My heart is on fire
Beating loud against my chest
Tumbling and screaming
Its suffering at best

I do not want to feel this way
To hide unconscious in my bed
To beg the Lord so many times
To drag me out of my head

My body is collapsing
My brain wont stop shouting
"I hate myself, you cant do anything"
This depression is undoubting

Another day, another minute, another second
I must hold on
But im choking on the smoke
Of the heart of mine thats gone

An arena of emotions dancing for an empty crowd

I find myself thinking,
What was happening 7 years ago?
At this exact moment?
Was it the bombshell that my mother dropped on me?
That my dad tried to **** himself?
Was it watching my mother wail at the sky as we got ready to go to the hospital?
Was it me, praying the same prayer over and over again during the car ride up?
Was it me trying to calm myself down in the bathroom before i went any further?
Was it sitting in a secluded waiting room, anxiety-ridden, thinking "why wont they take me to him?"
Was it the nurse and the doctor that told me they tried everything they could but "he died"?
Was it my own cry that happened automatically because i was still in shock?
Or was it sitting at the bedside looking at you and not knowing what to say?
Was it me saying "im sorry" or "i love you"?
Was it my trepid feet not wanting to leave your room because i knew it would be the last time i saw you?

What moment was it 7 years ago?

I guess... my memory is failing me.

I made them laugh
I made them smile
I found my purpose
For a while

But they kept laughing
When I said nothing to chuckle
Then they stared and they pointed
As my knees began to buckle

"But I was useful"
That's what I thought
But a delusional clown
Fits in with naught.

Love
It is an emotion with all the power
I find myself saying,
I cannot live a fulfilling life
Without you.
I am happy.
Because I know,
This is what I've been waiting for
Love