exploring without shame
giving to each other
judgement is gone
no apathetic stoicism
let’s see the beauty
in this sanctuary
here is my peace
the nag of You’re A Failure
it disappears
do you care about my soul
do you see
the sadness and strength
in my eyes
in me
do you want to know more
the Dark
the light
the SilLy
not afraid of your feelings
your passion
it seeps through your eyes
and I want to
Capture it
Hold it
Savor it
embrace the dichotomy
of passion and control
erupting with life
fulfilling
joyful life

I’ve experienced the wetlands
and the desert today
Had that oasis
in the dry doldrums
I was a thirsty *****
then given your ladle to drink
Searched for the shade
in shallow sands
I found a harlot’s haven
amid those haughty hymns
It was a day of extremes
before I rested in a dream

To err
Or blunder
In ways
Of thunder

To *****
Or fake
It blows
The snake

So bogus
To bust
Or focus
In lust

Don’t jump the gun
Pitter putt dying
Lawn mower pull
Choke it out
Rev the engine
Give me the fuel
I’ll make you roar

Am I An idiot?
yeah I felt more
thought more
maybe you’d go for more


for keeping you
or trying to keep you
then continue to push you

away

and yet …

you keep coming back

I’m curious
If ....
One of these days
You
Will suddenly do that thing
The thing I want
The movement
I need
Or ....
Maybe you will give
A friendly word
Clue
Hint
Discovery
A tangible mutualization
To me
And ....
Then
I might
Be able to breath
Again
Or .... stop
Thinking so much
If ....

For faces and waists
Abs and butts
And whatever else you want
enhanced or cut

Skew it and filter it
and cook it for a while
Any way you want,
you will be in style!!

With a background or not
Bring on four more
Packed muscles for you
So you won’t be a bore?

It’s a new dawn
And even if it’s not,
You can make it so
With push of a dot.

Good luck to you all
For there are fish in the sea
Don’t know if they’re cats
But probably

Bumbling and fumbling
Under a different disguise
Little more grumbling
Lying about the tries
Similar to yesterday
Having said it all before
It is about the forte
That was actually a bore

I tried
I tried with you
I was a mess but I tried
I gave you a piece of me and
I tried to give you more
I tried to make it work
I tried for you
I tried for us
I tried

I can easily disappear again
Into the shadows and dark
Run away to the comfort
Of my closet within

I could hide in the sight
Plain as as the pixels
To many or none
That cover your day

I would get a new name
Perhaps a new number
A figment that changes
Yet stays the same

I will not be the normative
Something used and shorn
When dancers of envy come
I walk to another room

I could disappear tonight
And maybe I should
Would you ....

Stimulate
The mind
Body
Soul
Reach in
Throughout
Caress
Tickle a thought
Lick and nudge
Find the thread
Twist and tweak
Enchant
Whispered
Temptations
Reel in
Penetrate
This body
My mind
and Soul

I  am afraid of losing you
Because time passes
A few days, then weeks
of nothing
Then that one time
Of months…

And when that Fear
seeps in
Grassy plains cover my eyes
As I think/know
You are on the other side
Of the valley
Or deep in the Everglades

Would or Could there be
A reunion
Maybe some kind of
First Communion
A sweet & salty
collaboration
That might sate  
That verdant fever

Until then . . .

Am I out of place?
Knocked askew
Into
An alternate lane
One I didn’t want
Did I need?
All that matters
Is this charging cloud
Lightning bolt
Scoured
Into
A figment attachment
To be opened
At a later Date

I’ll take your gleanings
Anything that you show
Laughter is my medicine
So I’ll catch what you throw

I sought for understanding
In words that you spoke
There was usage in denial
And whimsy in your joke

I knock on your door
While standing by your side
Searching for answers
Within your moodish tide

When you reach out
I shift my perspective
Putting thoughts in the grave
To appear I’m receptive

I keep some of me hidden
Because I’m frightened of you
You can render those gleanings
Then leave without a clue

Will you awaken me again
Or cast me to pasture
As you seek greener fields
For another to capture

But take your gleanings
Anything that you give
Put it in my heart
So that I might live

You slid into me
Telling me to
Hold still
Hold
Stay
Move
I clench
You bite
Hide me
Precipice
Hold
Me
Still…

Release it all

I can’t think about the **** ton of yesterdays
Or the half baked tomorrows
If I dwell on the yesteryears
Then I miss the meanwhiles
Contentment to current events
Leads to a joyous jaunt
Finding the lining is what it’s about
The it of the life journey
You know, the one we are all on

You don’t know
The lengths of strength
Of fortitude
Endurance
To maintain and gain
Every day of life
As I drive along my path
Steel nerves when I swerve
This bump and that hole
See what you think
But I know
My power and resilience
Where it comes
How it stays
Continuance
Should guessing remain
As frailty rules your skull
To this point
No longer care
As it’s already known
What remains
And who is the mightier

My feet tread endlessly
Searching for the truthful path
Needing somewhere to obtain peace
Finding a direction

These shoes are confining
There is no comfort until removal
But my footprints seem obvious
And I think I’m lost

I yearn for help
Others that might boost my endurance
There must be a path that matches mine
Prints that would hide my own

Turning, twisting my toes along
Some agile and then slow swaggering
Take me to directionless ends
Could my turn be now?

My soles are weary
I trek along
Wanting quiet oblivion
My heels will rest soon

These steps only know the next one
Only one moment to the next
Never a direct line
Never a distinct direction

Yet I feel strength in my stride again
Taking a step, a turn, a twist of my own
Tomorrow is today
The journey always beginning

Because I moved

It only happens
When not expected
But it’s a glitch
You know
In the matrix
Of this
****** up Life
Right now
It’s time
To lay down
And believe myself
When I say
...

I gave up tonight
But you didn’t know
I left the room
Yet I was still there
I said I was great
Though inside I was ‘fine’
I dreamt of a new day
As you droned with complaint
I thought of other places
When you sat next to me
I faked a smile
While I comforted you
I forced a hello
And wanted a goodbye

It had dissipated.
To tiny dots.
Until...

one day
it was about persuasion
that thing that ponders
or entices your mind

Come Hither
My Sweet
Saccharine
Succubus

looking toward the call
of fluffernutter folly
it was inevitable

Truly The Thoughts
‘Twere Thwarted
‘Til

... the lowly lurker
lay waste
onto the ether
of Madness

Where does this desire belong?
Carnality of Casual
Visual or Charitable
Is there a long-term Resilience
or just an entertainment
Awaiting Constancy
Itching to disturb
The gentle balance
Yet the temptation is Resisted
Holding back while
Craving the Reveal
hesitations on each side
solitude continues
distance remains
placation or Trust
All that is Required
is More, HA!

If I can
I will push you off
To see how well
You are balanced
I want to know
If you are already
Leaning over the edge
Will it take a shove
Or just a little pinprick
I might even help you
Walk to the side
Hold your hand
While you take a gander
Tell you that is ok
To peer over the side
Because that’s the easiest
Way to let go

wish you would
leave me alone
and I would hate that
want you in my life
but out of it
and away
need your touch
despise it
making me feel like the sexiest
as my ego suffers

I would be all in
and more
I would bring the agony
and ecstasy
You would bring
the joyous devastation

I cried your tears
Filled you with laughter
You gave me

A Yearning

You are the carrot
The oasis
The shelter

Cover me. Feed me. Sate me.

And now….
I know.
And you told me enough.
What I needed to hear from you.
******.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
But hey,
you know,
at least I’m a person.

Regret that
Now I’m stuck
Removal of points
The parts didn’t equal
It came apart in moments
Stimulation dropped
Like the temp
It meant
nothing

I was waiting and watching
Spying on your mood
You wandered directionless
I saw your script as boring
Was it hope that kept you around
Or just a whim in the sheets
Perhaps a novelty of notion
That snuck upon the mind
Aimless shots were used
With pointless games to all
I knew about it sooner
Than the later was my mistake
I’m sure it’s why you scurried
To other shores or floors
I saw through your muck
And the bovine night soil
That you fed to the masses
For insecurity you hide
Or the adopted bravado
Are obvious deflections
For the damaged soul inside

Putting effort in
Law of Returns
Diminishing
Deserving
Caring enough
Falling flat
All the…Yous
All ******* over
It. Me. Us.
But exhaustion reigns
And refills remain
Closed
Break me
From your neglect
Your words
Your mind
Your body
And…Always ok
I Am
Okay

OKOKOKOK

but i want to ….

There are times when I read something, and the tears surface to my eyes.

Not because it’s sad.

They rise to meet the emotion that begins brewing.

I see the letters on the page or screen and can feel the person’s emotion.

It sparks my hunger.

The words stir a reaction that has been buried so deeply that I forgot it existed.

It’s shocking to my system.

To my mind and to my soul.

The words I read can be simple or complex.

The phrases that are strung together somehow reached into this blackened abyss in which I had hidden feelings.

It’s overwhelming and frightening.

It squeezes out a bleeding ache.

I’m left with such a yearning.

All from some simple words.

Anger
At me
The world
Yourself
Is it fear
For those thoughts
Swirly mess
Hurting
Like bitter darkness
Uncomfortable
Take on more
What sadness
Pain
Of loneliness
Rejection
I know
Also understand
You
Need to be
Wanted
For who you really are

Everyday feels like Friday,
Except Friday.
Friday feels like Monday.
I think about a Saturday.
Saturday is a Friday evening.
Sunday feels like a Friday after the party.
Monday thru Thursday blends,
Into one long *** Friday.
But I’m home.
None of this makes sense.
The days blend.
Oh they blend some more.
I keep waiting for the weekend I guess.
When the longest week of my life
Is over.
TGIF

I waited for sign or signal
Telling me you noticed
Would it capture the attention
Of a sought out phantom

Was tormenting myself
With a patient attitude
I fought the stubborn meal
Finding dissatisfaction

I’m sure you turned around
As I saw those telling tracks
But you were as impatient as I
So we both missed the feast

**** it all
I really hate this song
Makes me all teary

The most cheesiest song

And I love it
Gives me hope

I hear it...

and your ******* face
pops into my head

Yeah, that was a first

******

stealing my Hope
smashing goodness
turning stomachs

I yearn for pleasure
Yet Only taste Bitterness
just that Sour aftertaste

there is a Funk
left to Spoil
and Rot

then my Fortress is drawn
around an aching Heart
with many walls

walls that turn
to Mazes, Cages and Safes
Storehouses of unwanted feelings

I am tormented
within my Fortress
it frightens me

will the walls be broken down?
they must
but...it won’t happen?

My Heart
is not hardened
because of these walls

it’s Only shattered
to where
there is no substance

My Spirit is depleted
and frustration is my quencher
Ha! What does it matter?

I remain
And I linger
And I still
Hope

Like the tide
flow and Cycle
full and Inviting
yet shrinking to Escape
Leaving the flotsam
wondering If ...
will It Entice?
beckon a traveler
to outstretch a Hand
Lingering trails
onto the sands
Hearing a Lullaby
In the smashing surf
It seeks Attention
through It’s Harmony
Asking for the tie
a thread of Conjoining
the tide to the moon
to the shore
and the Land
Returning
the Ebb and flow

Chasing games
Caught or Found
if nothing once
try twice again
begging
Whining
Crying or sighing
jumping hoops
another loop
around the block
Wait
hurry up
and Wait
For numbing Crumbs
satiated For seconds
ignoring For days
ticking Clock
time bomb
Worth it
or not
decisions
incisions
Cut losses
and out
assumptions made
have you paid
your lesson learned

This pain
Is good
Helps you remember
That you are alive
Driving out the numb
Or those times
You feel you deserve
That pain
It is the only emotion
That is possible

In physicality
Simple sensation
Powerful
Make me feel
Overwhelm me
Until I am numb
Zoned into exhaustion
Turn off my mind
No complications
Unmake me
Whole again

You inspire me
with the brush of your fingertips
Across the expanse
of that systematic galaxy
It’s a dancing melody
that twinkles a song
to the crescent moons of frequency

You speak to me
As a stranger now
Someone who you don’t know
A person you just met

And I see you differently
A foreign being
You ricochet off my circle
There is zero feeling
when I see your face
But your voice
It still makes me cringe
Hearing it puts me on alert

Recalling—
Condescension that you used
Words like blades in my back
Slicing into my soul

Remembering—
But your capacity to *******
is no longer there

Ironic laughter fills my mind
As I watch you drift by
Like another stranger
Wandering on the street

over time
those feelings

You know the ones

warm, tingly, sentiments
those tiny titillations
of torture
they can grow

You know how

deeper and stronger
like a thunderbolt
right into your soul
singing a sigh of

‘Oh **** this is happening’

at the same time
converse is true

Feelings Fade.

Do you?
Is it inevitable?
Question the question-maker
Ideas are flittering
or did you fumble that reach

Not.Even.About.You.
(i mean me)
‘Twas
one of these nights
Maybe that dream
Moved into the day

wait until the waiting stops
find your meaning
of words or curds
possible action/reaction
see the *******
then listen to your guts
not about this One
or even that
ask for the answer
is silence golden
just another excuse
perhaps all the meaning
is in between the noise

It won’t ever be the same.
You have this planned all out,
in your mind.
But it won’t happen that way.
Because, I already decided.

You had some perfect timescale.
To fit your purposes…
**** that!
Do you know me at all?

Your pattern,
became an egocentric journey.
I don’t want to watch it anymore.

Judgement
Curiosity
Filling plans
Making demands
Trying for more
Trolling around
Open up
Vulnerable
Hoping
Is this dreaming
Moving on
Come around
Touching fire
Reaching desire
Words devastate
Investigate
Build up
Then ignore
Second chance
First impression
Mistaken love
Crushing connection
Which way to run
Today is done

When you already see
And know how it goes
**** a duck
And there she blows

Up and down
And all around
Look at them
Don’t make a sound

Another day
Same old ****
I shake my head
Again in the pit

Get the **** out
I say to myself
But I tripped inside
Go help yourself

*******
Is all I want to say
Here’s your two cents
And have a good day!

I rearranged my mind yesterday
I moved people out
I changed a few locks
I put one in a room
And another in a closet
I opened up some space
To grow some flowers and trees
I asked for help
Hired new staff
My kitchen was a mess
I need a new chef
And though I was sad
Emotional and in pain
There was a sense of peace
That some right moves were made
The skies began to clear
I heard laughter in my halls
And though the bandit tried to sneak back in
He is but a flimsy flicker
Easily blown out
As I start another day