i crave touch and affection
as any human does
but i am reserved, an observer, an introvert
i am content to spend an entire day cuddled up
with someone who feels the same way i do
on a rainy day like today
there is nothing more i want
than to feel
to feel alive
to feel loved
to feel connected
to not feel alone

My foot has landed
on an unknown pebble
of information;
it rolls underfoot and
I tilt back with
a blinding blast
of panic.
Up is down
and down is
horizontal as I
tumble down the
s --
    t --
        a --
             i --
                 r --
                      s --
I've been so
p  a  i  n  s  t  a  k  i  n  g  l  y
climbing.
I land in a
knot of shock and grief
a mere
couple of steps from
the very bottom,
the very beginning.
Familiar
hurt, confusion, and anger
twist and turn
around me in
a smothering weave
that settles over
my senses.

I wish I didn't know this unwelcome cloak.

I wish I didn't have to know how to remove it, inch by inch.

I wish I didn't have to move past
midnight talks
and
midday laughs
and
frequent promises
to be
"BFFs".

I wish I didn't have to let you go.

tuned naturally to the musical
a mind created for song

all that constant conversation over nothing
dulls the ear

can you still hear the music
in spite of yourself

does your tongue understand stillness
setting your mind free.

I have always been carried
in spite of myself
I find I am still living.

I have had the devil try to suffocate me
to try to scare me out of my wits
and an evil spirit through fasting and prayer
be expelled from my mind body and soul
so believe me, not all is pleasant and beautiful
when it comes to the spirit world.