"kgs" poems
after years of being told how good my body was
i went through puberty.
after years of being asked how much time i spent at the gym
i grew hips
and disconcerting looks from grown men who thought my fifteen year old thighs were too thick to be sexualized.
after years of wearing sundresses
and being applauded for being the first girl in my grade to grow *****
my metabolism slowed down
and i was made to feel like a cowbell in the least practical sense of the word.
i was thirteen and hunched over a porcelain toilet bowl when i told my friend i had purged and she called me gross as if it wasn't because of feeling "gross" that i was there to begin with.
and i'd grown used to my good-gened friends with their tiny waists and size 32 jeans telling me they wanted to join a gym in hopes i'd run along and lose some weight.
because when i was 13 and weighed little enough to turn heads i felt empty while looking whole.
and when you're fat you can't have an eating disorder, because illness can be seen so how good of a job my ana was doing depended solely on how faint i felt by midday.
in a world where nobody buys magazines it's easy to pretend we don't care for skinny bodies anymore, but when every smartphone is linked to an instagram page and every newsfeed is filled with "slim thick baddies" you can't help but wonder.
if i were to feel physically full why am i so empty?
i cheated myself.
she probably went and cheated on me because my body wasn't slim-thick enough to eat.
and it's easy to say this doesn't apply to me when you see the pictures on the beach but you don't see me scrolling through pinterest at 2 in the morning looking at "How To Lose 10 kgs in 3 Days" posts.
if i were so lucky i'd be a success story and could probably post before and after pictures of my body but you can not hear the ache in my belly screaming at me that it'd rather just be cut off.
when i was fourteen i could no longer wear shorts in public because grown men with wives would turn and watch my thighs clip-clap together as i walked with my dad.
i was asking for it.
i resented summer and the fact that i'd run out of clean pairs of jeans to sweat in.
but if i dare love myself, what then? do i apologise to the girlfriends of the boys who visit me for coffee? do i drink coke light with my whiskey? do i start writing poetry?
Sep 4, 2016
Sep 4, 2016 at 6:44 PM UTC
there was nothing beautiful about it
her cheeks lost the gentle blush
her hair fell out in clumps
her teeth began to yellow
nails weak and broken
lips bruised and bleeding
there was nothing beautiful about
her scarred arms
or swollen eyes
she wasn't lovely
she wasn't kind
she'd just gone
and lost her mind
there was nothing beautiful about it
losing all her friends
being reduced to numbers on a scale
gpa or kgs
having her best friend give up on her
having her boyfriend yell at her for not taking care of herself
having her mother cry out in sorrow
having her little sister lose a role model
there was nothing beautiful in the pain she felt
there was nothing beautiful in her sadness
there was nothing beautiful
about waking up
to a dying heart
-
*the blood in my veins has dried
the spark in my eyes has died
my past self cries.*
Feb 15, 2016
Feb 15, 2016 at 8:27 AM UTC
You need a little diplomacy:
You're Tammy's daughter, right?
Yeah.
Hi my name is Eric, I'm 28. May I ask your mother for your hand.
Dude it's 2006 and I'm 17, I can't get married
but go ahead and ask, she'll roundhouse kick you out of the building
It's ok we'll wait a year.
Can I come and watch you ask?
You need patience
Because the guys from F&B;
Are picking up the trays
And they've pressed
On every single button
And need at least 30 seconds
In each floor
That's 5 minutes before the elevator comes.
And everyone knows you:
"You know you're just like your mother"
is he picking a fight
"Hi Mona Lisa"
***
"What time do you finish"
stop asking and tuck in your shirt
And you always smile:
Wiping fingerprints off a glass door
"Excuse me, pay I pass?"
"You know what, I dare you"
One look that says
"Feet up"
And the sporters are easy going
And when their garbage bags weigh
About 20 kgs
They'll take down their own thrash
Because they're "tall and strong"
And you're not.
And the strangest things happen:
"Can you two stop having *** on the piano?"
And you learn to connect the dots
"Andy's going to **** you"
"Yeah"
"What are we going to do"
"I have leftover doughnuts. Andy likes doughnuts"
"Oh you're fine."
And at the end of the day
When you go down to the foyer
And find a taxi parked in the middle
You don't ask how did it get in here
Because you turn the hell around
"I can't even process that"
Oct 15, 2015
Oct 15, 2015 at 5:40 PM UTC
Waking up with the power to acquire the success I ran behind,
My head starts to spin as soon as I hit my bed empty-handed.
I ate my feeling away,
Digested the food but not the emotions.
Punched my stomach, just to stop my hunger.
My state of mind died,
while I counted the calories I consumed.
I lost nine kgs but I'm still sad.
Maybe my body wasn't the problem all along.
Maybe it was me, not accepting myself,
Whilst accepting people who really didn't care.
But I'm ready to break my boundaries.
I'm ready to grow and not just belong.
Aug 18, 2020
Aug 18, 2020 at 11:43 AM UTC
Oh?
So I'm a nasty *****
Oh?
So I'm a lunatic?
But I've been the lollipop that has been licked?
Oh?
So I'm the ******
Even after you betted on my suicide, ***
Why would I respect my elders when they didn't respect me?
Why was I the one interested in your essays?
You're the victim? バカ!
You're not like Mika!
Come on! Come on! Come to America with your samurai sword!
That's what you swore!
Square up *****
Square up with your Chinese "nasty *****
Can't walk, old fat man?
Use your samurai sword
Oh? I'm a fat *****
I'm a fat *****
After sending you
A picture
Of my body?
My hourglass body?
The one that you can see ribs?
Wow... Should've stuck with Cinderella
I'm 48.98 kgs
Yet you claim I'm 65.77 kgs
That's a stretch!
You haven't told me your weight
Are you that insecure?
No?
Then why are you gatekeeping it?
Yes sir
I'm built like a man
And you may be built like a can
What does this prove???
............
Oh?
Your friend likes me?
Crazy
Next time
Just tell me I'm ugly
Next time
Just tell me I need plastic surgery
Oh? My art *****
You make a tutorial out of it?
Expect me to keep up?
Okay! This looks exactly like my Shadow!
If not, just watered down!
You just wasted my time
Oh? Telling me you've been wanting to choke me?
After you strangled me twice?
Maybe even thrice
Now you're going in for more rounds?
Crazy work
Oh? You're going to explain to me how *** works at the ripe age of 7?
Excellent
Oh? Did you expect me not to get at least somewhat hypersexual?
Oh? You're going to twist my nips and say that tickling my *******
I was only uncomfortable
Kept telling you to stop yet you didn't stop
You thought I was laughing which provoked you to continue
All nice things
May come to an end
Mar 11, 2025
Mar 11, 2025 at 11:12 PM UTC
As the clock ticks 12
I go out to enjoy
the cold midnight breeze
the sky isn't clear
but nor is my head
the stars sure were beautiful
but the clouds are too
i guess
everything has its season
but not a reason
Mar 8, 2025
Mar 8, 2025 at 1:57 PM UTC