk towards me and to start our playful
sliding, grinding, the meetings so near;
I will know when I sense you coming, Ill will taste you in the air.
I will arch my neck so slightly to sense you behind me
Then let your lips **** my skin so delectably.  
You and me got a gift between us in so many miles
It makes us happy, it makes us flow and is bundled with smiles.
WE rock and roll with music of all walks of life, you draw me into you like a peace of our art,  so clean and precise;
But you make me messy with the laughs and the giggles and belly rolls.
That why we connect to each other like leggo Souls
Dont leave me without telling me your going, if you ever do walk
away from our thing;
and if you do ever in life, I am grateful for the love and trust you bring.
We are going to be free one day, you wait and see,
Get ready, get set, I'll race you on 3............................ Love you Baby!
Love Jawauna