Part I:

You broke me once,
and then twice,
and then three times,
But then I lost count.

I can remember sweet kisses you gave to me,
On swollen lips.
Tears that rolled down my purple cheek.
And the prayers I sent to God,
That went unanswered.

I remember the words "no" and "stop".
Feelings of no control.
I can still feel your warm breath,
Hovering over my exposed, naked body.

I can still remember that moment.
When I could feel everything.
Everywhere.
And it hurt.

Unbearable, excruciating pain.
It built walls to keep you out.
But you're still here.
In my head.
In my home.
In my bed.

Sometimes, I see your shadow,
Watching me get undressed.
Intruding my dreams as I sleep,
Torturing me endlessly.

Sometimes, I wake to your voice,
Telling me to love you,
And that you love me,
And you would never hurt me,
We are the perfect soulmates.
But, I still feel my spine cold on the floor,
Colored in black and blue,
And it loves you too.

I feel your sweaty body,
Draining all the life inside of me.
I used to dance and sing.
I used to laugh uncontrollably,
I used to be free.

My body is shattered,
Broken and battered.
Useless and unlovable.
Disgusting trash.

Part II:

Where is my body?
Where is my mind?

What am I missing?
What am I feeling?

Am I alive?

Why did you hurt me?
Gaslight and manipulate me?

I was a child.
You made me bleed.
I was inebriated.
You took advantage of me.
Buried me and everything I wanted to be.

Stop standing there.
Stop following me.
How ******* dare you?
Just leave me be.

I don't deserve this.
You shouldn't be here.
I need to leave.
Please don't follow me.

Part III:

I was bound to you by my silence
Even miles apart,
You silenced me once again,
When I needed to sing my truth.

So much excruciating pain.
I had to crawl out of that grave.
You screamed profanities in my brain.
And I still paved my way.

I sang my truth.
You ***** me.
You abused me.
And so did he.
And now I'm setting myself free.

It's 11:05pm
I'm just leaving your new home
Driving 57 miles back to mine
And the dark blue sky
Reminds me of that chilling water
And the bright clouds reflecting the city lights
Reminds of those waves
I was running towards them as fast as I could
To feel like the wind was taking me with it
To break the heavy chains of our pain
We had lost touch with being alive
We were zombies holding eachother's rotting minds
But in this moment,
You were taking pictures of me
Emotions filling my face with color again
And I was free, euphoric
Escaping my mind to feel the ocean
Did you feel that too?

Do you remember what it was like
To feel love
Be loved
To know our love?
Even if it only lasted for a short time
I would do anything to feel that again
It's unlike any I've felt before
And still have yet to find again
I thought I found it once
But then manipulation carved my heart out
And I remembered you:
How good you were
How sweet
How humble
How delicate you were with me

You were so vulnerable
So new to the world
And when we got together
You didn't get somebody
Who had a fresh start like you
I had been broken
Again and again
There was so much scar tissue
That I didn't believe I could be wounded
But I was wrong
And when I started to bleed
You watched it drain out of me
Become infected
And you couldn't stop any of it
But I knew you still loved me.

How did it get so bad?
My emotions were screaming
How long did this go on?
I couldn't see what was happening to you
Until you reached that breaking point
With me in my bedroom
When did it start?
Was it gradual?
Did it sneak up quietly?
So you couldn't see it coming?
You couldn't love anything anymore
You became numb for months
You were losing pieces of yourself
As I was building my puzzle again
You fell further away from reality
As I sought connection and found it
You lost touch with yourself
What you wanted
What you needed in life
I think that destroyed you
And your innocence
And your ability to love
How did I not see the magnitude of your pain?

When I texted you
You said you were good
But when I saw you
You couldn't lie to my face
I wondered
Who had checked in with you last
To see how you were doing
Now, the scar tissue has formed once more
After all the hard work I did
I had hoped so much
That you were doing okay too
When I told you how well I was doing
You started crying
I wasn't sure if that was because
You were happy for me
Or you realized how broken you still were

Hug me again like you did in the shed
I haven't felt that since I saw you last
And I know if you said that
It wouldn't mean the same thing
Because I'm the only one
You've ever really touched
And to think you spent your entire childhood
Never being touched
I used to get so frustrated
Because you wanted my touch all the time
But it never was enough or what you wanted
And later I realized
How could you have enjoyed it?
You were numb entirely

Driving back home is torture
It feels like Olympia all over again
All I want is to be in your arms
Snuggle me tightly in bed
Be my home again
This long dark road
Is lightened by stars
And I still remember
My fingers tracing your warm skin
The constellation of freckles on your arm
The intensity of your hugs
I never wanted you to let go
So I let go instead
8 months ago
And how I wish you were still my home

I wish I was a box of chocolates
That could open up to you
You see
It was a long process
To make these chocolates
But they are oh, so sweet
Unlike anything you've tasted before
Eat me
Please
I want you to enjoy them

If I could give you
Just one of my sweet chocolates
I know I wouldn't be able to stop
I would give you my recipe
Craft your chocolates for you
Forget I had a box of my own
And deplete it entirely

Years ago,
Your chocolates
Fell right into my mouth
I swallowed them whole
And I didn't enjoy them at all
Because I was starving
I hadn't eaten in months
But now I've starved you completely

My trauma left you with nothing
I would do anything to change that
I can't help but want to
Because I'm better now
I've replenished myself
I want to return the favor
Break me
Bruise me
Eat all of my chocolates whole
It only seems fair
That I let you consume me
In the way that I consumed you

But now I have to accept
With all the hard work I've done
The work I never thought I could do
That I only have enough chocolates for myself
And you have to find your own recipe