I feel like I am a prisoner.
Not to a cell. Not to a location.
But to this feeling.
That no one will understand me.
That I can only express my truest feelings,
In these very lines.
Choosing my words so carefully.
Lest you think me foolish or ignorant.
Lest you think less of me for who I am
Instead of being proud and happy.
I feel chained to this keyboard
Writing this line.
Until the end of time.
Until I can share what I feel free of judgement.
Until then, I write.

I feel a poetic fondness
When thinking back a year ago today
I could barely find time to breath
(It's true, your beauty had me breathless)
But because we talked incessantly.
Of music and food and every word
Tumbling out of your sweet lips
Made me more and more attracted
Until you were at my house
And we sat watching funny videos
On the couch as I nervously
Wanted to kiss you.
There was a moment
Or twelve, of course,
Where I thought that's what you wanted too...
Yet I waited until you had to leave
For three long weeks.
And there on my porch
Late in the night
I pulled you back from walking out of my life
And I kissed you.

There's so many things I want to say to you
Things that bother me or that are on my mind
Yet it always seems like the wrong time
Or that I won't be able to convey my thoughts
They way they float around in my head.

I'm afraid you'll convince me that I was wrong to think them.
That I was stupid or selfish to want this or that.
It's not like you're a mean person, or controlling.
You just make a lot of sense when you talk.
So when I talk and don't seem to make a lot of sense,
You let me know. Usually nicely.
Occasionally you don't though.
And it  makes me not want to say anything at all.

So I end up thinking about them a lot more.
Convincing myself that if I think about them a lot
I won't mess up the words I rehearsed so many times.
But frankly, my communication muscle is just very weak.
And the times when I need it most
Are the times it's hardest to use.

I long to talk freely and eloquently,
To know what it's like to have logical thoughts
Which come out all in a row
Like soldiers marching to their own drums.

Until then, I stay quiet. Thinking.

They say you know happiness when you find it
Which is an odd thing to say
For people who don't know it
Like looking for your keys
When you don't even have a car.

Let's celebrate indecision!
The weighing of pros and cons
The doubts and what ifs.
Rejoice in the feeling of uncertainty
When all the options seem equally weighted.
When doing what you please doesn't seem pleasing at all.
Suppose there was only one choice,
Now add five more.
Conjure up that feeling of confusion
Cherish that back and forth
Like tossing and turning at night
The uneasiness with which you approach
A fork in the road, which
Sounds more like a headache.
The longer you teeter the more you totter
Until at last! The decision seems made
...Or does it?

If only they made one brand of toothpaste.

It used to be that my favorite part of baths were the whirlpool
That twisting tornado of water
Spiraling out of control as the dirt and soap disappeared
Into the darkness
But what if instead of water and dirt
It was our life?
What then, would be draining?
Emotions, and youth
Decisions and mistakes.
Memories all swirling away into nothing.
That must be what if feels like to get old.
As the last drops of warm water escape
Leaving only the cool air on our wet pruny skin.

Thank goodness for soft comfy towels.