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i like being alone

it's either because of
the velvet comfort that hugs you
telling you
to listen to your breathing
to be kind to only yourself
or
how i don't need to
drown in the sea of people
who make me
want to **** them
or myself
plant me in another garden
so i'm not rooted here
you
you are a river
always constant, always changing
always sweeping up everything that
f
          a
l
          l
         s        
                 into
     you
if you asked me
why i love him,
i couldn't really tell.
i guess it's the way
his ocean blue eyes
reflect the sunlight;
the way his hair never
has a permanent colour;
the way he says my name,
the way he calls me "queen";
the way he pouts his lips,
or the way his voice
trembles slightly
when we talk;
the way he lights his
cigarette
or the way he breathes
out the smoke;
the way his hand
is made for mine,
the way he fits around me
perfectly;
the way he says
"i love you";
the way he always calls me
when i am in need;
or the way he'd never
ever ever leave.
or maybe none of this,
or maybe a whole another
set of reasons.
but all i know is
that he's mine
and i am his
until the world is gone
and far beyond then.
for sam.
Selflessness and broken hearts
Alone and crying in the dark
Vast spaces of skin shouting to be cut
Empty holes where once there was a heart and there were lungs
Mourning a soul that once was alive
E**mbrace the corpse you left to rot
i think about the girls
in my class;
the one we have
an inside joke with,
tho we have nothing
else in common;
the one who plucks
my eyebrows
and asks me for
advice and
help with homework;
the one who thinks
i'm a nice person;
the one to whom
no one else is nice;
the one who likes
to hug me all the time
and calls me a friend;
the one who adores
chanel and likes
to talk to me
sometimes and sits
next to me in chem class;
the one i used to be friends
with but we fell out
though we still talk sometimes.
i think about
the other girls
from the golden five;
the two who are
inseparable and
nice to me and
understand me somehow;
the one who
shares my fandoms
and i can vaguely call
an actual friend;
the one i grew up
with who drools
over tom hiddleston
and sherlock and
books with me.
i think about
my literature teacher
who told me
she loves me
and about my
english teacher
who hugs me when
she's proud of me.
i think about
all the other teachers
who call me
exceptional.
i think about
the boy who used
to be my best friend
for two years
but we drifted apart
and yet he'd still
call me if he needed someone.
ithink about
the girl i stalk and
whom i send sweet messages to.
i think about
T. whom i love dearly
and V. whom i love dearly
and N. whom i love dearly
and M. whom i love dearly.
i think about my
sun and stars
who breathes for me,
my knight,
my heart.
i think about
the boy i love
and how even though
he said goodbye
he's "not indifferent"
(and about a promise
i made),
and about his mother
who adores me.

i think about my
mother who loves me the most
about my father
who calls me
princess
about my brother
who pulls my hair.
about my grandparents
and aunt and cousin,
about my mother's
best friends.

and then
i ask myself
"if all these people
are going to cry
if i happen to die,
if all these people
will lose sleep
and scream into
their pillows at night
and ask themselves why,
what does it matter
that i
don't
love
myself?"
I'm undone.
I'm scattered.
Do me.
Do me like a drug.
Abuse me and
unscatter
the dust
I have become.
i found something
on my skin.
oh look,
fingerprints
there where you'd
touched me!

i found something
on my lips.
oh look,
bitemarks from
when you kissed me.

but when i looked
at my heart
searching for
something else you'd left
i couldn't find it.

i guess you were
charging for
your kisses
and the price was
too much for me to pay.
Softly, now
Break me softly
Leave but your musings to the breeze
Let me revel in the tears I weep
Gently, now
Push me gently backward
With those hold-me-and-grow-old hands
Brush me aside like embraces were sand
Quickly, now
Quickly cut the ties
Do not stay to watch me crumble
Do not wait to hear me lie
you left behind plane tickets
in my wallet
because when we were on
that plane
we were one
and like a wife
I kept your belongings.
you left behind train tickets
all over my room
in my purse
and in cupboards
to awake memories
whenever I find them.
you left behind
a Walkman,
a pair of earphones.
a bracelet.
a book.
gifts from your mum.
a bunch of photos.

I left behind
pieces of paper
with my heart
laid out on them
naked and
entirely yours.
I left behind
a watch.
a bracelet.
My scent on your
red sweater.
A bunch of photos.

I wonder if you deleted
all our pictures.
I wonder if you threw
away my letters
like you deleted me
like you threw my
love away.
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