I dance until I’m numb.
I sing until I’m free.
Music is my escape;
My way to be me.

What is it that makes them believe they know how I feel. No one has dealt with the things that I have dealt with. They laugh and they mock. They say my pain should be over by now. They claim my desires for death are a sign of weakness and greed. It is them that are greedy. They tell me they don't want me to go because they love me. Well,if they loved me they would let me go. I can't leave my house because of my sickness, yet they go out and enjoy life. I beg them to come by for a moment, but they are too busy. If your love isn't strong enough to come by when I have gun to my head, then how can you tell me I have reasons to live. I started cutting a short time ago. Now, I'm not happy unless the blood is flowing. My arm looks like I ran through a barb wire fence, yet you say I should be proud of my life. You tell me that God is the answer to my prayers. I truly believe in God. But this is my battle and my demons. You tell me he will never put more on me than I can handle. Well, he did. My pain came from trying to love others and make them happy. Now, I can't even die because I need to make others happy. When do I get to do what Marty wants, what makes Marty happy? The only way I live day to day is by emducing pain to live with the emotional pain. I started cutting so I had pain. My counselor said to try rubber bands and ice cubes. She was right they cause a lot of pain. But, it isn't enough so now I have rubber bands, ice, I cut, I punch myself in the head. But her memories won't leave. Tell me how to live. Life isn't about the longevity it's about quality. And, this isn't life

My name is Erin
and i was *****
at the age of 7

it has taken me
14 years of my life
for those 13 words to escape
my hollow mouth

the only questions i come to now
is why
why lock me in that room
why take everything from me
my innocence
my purity
my childhood

in that room
where my family trusted you
where i trusted you
the night terrors i have to this day
still haunt my mind

like a never ending
drive in movie that plays
over
and
over
only the moon in the night sky
isnt made to be found here
there is no light in these terrors

i cant sleep this time of year
because every time i do
its you
in that room
locking the door
shutting the windows
******* me
yelling at me
every single night
i close my eyes

it has taken me 14 years
to accept the fact that i was taken by you
i have been numb ever since
left in the dust
rotting away at the core
thinking i was nothing
thinking i deserved nothing
because you took everything

but not anymore
i will recover from this
i am strong enough
i believe in myself
i believe in my own happiness
and i promsie
that when i have children one day
i will never ever let them rot at the core
i will find happiness
the darkness will not take over this time

is there a place
is there a mindset

where i can sleep for ten thousand years
where i can run from all these demons

when i can close my eyes
when i can forget how good it is to hurt

is there a place
is there a mindset

where i can smile without pain behind my eyes
where i can stop picking at my nails to keep me from screaming

when i can breathe
when i can clear my mind and the tears from my eyes

is there a place
is there a mindset

where i see the good in people
where darkness doesn't leak into every crack in the light

when i can stand up straight and proud
when i don't have to hide every flaw

is there a place
is there a mindset

where i can be free

         .  .  .  .  
        
it's called home