lately everything makes me wanna cry
so i'll fix it by going out and getting high
drive straight through 234 like russian roulette
to see if i'll get hit
i need another hit
and one turns into the whole bowl pack
i get dazzled in a daze of technicolor and emoticons
flying through my eyes like doves
i hope the black birds don't come
because i'm superstitious
throw salt over my shoulder
so satan doesn't come near
but what does that do when i have horns too
with a halo hanging on them like ring toss
i don't wanna do drugs anymore
i can hear my liver whimpering in the corner
begging to not get beat
but i use the belt again
and bash my head against the bathroom sink
sometimes i wish i died in my dad's bathroom
when i fainted from my prescription
funny how the legal drugs
almost always **** me
but i wake up alive after altering my mind
funny how peaceful heatstroke is:
losing sight
drifting sound
moving farther away like my ears are
detached from my head
last thing to dissipate is touch
until my fingertips turn blue
funny how burning off my fingerprints
wouldn't remove my identity
because i already wiped it out
with the ganj- and the grass
alternative medicine isn't healing
if it's being abused
and i'm so tired of feeling abused
even three years into the future
demons seeping through the cracks of my walls as i sleep
they haunt my dreams and flip them over into nightmares
but i will always go back to sleep
because i get to escape here but stay here
i want to astral project
and shoot my consciousness into the sky
instead of shooting myself in the head
i want to soar
and pick shooting stars out of the sky
and hold them in my hand with the same warmth as yours
i want to feel body heat on body heat
until i start to sweat and squirm
and you twitch in your sleep
i want to stare at space
instead of into it
when you can see the trauma
hollowing my eyes out
and caving my face in
from bashing it against the bathroom sink
and ripping my hair out
strand by strand
clump by clump
i would cut myself
but there's no spot on my body
concealable for when i feel better
i don't want to be reminded
every day of how i used to feel
because my mind already does that for me
i have good moments
so i tell myself after the bad passes, good will always come again

i am building a brick wall
in front of the mirror
because she's saying that when the bad passes, the good will come again
but what's the point when the bad comes back
an uninvolved father
stopping by every now and then
to use the tv
with the sound off and the static on
dissolving into the couch
like the lysergic odyssey melting on my tongue
absorbed by the grayscale of unhappiness
but i'll never say depression
because i'm scared of going back to therapy
backwards progress is not progress in my head, it's failure
maybe that's why i'm scared to go sober
because i'll always relapse

i’m wasting all your ****
because every time you get high
i blow you like ****
if i bit the tip off
blood stained teeth look so bad
because the braces off
gum problems grinding teeth
crunching on pearls having dreams
of pearly whites falling out like
chuck e. cheese token
wake up startled and you’re not next to me
panic attack paranoia at 3 a.m.
witching hour demon watching through
the window
i am not safe from cherry eyes with the
lamp on because they can see me
staring through the window
spazz out to realization
what’s behind the woods
i take a pretty pill and slither out the window
while laying in my bed
pillow texture heavy but pitter patter crunch grass therapeutic
soar through fence, float over trees
come to the spot
by the lake we sat at on easter
i want to go back to summer
i want to go back to spring
i want to go back to winter
when we were shy for each other
now i can’t look you in the eyes
without twists of guilt and adoration
because we argue too much
i don’t even know how to cry
while you fill up the lake
big brash geese flop down into
this pool of your tears
i brush my hand against your shoulder
to comfort you but you shudder away
from me
like i’m a ghost’s breeze
my heart dips its head and goes
downstairs for a snack
water dispenser don’t work
so my mouth’s dry with toasted air
strained lungs can’t cough up words to say
knowing how to comfort you is a skill i forgot
all i can repeat is i love you
you sob at the side of your house as i flutter to you
butterfly butterfingers
as you slip out of my touch
i’m getting so distant
because the tide is pulling me back
let me say i love you baby
you say “i know you do”
i retract back to my bed
no night’s sleep stuck in a trip
doxycycline ***** cycle
you witnessed eight times
in one night
and you comforted me
i miss when we took care of each other
cycling through our memories
i want to pedal to you
but i don’t know how to ride a bike
told your pappy i ran over my mom with
purple disney princess bike when i was six
you let me in your home
built up on swiss cheese drywall
basically an old married couple at sixteen
waking up in (y)our bed together
naked planning for our baby in ten years
please let me cross this imaginary line
and run into your arms
our bodies were crafted from fire and amniotic fluid for the sheer purpose
of holding each other
the nook of your neck and shoulder
and the cranny of my hips
we come together like puzzle pieces
please don’t swipe me off the table
i want to fit with you

i take a stroll through a concrete fuzz of grey and gray
it seems so surreal to me to even breathe
i live in a dream where my feet move themselves
as my arms clench onto the bed
grasping sheets that protect me from no ghosts
no shadow people or monsters
because they crawl under them when i cry myself to sleep
i see so many faces
morphing changing
man to woman to someone
i fear recognition
i fear being nobody
the breeze is only temperature
pressure is an illusion
little children prancing through the mildew grass
what is green grass and
what are blue skies
what are happy smiles
when i'm not even frightened to die
spiraling in and out of control
i am a video edited
by my drugs
they insert transitions into my existence
fade effects and pretty overlays
i crave them like candy store kids
i envy them
i want to wear their shell
and experience their lust for growing old
so that i can reverse it
and back this car up into the walgreens
and stumble out with opal eyes
wider than how i spread my thighs
for personalities that are not mine
i want to french kiss a gun
and pull the bullets out with my tongue
and tie the metal into cherry knots
i want to see all the colors
and feel all the love for myself
that i don't have sober
i yearn to create solutions for all my mistakes
and accept that they got me to where i am now
keep pushing
so that the rest of my body moves with my feet
and my soul no longer stays in place

when the leaves of the peach trees have grown
and their branches bend and furrow
i’ll ask you to step away from me
leave the garden be
peppered in mango and pickled poppy plants
while we part ways in a tango of estrogen and ivory
i wish you could carve me an idol
turn me pristine and stone
groove all my etches and blemishes
out with a simple cast of the hand
i’ve always yearned for simple ecstasies,
satisfactions of the tongue and the sacral chakra
wonders of the body and the mind
cross ways and tangle when sprinkled on the soul
i’ll bring my telescope so we can shoot to the north star together
beaming through space and time like meteors knocking planets out of the sky
because i throw dimensions on their side
when i throw it to the side
and i ignite your flame
house fire, forest crumble
slice of blueberry pie with vanilla scoop on the side
“would you like some lemonade, dear?”
while the sky tears in twelve
and we play tea party in my little cottage
hoisted against the edge of the world