Your hands were too tight around my neck
But you said you like when I wear chokers

You say you like when I come over

Come closer

            But only when you tell me to

Like how you like to tell me that it’s over

Watch my eyes turn to oceans that you control the tides to

Watch my body fall to pieces right in front of you

Watch me melt into myself
And question every “I love you”
Every “I’d die for you, would you die for me too?”

             You see me dying for you.

Dying for your desire
Dying to see one piece of truth in the eyes of a liar

You see me searching for the man I fell in love with as you burn me with words of fire

           You ask me why I’m crying

But as soon as I try to give you a reason worth while, you slap the tears from my skin

You dare me to open my mouth again
You say “baby put your foot on the gas, let’s go for a spin”

         You give me that same sinister grin

The same on you gave me the night you told me you shot that man

The same one you looked over your shoulder with as you brought brass knuckles to the face of someone being too femme

That grin you gave the prophet as she warned you of the suffering to come due to your sin

                      That ******* grin

Not the one I fell in love with
But the one that laughed in my face when I said I was leaving

The one that put a gun to my head just to say, “I love you baby, I’m not teasing”

But that you scared me, it tricked me, it said you wanted to please me

But in reality in only made me confuse pleasure with pleading

last night i dreamt of you

the ***** kind...

where i could feel you sinking inside me
the way my bare feet sink into the earth
after a nights hard rain

the ground wasn't the only thing getting soaked...

last night i dreamt of you

the kind with grips holding on to love for life...

and backs being folded and scratched with eyes closed and mouths silently moving in satisfaction

last night i dreamt of you

and i woke up squirming, pleading to God
i could go back into my mind for a little bit longer

to love you, to touch you, to ******* some more...

crossing over that fog encased bridge
the wind doing ceremonial
freedom dances with my hair

that first step out of the taxi
and onto the vividly colorful
rejoicing streets of New Orleans

the little drummer boy who played
his instrument with such passion
my feet couldn’t help but leap along
to the rhythm

the hippie man on the balcony
who shared with me his passionately
growing love for his wife... along with
his one hitter too

and his wife who was never empty handed or lacking energy to dance
with any and everybody who danced back

the twenty something times my best friend looked at me and told me i was beautiful, each drink he consumed making his voice more desperate and his eyes look deeper within me

when the girls below us lifted up their blouses and exposed beautiful ******* of all different shapes, sizes, colors, forms

and the flying beads i threw around their necks like champions, followed by my arms extending as i did a jig of excitement

the wonderful soul of a girl who bought my drinks and told me to follow my dreams

5, 4, 3, 2, 1.... and a kiss
with my best friend who might as well
be in love with me

a cheers
to friendship and freedom
to beauty and love
to life

maybe tomorrow i'll run away
to a city i've never seen
and play music i've never heard

maybe i'll meet a boy
who has no destination in mind,
but a plan to go anywhere but home

maybe we'll hold hands
and cross oceans together
never a word spoken between us
but an understanding of the wonder at hand

maybe we'll hike mountains
and scream our lungs out at the top
open our arms and hear our echoes
through the vast plains upon us

maybe one day we'll be treading through the snow
with frost bite noses and persisting hearts
he'll look at me and without saying a word
i'll know, this was his home all along

green debris
all over tan seats
tree debris
my mom will get in and ask,
“who’s been smoking ****”

i’ll shake my head
at my clumsiness
**** you shaky hands
and a mind too busy

i’ve been waitin on a good high all day
too bad i spilled my almost rolled blunt

he stares at me with dedication
never batting an eye

he never does anything more than stare,
as if i am his constant line of sight

a coincidence i suppose

but unlike the others,
he never darts his eyes in a new direction
when mine meet his

we are in a staring contest
me and the boy across the room

not a word said
never a sound made

his hand rests heavy on my leg
as if someone has threatened to
steal me away from his embrace

our trust is in the basement
locked away in solitude....
sometimes when he's away
i sneak it prayers under the doorway

grips on my arm become too tight
when he discovers my clandestine doings
"you don't deserve trust"
he screams with his eyes

i put on the perfect smile
he wants me to have, but
my soul craves freedom
from these chains i've allowed
it to call home for so long

i asked him how much longer
we would allow ourselves to
drown in each other's dubiety

but he didn't understand my metaphor,
so he locked me away too, leaving me
only with sanguine whispers between
me and what never got a chance to truly be....

His lips are a spoonful of honey
and she is the steam that lingers
above his coffee on cold mornings
It's vapor leaving a kiss so soft
on lips of the one that got away

I've been thinking of you less lately. Thoughts of you and of us no longer spin around my mind like a tired merry-go-round. I am no longer impatient with your schedule that has no room for me. Instead, I secretly rejoice that temptation has no hold on me today.

I'm scared to see you. I'm terrified that those eyes and hands will lead me down a path I've prayed I wouldn't walk again.

I've prayed for you too. I hope God gave you the message. I hope he told you to be the man I need. I hope he told you to be the man that lights me up just as He does.... I hope you listen.

Recognize divinity in my youth
and remember how we made love
between the sheets
with beating hearts and whirring
emotions

See me as fire against the cold winds
and hear my moans become hymns of
your touch

Take me higher with every breath
you whisper in my ear
and float with me in the lovers clouds

Never let my touch leave your memory
or the taste of my lips on yours

Breathe my scent and remember
every moment born from love
and the nights holding onto the
darkness like lovers hands

"you'll grow out of him"
my brother's whiskey stained voice
whispers words i hear too loud

i won't.

"he's not good for you"
my mother's wide eyes
try to convince me

he is.

"you don't actually believe y'all will actually end up together do you?" my best friend stares straight
in a reminiscent daydream, nothing but
mistrust and the scars of encountering
artificial love in her eyes

i do, i tell her.
and she shakes her head
grieving my heartbreak to come

"just promise me you won't love him too much"
my grandmother pleads as she runs her
fingers through my hair

what if i already do?

how is it you make me fall in love with you all over again and again? why do you send fireworks through my body when your lips touch mine and why do i crave you like a drug?

i’m not trying to make you some significant metaphor but you’re what my mind runs circles around. you alone are what i dream about and think about until my body feels your fingers silently slipping down to places i don’t dare move them from.

your fingers are the conductor to my body’s symphony... they trace my outline, make me move in sync with your passion. up, down, squirm, groan... i crave you more. you slip yourself inside me and the trumpets of love begin to play out between our bodies. how could i ever imagine playing another instrument?

only you are what my mouth desires and what my insides thirst for. only your love. only you. ONLY you can quench what i crave. a heroine addict doesn’t feign for *******, in the same way, you are my substance of choice.

you make my blood flow faster and my heart beat heavier, in the way i feel everything more with you. i feel you. i hope you feel me too. i feel your presence when you walk in the room undeniably. i feel the tension of me wanting your lips on me the second you walk in.

when your hands brush the skin on my legs i want them to grip me tight and slide down into me. i watch an entire dream of our desires play out in front of me: grips tight and lips locked, our breathe in sync with the movement of our bodies. i want you to feel me the way i feel you.

in the same way your presence is so undeniable, your absence is as well. my yearning for you never seems to settle when you’re away. that feeling of belonging wherever you are takes me over. it doesn’t matter who we’re with or what we’re doing. standing in your presence is better than alone and tasting your lips is better than dreaming of their touch.

don’t get me wrong though, i enjoy fantasizing about you. is it a sin that i do it so often? is it wrong of me to feed my cravings of you with **** fantasies of our love? to imagine your lips kiss every surface of my skin there is and **** at places that make me squirm? to dream of your fingers and lips synchronizing they’re desires to my body? to dream it so hard i swear i can feel you playing inside me... i adore your various body parts playing fun games between my legs.

i sometimes want to turn back the clock so i can watch your mouth devour me and entertain all my fantasies of you... it seems like every one just gets better and better. anything involving you, me, and our love is destined to be something passionate.

never have i ever felt a passion so deep within me. i thought i did three years ago, when you first touched my lips with yours and i was lost for words and for a breathe and for my sanity because i knew it was all over with for me. i knew from then on out every future desire i had would be in memory of that kiss, and in pursuit of another.

you fulfilled a craving i didn’t even know i had but then it became so much more. it became a way of life, a way of love. to be with you became the way i wanted to be.

but you see, that feeling i had three years ago wasn’t even a reasonable portion of the things i feel for you now. then it was something innocent, and i’m glad it began that way. i wouldn’t have wanted to be rid of my innocence by anyone but you.

but now you’re all my head can make up pretty thoughts about. now you’re all my body can feel true relief from. you are all. there is no other. i hope there never is.

I hastily half-build a wall between us
finally demanding that it's what I need

Hearing your footsteps around the corner,
your voice previously so enticing,
now sounds like chains
coming to wrap me up once again...

I take off
my bare feet running from the prison
of your sweet trickery one last time
as fast as my adrenaline will take them

But I don't have enough self control
not to look back

When I do, I witness your purple fist
grip tight around the neck of my shirt
and I realize I've been wasting my energy
running in place

Running circles in a place
I no longer wish to display upon my tired eyes

As much as I wish to push on
and out of your death grip
I do what I know I shouldn't

I look into those chocolate eyes
just as they begin to rain salty tears

And down to your heart that is now melting
out of your chest and down your body
dripping a thick red onto your once white shoes

You'll probably blame me for the mess

My pace slows,
my heart yearning to be your comfort
one last time

But my mind reminds me of the countless memories
of heavy hands coming down on me
along with all your shattered promises

And suddenly all pity has vanished
my once vulnerable heart warped
into an unrecognizable icy thing

I break free of your hold
the sound of my shirt tearing
sounds like freedom

The wind on my skin
like a breathe of fresh air

Suddenly, I feel the weight of the world
lift off my shoulders
and I feel 100lbs lighter

I race away
leaving you, arm still extended,
as if to say you'll always love me
in some deformed way

Slumping in a puddle of gooey heartache and red

collect our memories in a box
and take them with you
wherever you may go after me

carry it under your arm
as you tread along new grounds

and when you miss me
don't bother to shoot me a text
or **** me with the tease of your voice

just open up our box,
my scent spilling over the edges

peer into our past
and dissolve into the memory of me once again

Memories of closeness
You ponder on the thought

How it used to be, shouldn’t be,
And how you think it ought

Bare bodies in oblivion
To the thought of expectation

Run rampant and wrestle
Painting a transitory picture of close relations

But pictures change over time
They can warp, shrink, crack, or crease

The profound perfection of fresh paint is such a sweet tease

Those innocent neck slaps
And holding of hands

The meaning of ulterior motives
A concept no one yet understands

The telling of secrets under covers
Without choking on words of honesty

Or the tangling of limbs in the morning
Not a sign of love or lust

Simply a playful commodity

This picture of closeness you made,
Where have you hidden it away?

Back in your hometown?
In your basement?

Perhaps somewhere no experience gets a say?

Because I bet if you brought it out again
Examined it a bit closer

You’d see beauty in vulnerability
And in your reflection, a poser

This youthful subject of yours
Living in peaceful oblivion

While you manipulate your heart
To only break even….

Because as you get older, you realize things like pain and passion cannot be separated with such ease

You realize closeness is not so attainable
When vulnerability has been seized