i dream of bashing your head into a wall
into every wall, actually
of every room

i bang my head
into my headboard instead
i wish i could unzip this body
and crawl out
i wish i could peel off this body
and crawl out

if feelings were stones
i'd be full of rocks
i'd weigh so much
i'd fall through the floor
my heart just a boulder in my chest
all i do
is sink down

i dream of your skull shattered apart
like a marble statue
in pieces
you used to be so pretty
i could look past the monstrosity inside

if feelings hardened up like marbles
and rolled through you like blood
i'd become a surgeon
i'd take a knife and open myself up
dig them out
like tumors
i'd dig out all the love
i still feel for you
the brick of missing you
cut it out
every memory of you like grains of sand
sprinkled through my mind
dig them out
as blood and gory as it'd get
i wouldn't stop
till every bit of you was gone
till nothing was left
i'd rather be hollow
and empty
than filled with this

filled with you

you're like cancer
all you do is **** me

cut you out

pray to a god i don't believe in
to help me forget
erase every scar
leave no reminder
i hope you
disappear

till then i dream of you
broken in pieces
ripped limb from limb
chest cracked open down the middle
how does it feel, baby
to hurt like i do

Finding a lover is effortless
for some people.
They only want a few things:
Someone attractive, kind,
funny or rich.

But
I desire
something so much deeper.

I want

an intelligent mind
that wakes up thoughts in me
I didn't realize were hibernating.

I want

to converse, analyze and debate
without being conscious of
the sun rising and falling
between our words.

I want

to make a witty remark
at a coffee shop
so he can reply sarcastically
just for me to jab back immediately
and for him to comeback back playfully
until we're both laughing
stomachs shaking
spit flying
the whole store staring
and we leave
without coffee

I want

our hands to stitch together
perfectly
like two lost puzzle pieces;
one found under a couch cushion
one found inside a junk drawer.
The rest of the puzzle has
already been thrown away
but
these two pieces remain
and they fit.

I want

to fall in love together
then together fall in love with
art, museums, songs, poems
T.V shows, radio jingles,
greek food, backroads,
our mutual hatred for pop culture,
doing the dishes (as long as he washes and I dry)
wrong turns, piled up laundry, life.
Just fall in love with life.

I want

to hurt with him

I want

to save the world with him

I want

to meet, see, understand
and experience all that is foreign
with him.

I think it will only take us meeting
and it'll only be history and happiness from then on.

It's just a matter of if a love like that could ever be
and if a love like that could ever be for me.

"Tagio hola"(thank you)
for reading and commenting
for writing inspiring, sometimes weird
and head cracking poems.

I will be leaving this safe haven where
our thoughts are free to roam. I do not
know when I will be back.

keep doing what you all are doing
let it out there is always someone who
can relate. be safe and always be kind
the world is cruel as it is.

AS in my native language, "leana hola"
(Goodbye)

he loaded all the cups
into the dishwasher
very neatly
the right way up
as I opened it
and saw them all filled
with tepid grey water
I knew it would be
difficult to tell him
why it was wrong
without it making him feel
squashed
I would
praise his initiative for wanting to do it and
praise the neatness with which he did it
but still I knew it would sound
chastising
and his desire to please
and be accepted in the world
would shrink a little afterwards
so I tipped the grey tepid water into the sink
and reloaded the dishwasher again
with the cups upside down
he could unload it later
sometimes it's better to think
you're going a little mad
if it means you get to keep
what's good inside
a little longer

I know we are all stuck up,
In demons we don't understand,
In feelings we didn't create,
In dominions we didn't invite,
In crews, where we are rugs,
In friendships suffice for harm,
In families we didn't choose,
In rivers sweeping us away, and;
In places that are unmentioned,
But,
Someday,
Someday, we will make it,
We will make it out of here.