I love to go walking, at least once a day
And see what I stumble across on my way
I can cover hills and valleys, forests and fields
To unearth what treasure the next stroll yields

Yesterday my amble took me a brand new way
Through an old wood with a black stream I did stray
I came across a boy with a face grimaced in concentration
A child in this ****** place, aroused my determination.

I said ‘Hey boy why are you so far from home?’
‘Please good sir you must leave me alone’
Then I noticed how tightly he clenched his fist
And knew he must have a treasure to add to my list.

I picked up the boy and grabbed his wrist
I shook it vigorously to open that fist,
Then I attacked his fingers and commenced to pry
From the boy not a whimper, a whisper or sigh.

‘Child I demand you open and reveal what’s in your hand’
‘There’s nothing sir not even a grain of sand’
The sheer cheek of the runt was simply astounding
I would open that paw if it meant giving him a pounding.

That’s just what I did, the boy got a seeing to
I slapped him and kicked him threatened to boil him in stew,
Swung him over my head and dashed him to the floor
No matter what manner of violence the scamp took more.

Exhausted and demoralised I screamed at the brat
‘Show me what you have and let that be that’
‘Please, it’s noting sir as I’ve said before
You can kick me and hit me and throw me to the floor’

Then I remembered, in my belt a small knife
I decided to cut off that mitt and end this strife,
Off at the wrist, open the fingers to look in the hand
The boy wasn’t lying, not even a grain of sand.

After all that effort and a day with no pleasure
I refused to feel down at the lack of treasure,
Next time you’re near to my house you must call
And I’ll show you the hand nailed firmly to the wall.

Come in, come in, do not be afraid my friend
Walk up my steps and through my door
Everyone is gathered and waiting to commend
Your courage for treading upon this floor.

Of course I am so much older than the glass and wood
That you see now as you make your way inside.
To understand this fact I wish you only could
That I have lived here since long before Christ died.

Please don’t be afraid of that light brush against your leg
It’s only the cat, she heard you enter and now she nears
Do not reach to pet her, this I really must beg
You will come off worse, she hasn’t eaten in 500 years

This shell that is my current form was raised when Victoria reigned
In my life I have been a castle, a poor house, a stables and a fort
Stories of my evil, flow down the years never being explained
But ignore all that, it is the over eager indulging in their sport.

I have not done such bad, perhaps an occasional suicide.
My most recent look and see the very rafters where she hung from
She is most impatient about meeting you ever since the day she died
Shush now can you hear that sound, why it is the dinner drum.

They are over excited, that’ll be the children who live my walls
Cemented in by the parents convinced they were possessed.
The screams that day, you may hear them yet echo down the halls
An awful way to perish, you must consider yourself truly blessed

Six children I have listened to them scream ever since that faithful day
When brick by brick they disappeared so that their parents may flee
The couple met with the black death, that was the price I made them pay
And I got six fine young companions in this house for all eternity.

We do have time before we sit so let’s take a walk upstairs
Three times spouses have sent their lovers tumbling down the other way
Have you ever heard a neck snap as the spinal column tears?
And when the murderer finds what they’ve done they knell to pray and pray

I have them all those three great falls
Downstairs they sit over dinner moonlit
Waiting our guest and each in contest
To hope to spend tonight with our new friend.


Enough of that, I must complete the tour of my ancient abode
From the master bedroom I have really just the view you need.
See that tree? There men caught many a debt they were owed.
Stoning, their enemies tied to it and forced their lives to concede.

Such a messy business and when you meet them I ask you not to stare
The dents and scars of crushed and shattered skulls have followed
Each of these poor agonised fools from life so fair
To this side, to spend their time with heads misshaped and hollowed.

And again the drum *** *** that tells us we are expected
‘tis so rare we get a visitor to join us as we dine
It took a while to gather this meal but now it is perfected
We’ll feast on souls and blood shall serve as a wine.

Ignore that sound, don’t look back for I know you will regret
The hideous creature that follows us will turn your form to stone
That hot damp feeling on your neck it is the beast’s own breath
Stay at my side, by my step it will devour you should you walk alone.

Notice please if you will that the house is changing in exhilaration
Why only just this moment we were walking down steps of wood.
And the house plays its part in giving us this beautiful creation
Can’t you see, it’s now torn out human limbs on which you're stood.

Mind your stomach, keep it down, we have a feast ahead
We would all be saddened if at this time your constitution failed
They have waited so long for no one ever comes to visit us, the dead
They’ll want to hear of your old life so full and deeply detailed.

Old life? Why yes indeed, that is the arrangement that you made
With your friends when you accepted the wager to stay in the haunted house
The deal is done, the book is closed, the ultimate price has been paid
My friend, you look so shocked and you’ve gone as quiet as mouse.

Every time I claim a soul my friend the devil plays upon his fiddle
Come now dry your tears don’t let them know that you cried.
You are our guest of honour take that seat the one that’s in the middle
The girl beside you, she hung herself and in death she’ll be your bride.

Sit my friend don’t pretend
That tonight you can take flight
From this place and your life retrace
You are now here so accept the fear

Finally we are all altogether, at our feast from now until forever.

I drive fast that’s what I do, faster and faster
I think brakes are a disaster
Driving like a lunatic all of the time
A million miles an hour shouldn’t be a crime
As I flash past you’ll see just a blur
My need for speed has no cure

Any type of road it doesn’t matter
Everything I hit is going to splatter
Motorways or B-roads or alleys that bend
Lanes or cul-de-sacs don’t care if it’s a dead end
I am the road king get out of my way
You're a goner if into my path you do stray

I rarely have a dent, a dint or a crash
Though in my wake I oft hear a smash
But one day an obstacle didn’t get out of the way
A big rock face, where it was, decided to stay
I thought of the carnage I have left in my wake
As my car, a mangled mess, the rocks did make

Never bothered with seatbelts, what a mistake
As my head hit the rocks it was mushed like a cake
Going through the windshield my jaw snagged the dashboard
That’s where I left it, as the rest of me went forward,
With no way of talking I couldn’t even curse
Whatever the car, I would come off worse
Out popped my eyes and rolled down the road
Oops went my bowels as they did explode
All of my organs rolling around in a drum
My liver and kidneys shot out my ***
PHUNK went my lungs as they gave up the ghost
My man bits were crushed, I’d miss those the most

Bits of me hanging from rocks and from trees
Dangling from a branch were both of my knees
One of my feet was still in the car
The other one had landed somewhere quite far
All of my guts were splashed in the road
I looked like a large and very squashed toad

First came some birds to peck at my eyes
Then a raccoon started nibbling away at my thighs
Word soon spread of this mighty feast
Bits of my body would feed every beast
Soon all that was left was gnawed bones and hair
I wish I had known that great rock was there.

The land where I sleep, is the land where I weep
The sounds in my dreams are blood-chilling screams
When I take a snooze, all the goblins and ghouls
Seek out and find my tired haunted mind.

They drive me insane, assaulting my brain
Night after night I'm scared outta my *****
I can never unwind they have twisted with my mind
I try to stay awake for sanity’s sake.

For those wild-eyed horrors are the most evil explorers
Sent from the devil and told to dishevel
Any semblance of normality with the upmost brutality
And leave me in a heap, so afraid of sleep.

I know who to blame, I can tell you his name
And creature quite charming making deals so harming
I sold my soul to Beelzebub, a drunken bet in a pub
I didn’t ask for a lot, just a shiny new yacht.

Well I got my bright vessel but for my soul I must wrestle
When I catch forty winks, The Dark Lord he thinks:
Let’s go play in his head, make him wish he was dead,
And the gamble regret, praying instead for death

Like a poor mouse that, is caught by the cat
I know that I'm trapped but my mind has not snapped
I hear hell is a scorcher so after all of the torture
It’ll be straight down below for eternity I’ll go.

Nightmares I can dismiss, as well as eternity in the abyss
Because He’s done worse already; my boat is moored in a jetty
If you should happen to see it, you will exclaim ‘*******
Oh Satan you’re an awful fellow, that yacht is a most horrible yellow’.