it's all in my head... you'll never feel the same way
I can't explain it
it's not love, it's not hate
it's comfort and pain, you give me both and I can't help but ask for more
you're my pain and my remedy
my joy and my misery
you are the ink on my papers, you live in between my lines
you keep me going
and you make me want to drop everything and stop
stop trying, stop being there
stop writing you words that you'll never read
you're a mouthful of fresh air
'you filled my lungs with sweetness and my head with you'
but now you're only suffocating me and I can't think straight anymore

- can't keep you close, can't let you go

you were my escape from the world
who knew I'd desperately want to escape you?

the most lethal form of self-destruction is breaking yourself to fix someone who is incapable of repair

I wish everything would go back to how it used to be, when we only had each other and the rest of the world seemed irrelevant. When I was your everything and you were mine too. When I was your virtue and you were all my fantasies of a better world. When you were writing poems about me and I was writing books about you. When you adored me but I admired you. When I was everything that kept you having faith. When you held my heart... before you ran off and took it with you.

people and objects don't share many similarities but they are both in forms of different varieties and you can't trust everything that's written on a box, you can't trust ****** expressions or compliments or hands given out to you
let me explain it to you in a simpler way; for example,
you have been smoking nicotine for months on end until you eventually became an addict, throughout this period of time, you gave no attention to the fact that it's been exposing you to lung cancer
you avoided all the symptoms, said you'd be fine, couldn't have cared any less
and the day your lungs collapsed
is the day you realized you've been hooked up on something bad for you but you went on with it anyway
this is how it's like with certain people, certain feelings
they are toxic and unless you find a way to quit them, you will forever be a victim of the circumstances
forever suffering the consequences
so here's this, put an end to it
you love them, you tell yourself they're worth the pain and that it's the idea of love that keeps you going
but love isn't about breaking and breaking is the last thing you would want to romanticize
- during the past few years it is said to be that teenagers of the 20th century are more likely to experience heartbreak before their parents did when they were their age; which opens up opportunities like a mature mind and a sense of individuality in addition to emotional intelligence,
       but it also opens up devastation,    
       depression, anxiety disorders leading    
       to unexpected behaviors
so tell me, you love them
but are they worth the trouble?
if you are in search of love to convince yourself that the world isn't as cruel as you think it is, start by looking in between book shelves, in between pastel colors, to make it more clear, start looking for love within yourself
stop bleeding for someone who wouldn't bear a scratch for you
value yourself enough to not allow anyone to walk all over you, to never settle for less than what you deserve, to aim for something far more convenient than the usual temporary affection
love yourself
and the world, with all of its natural forces, will love you

you're not any person
you look like you could be my remedy
someone who has the power to save me
whose love is as wide as the seven seas
someone to give me their books to keep
their hopes and dreams
share with me their fantasies
someone I think of right before I fall asleep,
'find a tune and play it on repeat'
and wake up feeling an urge of need
to be next to you and now look at me
I'm being dragged by my own feet
to a stage between illusions and what's real;
some place where we could meet
after all this time, how can you not see?
you're the one who controls my beats

she's gold
she's both hell and paradise in a human form
she might be sad for numbered days, but once she smiles again...
the horizon stops
every motion stops
every constellation of celestial stars you've ever dreamed of starts appearing in the curve of her smile
she's beautiful
she's the moments of difference in a sunrise
she's the wish you think of when you close your eyes
right before blowing your birthday candles
she's the feeling of a spring breeze touching your cheeks
and making your hair flow back
she's the smell of jasmines and daisies
and when her fingertips touch your skin
flowers bloom in your chest
and your roots attach you to her
she brings out the poet in you
the artist in you; and loving her is the best form of artwork I have ever witnessed
so don't take her for granted
don't you waste her
don't ever break her
and wait... just wait for her
give her the space she needs but let her know you're there
don't you dare let her go
don't you dare abandon her after ******* with her
don't you ever leave her because you'll come to realize
that you need her more than you can ever need anyone or anything else

I gave you pieces of me so you could offer them to someone else. I gave you all the warmth I could give, but you were still cold. My ****** heart would only beat for you and now I doubt that anything could ever make my pulse race like that again. You destroyed me, mentally, and I still stayed. Not because I needed to but because it was all for you and you still failed to see that.

No, but why? Why did I spend all those days tucking myself away, hiding under a pile of my own insecurities, convinced that no other person in the world is like you and that my eyes will only ever search for you. Why? When you didn't and couldn't have felt that way about me, at least not anymore. Why? When you were so valuable to me but God knows what I meant to you. Who are you? And why was I depressed over you when you're not one bit worth it?

you send ships and shivers and sunsets my way
you signal motions and birds and daydreams

It's not mean to be.
In other words; sometimes you can go on loving and caring for someone but from a distance. You can wish them happiness, but that does not mean that you'll be a part of it. Neither your presence nor your absence have the ability to shape the way you feel. It's just not meant to be, but that does not change the fact that at some point, in some period of time, it happened.

how is it that you’re a part of me yet apart from me

I love you, because
when I'm with you, time stands still, my thoughts freeze, my heart feels warm and for a second, I believe that nothing exists, not my sorrow or pain or anything that makes my head hurt and my chest collapse
and I find that sad
I find that depressing
because you're always going to leave me
and love a bunch of people who don't deserve you
and come around when they leave
it's always going to be this way
but what you don't know is
I get the urge to ask you to stay, to tell you I don't need the therapy people offer and that I only need you
I have no idea why I seem to forgive you and take you back as you are after all the hurt you put me through
maybe because I have a soft spot for you
maybe just maybe, you've been messing me up a while back but I choose to keep you near
don't ever leave because you feel like you're causing me a heartache
don't ever leave when you get bored
don't ever leave when the person you prefer over everyone shows you the tiniest bit of attention
don't leave me behind, not again
stay here and
I would lay down with you for hours on end if that means I make your mind gaze into happiness and make your heart race too
just friends, though
just friends

you're never satisfied with what you've got, are you?
you always want more than what you have
you're always asking for better
no matter what good there is
I could be a perfectionist but I still wouldn't be good enough for you
and that ******* ****** me off
you could never forgive me for what I've put you through
even though i had no intention to do any of the things
you blamed me for
I loved you, whole heartedly
I've been trying to be the best, to be there for you
through thick and thin
but that doesn't seem to be enough, does it?
you'd still cut me down even if I was too busy stitching your broken, shattered bits back together.
I don't know what is it that made me want to be a better person for you, to make you happy at all times
I guess it was pity
or guilt
or big words like love
you already knew I was shut out several times
so why'd you shut me out again?
you already knew I needed to be fixed
so why'd you break me down even more?
why'd you have to bring my insides out and flip my stomach over and make my body ache?
you couldn't leave that to Karma?
I've got endless questions in my mind and my problem is that I don't bother to ask, nor talk, or even give a sign of despair
I'm sick to my stomach for thinking you could help me
for having a glimpse of hope once more
you picked me up and swiped the dust off me just so you could throw me back again
sometimes I get the feeling that you've been told many wrong statements, assumptions, like your mind and heart have been turned against me, because I know it wouldn't be just you
or maybe you've been hurt, maybe it's the pain you've endured that has changed you this much
you don't know me, no, you didn't give me the chance to show or tell you how much you truly meant to me
you're gold and you're a keeper and i wish you've stayed that way
I wish it was the other way around
I wish I didn't have to lose so much in so little time
I wish I was writing this with no emotions, just thoughts
you've made me bitter, colder than ever
you've made me walk on broken glass and you've cut my scars wide open
I could curse, and cuss meaningless words at you, but I'd rather not you'll come back when you've got no one around anymore, and maybe that's the way it is
not the way it should be, but the way it is

I’m running out of words to explain how much I’m fond of you but I hope you see it deep within my eyes, in the way I look at you like I’m dying just to walk towards you, to hear you talk, to watch you laugh and feel like I’m standing right next to ‘everything I’ve ever asked for’ in a human form. I know that I don’t look at anybody else the way I look at you. I’m needy and I’m selfish, I get crazy jealous over what’s mine, I argue quiet a lot and I complicate things out of my control but I hope you don’t get tired of me, because then I’d be fed up with myself too. I love you, even when I’m ****** as hell, at my worst and best I don’t love you less. I can’t seem to be able to write much about you, I get goosebumps just by the thought of you because you, you cannot be real. You’re a crashing wave and I don’t mind drowning in you.

i don’t know what to write. or what to tell you. but i know it’s about time i start writing about you, us. they say that people stop writing for two main reasons, its either they’re really happy or broken beyond repair. in this case, i suppose i’m happy. i’m over the moon. i live in my own world that consists of days full of you. days where i fall asleep to the thought of you and dream about you and wake up finding you there, sending me a casual morning text that seems like the loveliest gesture to me. i’m so in love with you that i’m speechless. i can’t find the words that would perfectly capture my feelings for you. nothing could ever do you justice. i wish i could write more, i wish i could tell the world how you’ve made me the happiest person during a time where i thought i’d feeling nothing for the rest of my life. i wish i could let them know. but you see, maybe that’s the whole point, maybe no one needs to know. it’s just us, my love, and everything else is a blur. you exist in each and every part of me. you are the reality of everything, the one thing that keeps me going. in all my life i would have never imagined to meet someone like you. i would’ve laughed at the thought of it. but now even the most impossible thoughts seem possible with you. for that, and for many other reasons, i love you.

my love, this isn’t it. there’s more to say and more to write, but everything comes in the most unexpected way, at the most strangest time. for now, i could only tell you that you grew to be a part of me. you live in my heart and wander around my thoughts. you’ve made yourself at home within me. and god, i hope you stay.

I miss you
in other words
I would rather get my insides out than to confess to you how much I've missed - and am still missing - you
I could drive for hours on end just to see you but would turn the other way around when i'm halfway there
you're my guilty pleasure and after all this time I still don't seem to be over you
I could never get over you
I might as well just stay under you and let myself melt down to the warmth of your embrace
because even though you've hurt me, and let me down, that's what everyone does, right?
and throughout all the times I've been hurt
you're by far
my favorite reason to lose sleep
my favorite human being
go ahead and cut me down
you know I'll always come back to you
it's not a matter of pride not a matter of right or wrong
I've endured the same old pain for a long period of time and just at the end of the day, after talking to you, I feel... big things, like joy
but that doesn't mean anything does it?
I could love you for eternity but you'd still refuse to come back because of certain reasons and one of them is that you know me, you know me too **** well to be fooled by my words
or at least that's what you think
I've let myself inside your mind and I've wandered there for all this time yet I still couldn't find a single thought of a connection between you and I
I love you I do but I'm too cold and cruel and I know that my broken bits will give you hurtful scars and I'm sorry for being this way but just so you know
you're my serendipity
there's no escape from your labyrinth except into your arms

I couldn't explain what is it about you
I only put words together and formed sentences in hope that through reading them you'd look at yourself the way I look at you
I felt a certain kind of vibe with you
one that could bring peace to a troubled soul
and I tried to make sense out of it but the only conclusion is that
what you spread reflects who you are as a person and what you are is the answer to every question, the remedy to every wound,
the fixation to every damage
you're the bundle of my joy
the source of my inspiration
you're the opening of each
sunrise and the closure
of every sunset
you bring the best out of the worst, the words out of the poet,
the colors out of the artwork
you pluck the moon out of the sky, fit it into your pocket and give it back every night
you live in between clouds and look down at us with your dreamy eyes and ethereal smile
your imperfections form constellations
and a black hole is nothing compared to the
depth of your beauty. you're not a star my dear but the entire milky way. I've seen it, supernovae in your eyes;
being around you is like witnessing the northern lights
you take me places and despite
your human mind and that you're a human kind
you're a series of all the bright places combined
and I never thought a person could have the galaxy for a soul
until I met you
I never thought a person so gentle could lift the weight of the world
until I met you
you see
out of all people
you're the one who strives to make a difference
the ultimate dreamer, the most exotic being, the absolute stunner
you are the perfect representation of the word "pure"
when I lose hope in the good that this world has to offer
it's people like you who bring it back to me
I wrote this for you and only you

I miss you
I long for you
I would **** to have you by my side

Words like these give you the pleasure of hearing them, don’t they? But little do you know, these words come out from sorrow, despair. Delusion, perhaps.
It could be months before I get you back, it could be years… it could be… never. I may never fall back into your arms again. I might as well stay as I am; broken beyond repair.

I knew I’d lose you I just didn’t have the slightest clue it would be so soon, so… What’s the word? Effortless?
I guess so.
I began losing you that day, little at a time, piece after piece. Fights followed by cold behavior. I started going days without hearing from you, and I began wondering, how on earth do you manage to stay away from the person you love the most and not feel a thing? And then it hit me that this question worked its best on me, maybe it all meant a little something, to me. Maybe, just maybe, you were my favorite thing in the world but I was the least worthy of your time and attention. God knows how much I loath one-sided affection.

My dearest friend, my ever lasting love. You were more than just words. Your beauty was beyond my understanding. I remember laying in bed, wondering, what have I done, that was so purely good, to be blessed with a soul like yours?
You understood me with every word I said, you memorized all of my concepts. And I let you slip away. And I will always hate both of us for letting go of something irreplaceable.

You're no longer here and it all seems pointless cause I write as much as I can but no ink nor thought, no word nor letter has the power to bring you back to me.

I miss you. It sounds pleasing at first, but if you read between those three words, you’ll find what I call… Grief.

I haven’t written in a while, the words seem to escape my mind before reaching my fingers
maybe it’s emptiness, that’s all that it is, you’ve hurt me until I’ve lost all emotions
I used to be a full glass of hope and potential, now I’m half empty
you spilled nearly everything out of me
and somehow even after all that I’ve found a way to be full again
full of pain, full of forgiveness
you took pieces of me, but somehow
I’ve found a way to be whole again
solitary, free, undetermined by anyone’s feelings or thoughts towards me
but even now, when i assume I’m better than ever, i get these waves again
and i used to not mind drowning, not at all
but now i suffocate
because after a long routine of opening the windows of my heart
and slowly, heavily taking a mouthful of fresh air
my lungs close in like I’ve never practiced breathing without you

if you may now my dear, let me speak
because my words are a dead language that only you could read
my thoughts are prisoners and only you could set them free
and my god it makes no sense and i was never yours to keep
but somehow you manage to look through me so mesmerizingly
my dear, I wish I wasn’t but I’m in too deep
and what truly upsets me is the fact that
we never meet
except every night
when i see you in my dreams

maybe it is me after all
I’m ******* up I must confess
but with everything that you are you’ve been my all
took me a while to realize and now I know what’s best
months of longing through summer and fall
got used to the pain and the stress
I started hesitating, whether or not to call
I loved you wholeheartedly and you’ve shown me less
you were always running in circles, always wanted to roll
going to different places, placing out a test
you’ve been with different people that’s what I’ve been told
wasting time and emotions, calling it experience I guess
you wanted me first and foremost
I was yours by all means, yours to caress
I wanted a couple of simple things but I wanted you the most
so I went straight to holding your hands, pursuing happiness
feelings turned to affection and before I knew it I was deeply in love
rolled a dice, played mind games, but this wasn’t chess
our love was demanding nothing less than tough
but it was soothing and necessary, like some kind of anti-stress
you and I, we were far beyond words
we didn’t care to show or impress
it was the vibe and connection we had in store
we were different in spite of being a mess
see being perfect wasn’t what I aimed for
being with you elaborated supernovas in my chest
you could say it was painful but at least it wasn’t dull
all what I was focused on is your smile and your scent
I gave you my whole being and you wanted more
after a while I just wanted some rest
I was tired of being held down to the core
in the depths of my soul you owned residence and to you I was just a guest
is that what you call love or was it just for show?
breaking each others’ hearts while we claim we’re harmless
we cared about each other in ways no one could’ve known
but certain circumstances lead us to being careless
everything I could’ve seen and already saw
everything we’ve implanted in ourselves to avoid shallowness
everything about you that you think is a flaw
I want you for all that it is, I want your soul; celestial and flawless
but my dear where am I supposed to go
when the feeling of your skin against mine is no longer a bliss
within the warmth of your embrace I found my home
but is home really a feeling or is it a person you miss?
healing a person wasn’t something I’d know
to me, happiness was never a quest
you reached out for my help as you stood low
and suddenly I was willing to answer every request
now I lay in bed, covered in my sheets; as white as snow
energy drained, experiencing helplessness
the worst part is I predicted this all
despair and sorrow, nothing dares to hurt less

i’m sick and tired of going through the same struggle everyday. the struggle of staying away from you. i get this urge to call you and tell you how much i’ve missed you and how i really did try my best to move past this but i couldn’t. i spend each and everyday fighting this strong need to talk to you. it’s an addiction, that explains it best. you’re flowing through my veins and i keep trying to scratch you out of my skin but you’re a part of me. you invaded me. and the worst part is i let you. i gave in completely. i fought it continuously but i eventually gave in. i’m in love with you. i don’t know who you are or what you did to me but i’m helplessly and hopelessly in love with you. it’s not the kind of love where you’re here and we’re together and i run my fingers through your curly hair which i imagine is hard. and you tickle me because you love to hear me laugh. no, that image only exists in my deep fantasies. when it’s all said and done, when it comes to reality, it is nothing like that. it’s me against my feelings in a battlefield and you’re watching from afar. completely unconcerned with the pain i’m putting myself through for you. silly, isn’t it? how someone could love you endlessly but from a distance. it feels like we’re miles apart from each other and there’s no possibility of a way back. life works in uneven ways sometimes, but i guess the odds were never in our favor; you and I.

yours truly,
S.B.

be careful with words and cautious when it comes to actions
eventually tables turn and everyones gets a taste of their own medicine

Dear you,
I want to tell you something and I know you won't like it. I know that reading this will frustrate you, how every word makes absolutely no sense. You've made it clear that there won't be such a thing as Us. And I want to make myself clear by telling you that asking me not to love you is not going to make me stop. Telling me to put out my fire will not make me grab the nearest bucket of water. I'll never look for a blanket to throw over these flames. Because what makes them true, all these feelings I have for you, is that here I am writing when there was no possibility for me to write again. Here I am trying to tell you something that you'll never truly understand, that I love you. And my love for you grows deeper by the day. It's not a strike of lightening, it's not instant. It's a developing process. My dear, my love for you is a sunset. You bring out the prettiest shades of orange in me, you bring out love stories and daydreams in me. And my love will not stop at this point simply because you asked me to move on. I hope I made it clear enough that you're absolutely the one.

Dear you,
I wasn't wrong for thinking you were what's best for me, it was your fault when you decided that you weren't. When you decided that you were too ****** up, too complicated. As if I'm not. As if it's not the both of us. As if it's only you. Every day is harder than the other because even on my busiest days, I still go back home to find the thought of you, waiting for me. Waiting for its turn to consume my mind. Waiting for the attention that it demands. I still go back home and hope it's you. I still do. And you'll never understand just what you meant to me and how you truly did hurt me and for the very first time, I had the strength to admit it. And you had the audacity to leave.
I didn't say it because I needed you to apologize, or to look down on me. I said it because you matter, and we matter, and we had to find a way to fix our situation instead of leaving it as it is. Maybe it meant a little more to me and a little less to you. Maybe I'm sitting here, hurting, and you're a thousand miles away, with not a single thought on your mind.
When someone tells you that you hurt them, you don't get up and leave. You make an effort to become a better person. That's what I was willing to do for you. Because I knew I had my issues, a wide range of them, but instead of acting on them, I decided to get over myself and be good to you while I still can. I don't know what I felt for you, but I knew that I felt something and that it wasstrong enough to bring us apart. And if you ever fou another, know that their love will be nothing like mine. I always used writing as a way of tolerating the intolerant. And here I am writing for the sake of tolerating you.

Dear you,
I want my space. I used to say it and think to myself, "I do want my space. But when I want to be alone, you're the only person I want around."
The only person who could defeat my solitude, whose presence equals my need to distance myself
That was then. But now, when I say I want my space. I mean it's me, my emotions and my thoughts all in one room and the only way out is through a door that doesn't allow you to come with me. I mean I need my space. Especially from you. Not from the world, but from you. I don't mind who comes and goes because you are a permanent image stuck in my mind and somehow your presence is always there even on the days where I doubt we ever even happened
Where I doubt you could ever really love me
I wonder why you asked me to go after what I want, I wonder why you lit a match inside my chest and only left me there to burn and suffocate
You generated my feelings and I could never shut them off, not right now, not when it's too late
You put one brick on another, secreted it all with cement and then simply
With one hand gesture
You destroyed all the homes I've built for you
I love you and you're too good and I want this and I want you but no, it won't happen
I don't get you sometimes
And to be frank, I stopped trying to
Because this will only hurt me
This will only bother me
You don't have a single thought in mind of what might be happening in my head in this exact moment
You don't know
And the thing is, I don't think you even want to
I'm writing this and I'm aware that my words don't fit and my sentences don't make sense
But for the first time in a while, I'm writing for relief
For a reason to keep going
For the heartbroken
This one's for an ending that might lead to a beautiful beginning.

in the end, in the very end of it, isn’t life just a series of illusions?
a mind-trick, a game?
aren’t we all just playing
who’s going to drift into the trap first?
we all believe we’d like to have immortality
but what we’d really like to have is peace
we talk about anti-racism and anti-sexism and anti-everything campaigns
but nothing seems to stop
nothing seems to change
because we are not willing to change what is not seen by the eye
what is kept in the chambers of our own souls
we strive
to be the best
yet we don’t really try
we have dreams
that we don’t really chase
we set
our goals up high, on the other side of the world
and make up our own paths
but only seem to head down low
we crave affection but
choose temporary connections
and ignore every last bit of redemption
of our loved ones and
we try
to move on
but find ourselves right back at the start
we try to be good to one another
without considering being good to ourselves
we try and try
to fill in the blanks
but forget that the words
are lined up right in front of us

sometimes I wish it would all stop
pause
I wish that my existence would vanish
just for a little while
and while I'm gone
everything else falls back into place
brokenness finds repair
bitterness finds forgiveness
brutalness finds kindness
danger finds safety
time and memories agree
war and love shake hands
hate and peace share hugs

I don't know how I managed to love you. It wasn't you. It was me. I had a heartbreak that nearly made me numb for the rest of my life. I felt too much that I almost felt nothing at all. I was hurt. No, damaged. Emotionally and mentally. I looked happy, perhaps happy is an overstatement for the act I've put on so let me rephrase, I looked... normal. Sad on some days. But no one would have guessed that the ache in my heart was extremely painful I could physically feel it. I tried looking for ways to help myself but there was no medication that could get me back on my feet. And then I tried meditating but of course, I crashed into tears every time I stood up to pray. I asked God to help me and to heal my heart. I couldn't understand what kind of love would do that to you. I doubt it was love at all. I wish I could say that I'm simply exaggerating while describing my situation back then. I wish I could make it sound beautiful, like in the movies, or at least make a story out of it. But no, see, it was the furthest thing from beautiful and it is the last thing I would want to romanticize. I was broken, and then I was fine again. I helped myself, I took care of myself. I simply gave myself all the time and attention I needed. And I've sworn not to fall in love with anything temporary. I would fall in love with books and fictional characters and my own daydreams but never with something that could be taken away from me, never with a person. Especially since it's not guaranteed. But then, you showed up. I promise I had no intention of loving you. Until this very day, I wish I could stop it because my love for you brought us apart. My passion. My eagerness. And my desire. Then your coldness. Your carelessness. And the way it put out my fire. My dear, I'm not here to tell you about the things you did or didn't do. I'm not here to right your wrongs or point out your flaws. I'm here to tell you that you gave me a feeling that there is still a glimpse of hope. There is still some good left in the world. There is still, the tiniest possibility of soulmates finding each other. There is love. And my love, it is important. I'm here to tell you that rather than bringing out a side of me that everyone had the privilege of meeting, you brought out the worst in me. You showed me what it's like to have someone **** you off to the extreme but still, you wouldn't trade them for the world. You showed me a deeper connection and the true meaning of friendship. You showed me, in months, what someone else would fail to show me in years. You had the kind of laugh that made me believe that there is an ending to all my bad days. After hearing your laugh, anything negative would be eliminated out of my mind. You had eyes that struck me to death. You had that one-in-a-million killer smile and curls I could get lost in. You were exquisite. Out of the ordinary. You still are. And I think you always will be. You made me want to write again, to feel again and to experience again. I promise you, you made me want to sing at the top of my lungs to songs I don't even listen to and smile at strangers and talk about what bothers me. You made me head over heels for you. But then, you made me want to drop everything and leave. And although we lost touch, know that I love you still.

there’s a tiny bit of pleasure behind all of it
maybe I enjoy roaming these streets alone, picking myself up, all by myself
and maybe sometimes it ***** me up the fact that no one dares to come close and whoever takes the chances ends up being rejected and shut out  
what is it with me? why can’t I open up to you the same way you do why can’t I let it all out
I don’t want to be next, I watched you and the people you love the most drift apart and I just don’t want to be next. I don’t want to open my heart and let my soul attach itself to yours just so you could leave me shattered later on. six months later I can see myself ******* things up again
because I can’t help it, I can’t stop thinking
I can’t express my inner thoughts and emotions without being misunderstood but you, you fix me
you inspire me, you make me want to spend the rest of my life behind you, watching over you, making sure you’re safe and sound
you make me want to be a better person for you, the greatest friend anyone could ever have the privilege of encountering
I wish I was enough I wish I wasn’t so ****** up
but if we’re both as ****** up as we claim could we master the art of perfection? could we fill up each other with what we’ve got left? am I wrong for believing in you? for seeing things in you no one else can
or am i just another passing memory of yours?
teach me what I am to you for I must know how much to expect from you
I don’t want to expect anything from you
I don’t want you to know that you’re capable of letting me down because you’re by far the only thing I thought I needed and even if you take me by my arm and throw me across the Atlantic ocean you’d still be my favorite
best I ever had

they were both two very splendid human beings
they understood each other in all the ways two people can understand each other
they shared a very strange desire to be next to one another
there was so much fire in whatever kind of beautiful
******-up relationship they had
so much fire to the point where they eventually burned out
grew apart

she tells him that she met someone new but he doesn't bother to care because in his dreams, they meet, somewhere between reality and illusions; they share all what is left unsaid

I wonder if you will ever stop hurting me, if we will ever stop hurting each other
I understand your intentions, after all, I've seen your soul
as pure as it was, you've hurt me continuously until I could no longer sense the pain
all I knew was that I carried it around with me, it became a part of me
it would be my first morning thought
it would crawl up inside my body and leave me trembling on the bathroom floor
it would put its hand in mine and walk through entire tragedies with me
the pain would never let me go
it would put me to sleep but never at ease
and I tried to shut it out
to lock the doors of my mind
but even months after the pain stopped occurring
it came rushing back
leading scars and flashbacks behind it
and you allowed it to take over my head and break through my chest with not an ounce of mercy
you could see through my soul
you knew your way around my mind
and so, you allowed it
you will never truly understand this but I helplessly fell in love you
I have written you thousands of millions of words that I have never sent
you were my best friend, my family, my entire world
I would have cherished you until the day I died
and now I understand more than ever that what doesn't **** you only prepares you for emotional death
where were you when I needed your apology, your presence, perhaps not your sympathy, but your commitment
where were you?
nowhere to be found, that is where you were
and now you're everywhere and I don't want you but I need you to go
to take your words, your memories, your entire existence that means nothing, and go
because I've had enough and I can't take any more of this
I don't need a closure and I certainly don't need you
you took years of my life and made them yours, you took my time, my secrets, my patience, my kindness and made it all yours
what more could you possibly want?
I wish I could write more
but my words fail me
because you took everything
and left me with a lack of expression
and a void that I'm still trying to fill

There’s something so mesmerising about you
I haven’t quite figured out what that something is…
Is it the way you talk, with sweet words and concepts rushing out of your mouth?
Or is it the way your hair falls back, having perfection spread on each and every inch of you…
Either way, it’s the kind of thing people spend their whole lives looking for
and I’ve found it right here, in you, with you
and I can’t tell you how lucky I am for having the chance to come three steps closer to something, someone so astonishing
The human’s finest traits, the world’s richest shade of hazel, and the different rays of gold in a sunset…All captured into one human being, all found within the beauty of your eyes
You are the perfect representation of the word “pure”
You are what I’d gladly spend hours on end trying to figure out
Let me get to you. Let me inside your mind so I could see the world from your point of view and experience each and every emotion and feeling with you. Because the way you put yourself together, the way you smile kindly despite how cruel life has been to you, the way you talk and the way you laugh, giving me a feeling that you’re back to being 8 years old, is what I love about you. If you asked me to mention the things I love about you, I could go on forever. But one thing I’m certain about, is that there’s a tiny bit of magic in you. A tiny bit of clouds and day dreams, a tiny bit of the things we ought to ourselves to try to feel. You’re utterly true to yourself and the people around you, you’re going through life with pleasure, with a glimpse of hope hidden behind that smile of yours, that someday things will turn out to be the way you want them to. I will always think of you as the human being everyone would ever want to be, because you’re on the cusp of daring yourself to feel. And I could be standing right there, ready to be by your side while you do.

"Look through me!" I begged
"All I see is that you're as empty as the hole you've left behind you."

what I am is different words, different concepts
I'm true, and I'm real, I'm a friend and I'm a keeper
I'm your saddest hello and your sweetest goodbye
I'm our destiny
love me for good and don't leave me for better

my mind is occupied
I don't want to write about it
I just want to push the idea of it backwards and backwards in my mind until the thought settles down in a dusty corner
with spider webs
I want to put it in a file with a sign on it that says 'do not open'
I want to eliminate the thought of it out of my head
but of course it's not and never will be that simple
so the right thing to do is wait for it to pass like it never happened
trying not to think about something
will only make you think about it more
and surely 'in order for a wound to heal you must stop touching it'
I will stop touching images of the past and rearranging them in my mind I will stop living in delusions
and I will not give discomfort the benefit of making itself at home within me
my body is my vehicle
my soul is my start engine
and I'm the only one in control

I try not to but I fall into deep sleep
hoping I’d meet you somewhere between the horizon
and the blue sea
I try not to but I picture you looking back at me
taking my hand as we fly through fantasies  
holding me close as we reach galaxies

I never understood why the universe tried its best to tear us apart. I kept thinking of how contradictory and hypocritical it is of the world to use all its natural forces in bringing us together only to break us apart. We were meant to be, entirely destined for one another, thats what we would tell each other on our good days. And on our bad days I’d hold on to that thought. I’d tell myself that you and I are far stronger than to be separated. I wish I could make sense of what you’re going through, I wish I could make your worst days seem bearable. But my love, all i could ask you now is to hold on to us. All the distance in the world could never lessen my love for you, just please don’t let it lessen your love for me.

I'm not grateful for you
you shattered me in a way that is not poetic
but ever since then I've been a poet

he talks about her like she is every reason he is hurting and every reason he keeps moving

he wakes up and she is the only thing on his mind
he gets out of bed with one, her smile
he glances at his sleepy eyes and messy hair in the mirror with two, her reflection looking back at him
he cleans himself up with three, her voice telling him how she's always moisturizing and pampering herself
he puts on his clothes with four, her hands on his chest
he pours coffee into her once favorite mug with five, her eyes all teared up that one time she burned her tongue
he comes back home late and unsteady
he looks for his missing pieces in people who are not whole themselves he attempts to build up extraordinary relationships with people who stopped believing in such things
all in hope that his mind would erase the idea that he belongs to one person
he sets his alarm on somedays
other days he's too tired to move
he rests his head on a couple of pillows with six, the feeling of her fingers running through his hair
he fixes his mind and tries to think straight with seven, the realization that she is long gone and he is only stuck with hallucinations of the past and what could have been
he falls asleep to the thought of her
he breathes to the scent of her
it's all too quiet but he swears he could hear her voice sometimes

in the morning, he wakes up and she is the only thing on his mind everything goes back into reverse, he lives in repeated events
his body goes on with his life.
his soul, still trapped in what ifs  
he smiles and it's the brightest thing ever; the sun seems suddenly irrelevant
he laughs and I could see
in that curve
in that temporal moment
that it's been a while since everything broke down in his world yet he couldn't find a way to repair the damage
and she is every reason behind that

so what happens when you lose something you were so terrified of losing? what happens when the constant dreams of that one person stop occurring? so what if your phobic fears come alive and the world turns into burning ashes, what happens then?
is it fear that controls you, or is fear just an illusion?

it saddens me to think that people who used to be so close to each other, eventually drift apart. that coffee eventually gets cold and cigarettes come to an end and so do our lives.

i don’t know what to do, love. i wish there was something i could do to help me bare with the heaviness of your absence. as hard as it is, i’ve come to realize that i need you here. i need to hear the sound of your laugh. i need to gaze into your brown eyes one more time. i need to stare at you doing such ordinary things, like watching your favorite show or having your favorite dish. i need to hear you talk about university or state your opinion on a movie or documentary. i need to feel that ache in my stomach from cracking up at your jokes and watching you do the clumsiest things to make me laugh. i need you to try to throw me off bed and feed me in public when i’m not looking just because you know it embarrasses me. i need you to pose anywhere and take endless pictures of us. i need you to introduce me to your mom one more time. i need you to smile again when she asks about me. i need you to get frustrated with me but still call me by my name so i know i haven’t lost you forever. i need you to randomly call me when your friends are around. i need you to ask me one more time why i want to hang up. i need you to listen as i tell you the things i could never say to anyone else. i need you to get under my skin, to **** me off like no one else. i need you to make me feel as comfortable as i felt the first night we met. i need you to put my mind at ease. i need you to fight for me one more time. i need you to discuss the most random topics with me. i need you to share your writings one more time. i need you to lay with me while we listen to our favorite songs, just one more time. i need you to give me that rush, to send shivers down my spine, to make me feel like my heart is about to drop, just one more time. as pathetic as it sounds, i need you here. but i know for a fact, that you don’t need me. and i don’t need the heartache of knowing that you don’t feel the same way i do.

so stay safe, love. i need you to be strong, love. i need you to admire every sunset you come across. i need you to blast your favorite songs and cruise around the city. I need you to wear your heart on your sleeve without worrying about the whole world looking. i need you to finish reading the book i gave you. i need you to keep those two bracelets. i need you to work ******* achieving your goals. i need you to make the best out of your life because every second counts. i need you to smile softly. i need you to fall in love with someone who’s willing to give you more than you deserve, because you deserve the world and should only settle for someone who can offer you an entire multiverse. i need you to talk about your feelings. i need you to value yourself and stand your ground. i need you to recommend the Breadwinner series to as many people as you can. i need you to listen to Location one more time. i need you to sing along to it, just one more time. i need you to go on with your life and i need you to be happy, even if that happiness doesn’t include me. i need you to belong to the horizon and the night sky and the stars, because you could never belong to me.


yours truly,
S.B.

Actually, I do. I do want to talk. To understand. To dance and not care if someone's watching. To inspire. To become. To evolve. To be different. Extraordinary. To put limits. To be so close yet so out of reach. To know when to trust and when to step back and when to walk away. To value my words before they travel from my brain and out of my mouth. To make people happy. To spread positive vibes. To stop caring and explaining myself when it's not needed. To push the foot break slowly and gently. To achieve all the goals I have set. To be smarter than the average. To be closer to Allah. To keep in mind that life is not real yet still enjoy every bit of it. To fall in love and have it last a while. To sky and scuba dive. To overcome my fear of the ocean. To meet different cultures. To speak my mind openly to people. To be the first of my country to visit space. To expand my knowledge. To pay my parents back. To visit the world. To defeat the obstacles. To live. To die knowing that I did.

I long to be full of life
I want to write, to read
to fall in love over and over again
until I'm convinced that I'm living and
I'm not as empty as I assume

she was the girl who was not like most girls
she would spend her days typing love letters on a vintage typewriter while others would spend their days texting
she was the closest thing to mermaids and fairy tales
she had an imagination as wide as the ocean
a mind as sharp as a knife

her soul was incredibly beautiful that if you looked closely
you could see the flowers blooming in her bloodstream.

she was full of life until someone came along and took if from her
she remained as lifeless and miserable as the dead for months on end until that very moment when she decided to stand on her bare feet without anybody holding her steady
and she'd write
she'd write until she'd bleed her insides out if that means getting the poison out of her system

see this girl right here
was not like most girls
this girl right here
was the the odd one out

I fell in love with a writer
those eyes were the only thing
I've read and drew

I fell in love with an artist
ever since then I've been living
in shades of blue

I fell in love with words and syllables
somehow, they were not all true

but mostly I fell in love with sunsets
with watching them
and admiring you

and I just want to tell you day and night
from dawn until the stars come out
that I love you without a doubt

you never get the things you want when you want them
it's always too late
they apologize
but it's too late for apologies
they love you
but it's too late for mutual feelings
they speak up
but it's too late for defense
they leave flowers on your grave
but it's too late for gratitude
yet just the right time for regret

I'm like a tidal wave; I come and go. And you're the shoreline, trying hard to hold on to something that's backing away, realizing that it took pieces of you as it left.

I have had it with living under these circumstances. I’m leaving, but to where? to who
I start questioning myself, wondering if this is a good idea
and then, all of a sudden, my mind brightens with the thought of you
my eyes sparkle with a thousand rays of light
to whose arms will I run to? yours
where will I find shelter? I ask
any place that gives me the pleasure of laying next to you is what I call, ‘home’
wherever you are is wherever I want to be. whatever you’re doing, is what I have waited a lifetime to do with you. you are my guilty pleasure, my awoken dream, my sweet serendipity… you are mine, indeed, therefore I am yours. In each and every way there is to belong to somebody, I belong to you.
take me to you.
where will I ever find comfort except in the softness of your voice?
am I too cliche to say so? either way, you’re my fallen angel
and I could say i’m the luckiest but I’d rather say I’ve been blessed with someone who puts up with me, handles me at my worst, someone who would gladly let me in no matter what time it is, no matter what the circumstances were
speaking of circumstances
I have had it with living here... I’m leaving
to where, who? to you