I’m crashing
And yet
I keep trying to be this
Thing
A positive receptacle
Though
I find myself
Depleted
Of the
Moxie that is
Me

As I write
Streams down my face
A silent cleansing
Of thoughts
Times and roles
I can’t do it
I want to scream
Rage and …
**** my anxiety
Like a tsunami
Drowning my sanity
I hold on
To some electron
Of hope
Waiting for it
To purge out
This exasperating
Existence

There’s a lot I can handle
Much I can take
But one thing can’t stand
And don’t tolerate

It’s when you ignore me
Because it’s a lie
A forgery in process
A system of deny

Face up to the music
Feelings and trust
Why hide from the truth
Or cover it in lust

Running from what
Yourself in the lack
Indecisive pathways
Or reasons in your sac(k)

Whatever the problem
I no longer care
Cuz ignoring is my limit
And you did dare

I feel it
Building again
That need
Or desire
To burn

Burn outside
And in
Without remorse
Or force
For you

Competing minds
For each
Wanting
That stronghold
Or sway

Who controls
Who begs
For more
The willing
Or reluctant

Stretch out
Reach in
Entice me
Show yourself
Become

Melted connection
Twisted into
Separate sensations
Given for you

Oh that link
Threads to the mind
Grazing my soul
To find its’ kind

Tethered to me
Right in my heart
Bring another cord
Lest we part

Patterns
Of time
Like 3 days
Or two weeks
Perhaps every six months
Or only on a Tuesday
Because it’s their day off
Every cycle
Of the moon
Fully new or sliced
28 days
A 2 by fortnight
Is it the yearly exchange
Perhaps the hourly check in
Seconds go by
And I wait
For the next
Time

I pretend it’s you
little message
Was for me
That tiny splash
The hearts and trees
A couple of teases
Beneficial friend
Or a ship with trails
But really
It’s just a fake hang up
Cuz if you did
You would

I dreamt of you again
It was an odd dream
You were far off
Yet right there
Waiting in a room
It kept changing locations

I was to paint this room
But since it kept moving
I couldn’t find the room to paint
And I could see you in this room
Waiting for me
Reading, watching, wondering

I tried other routes
To reach you
None worked
Yet you still waited

Maybe it’s time
You come out of the room
And find me
..... waiting

It ebbs and It flows
Like the desert wind
Into murky soup
across some unknown veil
A Frequency of Signs
And Co-Signs
It bombards and It leaves
abandoning like fallen trees
Trying to survive
Inside a wave of tides
Or a rip of monsoons
It was a nuisance
It was a heartache
leaving was survival
Time to put out/get out
Flip to the other side

I came upon a crossroad
In the view of one year ago
That this life can be different
Something that had better flow

At the time I didn’t know
What the final change would bring
Only knew I needed some fragment
That would finally let me sing

Bored
Out of mind
Sitting here in masks
Trying to check out
Without checking in
Eye contact
Evade
Waiting
Watching
Listening

The meaning of love
You never knew
The usage of love
Was like a shoe

You wore it
It served its purpose
You walked on
And gained purchase

It was a comfort
All worn in
It was a conflict
Bottom got thin

Never repairing
Just worn and shorn
And never resoling
What was completely torn

The giving of love
Is like a shoe
The giving of love
Covers, protects, and needs a renew

I’m super lonely
For you
Why you?
I don’t know
I wish I wasn’t
The sense that it makes
Is none
It’s no sense
Or nonsense
But it’s there
I want some presence
From you
Hear your words
Connect to your mind
I could easily reach out
I do every time
But....
But couldn’t you
Show me
Just once
That you
Sought me out
Because you were lonely
For me

I want to be heard
Take that moment
To listen to my words
Perhaps hear my heart
Beat—in them
The duty of my soul
When my spirit says
“I’m over here”
Then you might
Know me
If you even wanted to

I know I’ll be ok

But right now it hurts

I miss that ******

My bro
My confidant
My best friend
My lover

What happened?

I’m looking everywhere for you
Some hint…

It hurts when I find that sliver of you
It’s a slice into my soul

I know we had something real

Finally having a person that likes you
for all of you…
And I mean ALL
It changes you.

He wanted to see my smile and face.
He remembered things about me.
He wanted to know how my day was.
He looked at me and saw ME.
He saw my flaws and still came back around.

And then…

I don’t know what happened.

His pain got in the way
Life struggles

I must move on

But it hurts

And I’ll be OKAY

I visited my hallway today
Anger was boiling inside
I slammed open the door
And yelled for all
“Get the **** out”
They scrambled left and right
Some disappeared
In the back
Misting away
One tried to beg
To stay inside
Another was cocky
Thought he would stay
But I screamed again
For all to leave
So I could finally have peace
From the yahoos
In my head

A forced
Change of perspective
Is like
A shot of adrenaline
Stabbing right through
Your eyeball
Straight to
That cerebral cortex
Which makes you
Stand Up
and say,
“What in the ever loving ****
… was I doing?”

I’m afraid
And yet I want it
And am afraid to want it
Yet it calls to me
Every day

Would you have
Those memories of me
In a decade or two
Remember my name
Last time I talked to you
Could you recall
Any details of me
Of how I write my words
Or like certain melodies
I wonder at any significance
I could possibly bring
When there are hundreds
In the courtyard
Ready for a fling

Enter in my hallway
Intention is your key
Show attention to your ward
Or they’ll turn and flee

Whisper to me **** words
And take me in your arms
Don’t care about the place
Woo me with some charms

Another day we’ll say hello
Tomorrow may be goodbye
But I’ll be at your behest
If only you would try

Equal parts
not really
On the scale of...
Delusion
Grandeur
Megalomania
what’s that
you are struggling
Seeing anew or a new
Perspective
Is it a sure thing
Are you?
am i?

What am I doing
Playing at
Is it play acting
Am I on stage
Enjoyment for one
Like a pendulum swing
No push pull mechanics
Only my own **** mind

And I’m tired
of chasing you
Come to me
when you are ready
when you no longer can deny

Our Chemistry

What are you thinking?
Nobody really wants you
It’s a quick **** or pic ****
Great ****… maybe ***
Look look lookie loo
And then…
Why would they really want a

Tired, single mom
Who is plain and overweight
Someone who is too much
And lacking at the same time

They will be your friend
You make a great friend
Loyal and honest—wait
Too honest
Pull back

You make a great
acquaintance sidekick/wing person

They will pass the time with you
and you will somehow get them laid
by that hot skinnier one over on the yonder

When I think about you
What you can do to me
How I can please you
Where we can touch
Who we can become

Now is the time
Sink into me
Resting at your feet
Here into each other
We become addiction

I want to be seen
while I hide in a cave
To have some Drama
as I dig my grave

Exposed
in my own shadows
As I Dream
in forgotten gallows

No other stoppages
breaking free
I want an Experience
that’s not about me

If you asked
I would say yes
Because
You’ve never asked
And if you told me
I would do it
Because you never have
If you searched
You would find me
But you didn’t look

I wasn’t even the same
Not in shape or size
I was different
In color and my thighs

I wasn’t similar to her
And definitely not them
I was an anomaly
A flawed and broken gem

I wasn’t that important
Or essential to the game
I was just the sidecar
So why treat me the same?

You probably have no clue
How much you hurt me
And besides
Would you even care
If you knew

Like when we were together
You did not
So now I have a deep cavern
And time fades
Memories become surreal

Edges smooth down
Remembering that
‘It wasn’t so bad’
The good times win out
Because your arms felt good

Forgetting your cruelty
The carving of my soul
Losing who I was
Becoming a droid
of your making

As I wake up
Those events were a dream
Right?
They fade into my ether
When I think of your warm body

Is that what I miss?
Just your sinew and skin
The smell of your presence
Because your actions
Did not feel good

And your inaction—
That felt lonely
Or your lack of
communication
Felt like a windowless room

I will cling to those memories
To recall your disgust
They make me stronger
In my resolve
Becoming myself again

And again

I hate being Vulnerable
as you can see
each occurrence
adds to my death

I’m ripped open
to bleed out

All over the sky
throughout my halls
splattered over someone’s walls

and I search for the stitches
that will bring me back
to some heartbeat
or even a quiver

Because somehow
I should function
In this Menagerie of Life

after you left me to rot
in the backyard zoo

of your closet

I see patterns
Of people and things
Some draw me in
Others repel me

Then those patterns
That I can’t figure out
Eventually are revealed
Over time, even distance

Or there are patterns
In beginnings or starts
That were interesting
But really just a veneer

Then I saw a pattern or was it two
One was all these things, yet none
Another was cacophony of intrigue
And a piece of melodramatic nonsense

As the first was entwined
Inside a mysterious vibrato
The second wrapped words
In a seductive dance

Yet the shadows of each appealed
To remain as they could suffice
Choosing paths and trails reigned over me
Unraveling seemed imperative

And I still wanted to shudder
To revolt against the pull
I know my curiosities
This time will it finish me off?

Why do I forget who they really are?

Or what box they put me in?

That’s your role
Stay in your lane

And I forgot they only like certain questions

And they will always say
“what do you want from me?”

That’s the coup de grâce if I ever saw one

You **** me off so much
I don’t like that you control me
I don’t think you even realize
What it is that you controlled

And why?
Why is it all based on you?

You are selfish.
You are confusing.
You don’t even know what you want.

And *******
*******
*******
*******

I have to wait

I don’t like it

I should have said no

I should say no

Why am I doing all this ******* crap?

I want to escape from you

Because you **** my heart

Every time.

Living this limbo
I want you
So badly
I want you to need me
I need you to need me
I miss you
Without even touching you
I don’t get it
You worm your way in
Every time
I hate it
I love it
And I fall
Into your words
Your song
The whispers you give
Then That look
That ******* look
Like you know my secret
How to maneuver my hallway
Down to my dungeon
I want to give up
Give in
Run away
Please
Don’t Take
my heart

understanding alludes Me
who Holds the moxie
or the pattern of Ardor
another unanswered puzzle
as you set aside vulnerability
you will Lead the trails of grandeur
Coaxing for more
yet there is Resistance
need is Encroaching
waiting to plunge

Patterns pleasers and pomp
Got my rockets in a romp
Going down the street
With beautiful feet
Never stopping for a comp

Givers grumblers and glib
Doing nothing for a fib
Trample down
A growing crown
Until faith becomes your bib

Tokens takers and taunts
Throwing insults for a jaunt
Always around
But not a sound
When the results return to daunt

Buyers builders and bums
Sometimes are best chums
Though when in doubt
They throw ‘em out
So all become too numb

Flexers fixers and friends
Give advice to make amends
But they can forget
And sometimes jet
Until the time of some pretends

My eyes are tired
Of seeing
what I don’t want to see

And these ears
Don’t want to hear
those same words of waver

It reaches my nose
That smell
of something not quite right

For my lips
Are dry
from never tasting nectar

But these hands
Stay warm
as the heart in which they belong

I don’t believe it’s really true
But I keep searching for it
In caves
On the stage
Behind the door
Through an open window
Perhaps I’ll find it in a closet
Or my shower
I thought I glimpsed it in the north
I keep thinking it really is in the east
Nothing connects
No pattern or concentration
And this is why
I don’t really believe it’s true

Why do I fall for the mystery?
Am I some snake charmer?
Or do I get bitten 1000 times?

Suddenly
i feel small
Like The World Grew
i don’t know
The Difference
Between Right
                 and wrong
i only know acceptance
And Rejection
Scared of Emotion
wanting so much
Hearing
Not You
Not Yet
Not This
Not Now
                  NOT

I’ll think
Why this or that
But then I realize
“Oh, I have a ******* life”
I will keep my quo of stats

Parts of me that were released
I wish I could put back
They are vulnerable

raw
*****

A ****** mess of emotion
It hurts too much
I was fine before

surviving
existing

But this is Torture
I want off this ride
It only was a glimpse of the good

flashed
disappearing

Like a falling star across the sky
It lit up my eyes
For some precious moment

gone
again

I’m trying to shove the fragile back in
But it won’t fit
It grew to much being out

edges
frayed

I’m tired of healing
The scars itch and hurt
Just let me rest