At 16 full of rightous fury
A flurry
Of words hastily written
Hidden phone under desks
Words spill from the chest
Let the day end
Long for rest

17 responsibilities abound
Astounding
how so little yet much, too much
A  growing
moutain
Of thoughts and anxious regrets
Begets questions and more questions
Answers
bereft

18, 19, 20 s
run in a blur
Uncurl
from the fetal postition
Transitonal
Period global pandemic
Panic, manic, static
Nother round-wait hold one
******!

Head down, mouth shut
told not to start up
and stir the *** the kettle cool
Don't act up like a fool

when atrocities come to stay
and still no words permitted to say
then actions come to overthrow
the blindfolded regulating what to know

And in the peace when violence reigns
and monsters shed their human remains
underneath our bubbling skin
we attack all of their sin

For when in the temple merchants set
our dear Lord Jesus quite upset
and raged against with braided whip
a love so strong it can't be chipped

fight then with songs, hymn sand a holy fire
and expose the devils inner desire
laid not in the poor, the oppressed, the downtrodden
but those who feast and harvest the souls of the forgotten

Come one come all to the twenties again!
Where plagues abound and fears resound
but with few on the mend
of course  discounting those who shun saying scam
and would much rather the poor proletariat slave away
like an automaton
and even those are prone to fraying
To those poor souls left to suffer for corporations care
and those necasssry deaths as eugenics rears again

Come thee to the future! The hopes of many-body dashed
and trampled beneath powers unweilding unfeeling
of filled morgues and overworked doctors and nurses and workers
and children fearing for the safety of their parents escaping to virtual reality
and piles of homework forgotten along with the assignments due dates.
And yet only a few stops away
communities denied aid
and those in the towers build bridges with the bodies deemed unneeded

Observe ye the Biblical event predicted in the sacred texts
foretold of hiding inside homes both for fear and to flatten the curve
and mounting anxiety anger frustration nations scrambling unprepared

come one come all
all ye behold
the twenties are back and history makes yet another round.

It's been some years now
And still
You got room to grow
Got a rythm and your own beat
Slowly starting to navigate through
The turbulant tussles and winding winds
Whipping everything about
Deep breath
Calm now
The journeys just begun

Peeking through the windows of the train car
rucksack balanced on shoulders
Idly contemplating where to next
a vagabond can land for quick respites
scanning surroundings inhales of clouds
and exhales of shadows surrounding memories
and treasure chests wrapped tightly in cloth
buried under a tree
the key
drifting down the river
waiting nestled between stones
and uncapped inkwell and blank page
rapid rivers reaching
but unable to send them back
trying to pin down and address
on open roads and sketchy motels
the fine makes feet continue to run
continue to walk
with few stops
dizzying hourglasses
and hands chime grandfather clocks
left behind with scarlet trails
here to chase but them to leave
home

Three times in the hospital
sitting near the window
ds screen illuminating
distraction
years going by
and the rising anxiety
that very soon the end
feeling too grown
at the same too young
being a mom
and a grand-daughter
a sister and a housekeeper
riding in an ambulance 10am
playing translator
stupid scale pain system
empty stomach
awkwardly standing aside
she's all that's left
others are working
stuck at home afraid to go out
scheduled medications glued to memory
and panic when forgotten
and still too childish
but no longer a child
pre-mourning pushed aside
cause shes still here
still guilt
worry
knawing
shut up
shes still here
shes still here
shes still here

Appply , rinse, red runs down
Copper still sits on the tongue
Repeat watch
As it swirls down
Resisting to poke where copper wells
Still it sits
Though less with ice
The odd taste of copper

Hey,
Ya'mind
Just wiring right?

You're as gentle as a lover
your patience knows no bounds
so tender is your touch as you place us in the ground
your hands tirelessly work
your eyes rarely blink
Late conversations keep you from catching a wink
your soundless voice soothes us
you are never in a rush
when you start your work
we bid each other hush
you rest our weary bones
and release us from this home
you reassure us we won't be buried alone
Dear precious grave digger
though we wish to flee
By your side is where we belong
we remain with thee

Heart beats and hammers
Shadows blooming
Beckoning
Trail along silently
Translation not needed
Living outside the body
Gazing down on the maze
Paths and roads
Painting an earthy mural
Mirrored petals
And twirling tornadoes of autumn
Prancing around as clouds shade
And the moon illuminates
Weariness

Speech robbed
Atrocities beyond understanding
****** you
pitiful fool
for digging your own pitfall
but alas
Only God plays fates hand
the ultimate judge on conscience and compassion
human nature traded in
for the devils branded mask
messengers of demons
eternal flames await
imbeciles wasting life before it starts
just to feed the darkness
residing within
stand before the judge
though no name is without sin
the difference lies
in the ability to feel guilt
not even the fires of hell
can burn the deeds on your hands
innocent blood
you ******* monster

Heavy eyelids
Flutter and stutter
Struggling to remain
In a state of consciousness

But how can one resist
The tempting silence
As it beckons
To pillows and blanket fortresses

Where stuffed animals of youth await
And remind
Take care
Take care
Go to sleep precious darling

At twelve it was a small group
Easy to keep an eye on
And most were capable of thinking for themselves
All I really had to do was comfort them when they cried
Break up fights.
Little plauground stuff
At fifteen there were children
None actually ours
But I loved them the same
And treated them like the others
At sixteen two sisters
Two pairs of them actually
The younger pair, difficult, but loveable
The elder pair easier
Playing with my brother
While the younger was laughing
As father jokingly called her
Ms."waaaa"
At sixteen they came back
Now thee was four
The baby who used to cry
When someone other then auntie and I held her was all grown up
Running around, talking
Giving me a headache
Still I love them all the same
At seventeen one of four
Leaves in maybe a dream haze
Worrying mother, auntie and myself
Wondering if still he missed those who didn't want him.
At seventeen I'm jokingly called mom
With a"daughter" starting college
Another in high school
But both uncertain
At seventeen
Scolding when needed
But still trying to understand
Wanting both sides
Because I know what its like
I'm still young enough to know
What its like to be ignored by elders
And at seventeen
Looking at all my kids
Ever increasing
Ever being a thorn in my side
And still these kids
Are still mine
So long as they see me
As someone who protects
Once under my care
They are my kids.

You only live
so I keep my life?
why do you speak
so much of
giving your life
in exchange for mine?

As fires blaze
in the sanctity of our room
cards lay out
in a gamble

I cannot allow you
To suffer again
To be toyed with or worse
Ripped and burned

The both of us
We'll be filled with love
When the executioner comes
To collect us

This is our gamble
these cards on the table
neither of us
will be a sacrifice

your life
for mine
what kind of twisted fate
lays waste
to an innocent being
who was trapped in
a mechanical hell

As gunfire
and bonfires
chaos explodes

take my hand
and in our execution
let's both go
to Elysium.

She talks
and asks
why
I cannot speak

She drags me everywhere
and has a grand time
while I am forced
to live in a mechanical body
she crafted to me

Radio waves
are my only means
and one sentence repeats
in my limited vocal ability

I pray for Elysium
and the soft grace and rest
still she drags me
I'm nothing but a doll

spirits take me
from this prison
why must I be forced
to live a life already full

When I found you
You were a small, shriveled seed
Forgotten even by the birds
And the ants the crawled across the ground.

When I saw you
Stuffing fell in great piles
And scarlet seams ripped open
The fabric torn

When I spoke to you
It was through glass
My voice muffled
And eventually
I resorted to attempting backwards writing
On the glass between us.

When I held you
I was afraid
So many pieces
One wrong move
And you'll scatter all over the floor.

And I took that seed
And gave it to my mother
And asked her to teach me
How to grow a tree

I took the teddy
To my grandma
Who showed me how to fix the seams
And gave me a heart to put inside it.

I struck the glass with a hammer
From my brother
And as tiny crystals rained down
I hurried to shield you

And pulling out my seams
I stitch you together.
With part of me
So you're never alone

But....

Though I have found you
You insist on staying broken
And you pick at the seams
And collect the glass
But even so
If you leave
My seams will still hold
Till the day you come to find me

Dancing gracefully
In the mantel
Smoldering wood
Gives rise to dancers

Wraiths

Writhing and twisting
Steps crackling
And beauty fades
To ashes on the ground.

Between snore
A soft melody
Makes you forget
Mother not home

And though I may
Be annoyed at my task
To hear those snores
Mixed with tinkling chimes
Makes rewinding the key
Repeatedly
Worth it.

Cloudy minds
and quick tongue
sever ties
in an instant

and in the heat
of rage
is love and forgiveness forgotten

Rage is a storm
wait for it to pass
then will you be able
to see clear skies

Never will
his memory die
for he lives
in song and art

floating
his spirit blends
with his beloved sky
filled in a sea
of stars

and in the stars
at last he has become
part of the space
he loved

The legend watches
now a constellation
and smiles upon
the work he has inspired

On the bedside she see's
the bottle responsible
for keeping her big brother
the way he was before

the 'happy bottle' she named it
and hoped that eventually
big brother will no longer need it
and they could really live happily

But big brother said
he hates the happy bottle
and that when he uses it
it hurts

she grew to hate the happy bottle
because she realized
in her brothers eyes
he was only numbed

Taking the happy bottle
she breaks it
hoping to give her big brother
his happiness back

How easily done
applying words
to situations
not your own

easier yet is it to
fake sympathy with words
so when writing for others
let them see
that what's written it genuinely/

Gotta laugh
at how things spin
and when they say
outcasts never win

but groups and cliches
are still a thing
still human
insecurities hidden within

Jocks and nerds
cheerleaders, readers
still inside
asking
"Please love me"
"Please accept me"

how things have seemed to turn
How outcasts are still outcasts
but things previously applied to outcasts
now mainstream?

An outcast is never truly outcast
for they outweigh those
said to be cool and popular
still

no matter how big the group
outcasts always seen as that
minority of preps will soon see
that the true outcasts
are those

hiding behind the validation
of others
and their crew

There is risk and words
in arguments
against what is commonly
perceived as true

try and bring up politics
and they'll want to make
an enemy of you

to quiet you
and drown you and noise
block out facts
with fake new reports

and suspicion becomes
what is seen as true
no longer are
facts and logic friend

underneath
at all
fear and no understanding
risk to say what is true

risk what you say
risk what you do
careful cause they'll make
an enemy of you

Stuck in fantasy
cursed
broken
sad little boy
alone

smothered by conformity
forced to be
what he is not

be this
Don;t be that
Don't be you

No
no
refusal
no

break
no
break!
NO!
BREAK!
NO!
­
just a fool
always the fool
not going
to stay
chooses to stay
lost in yourself

Delicately placed
upon her bedside
how did he get past
with out her knowing?

snoring beside
still in a world of dreams
he stares
yearning for her beauty
and in the doorway
stand her guardian

he rubs his eyes, once, twice
no anger, only confusion
with a tilt of his head
silently he questions
who are you

you freeze, caught
surely, this will be your last night
where you can gaze
upon her sleeping form.

Drop by in the morning, it's late
you stare in surprise, no malice on his features
eyes on the white rose
he leaves you to your devices

Steam,vapour,power,life
opens up a mechanical eye
springing to life
curious
scared

maniacal laughter
thinking
they have over come
life and death
their creation huddled in a corner
terrified of what there fate will be

Hiding with the one
he longs to be with
knowing she is engaged to another
songs his only way
to communicate

though she is flesh
and he a beast
disfigured and hideous
still she loves

arms grasp
peeling off
outer layers
fall like a sheet

behind it
lies
a soul who's finally free

False facade hidden
A gentlemanly act houses
Killer instinct

It teases
Luring its prey
Little do they know
Behind the polished shoes and shined shoes
Lies a mastermind
Clever in lies
Perfect in deception

Not even a scream
Can be uttered
Before his job is done

Darling you’ve waited too long
Darling you’ve fell
For a mystery man

Charmed and enchanted you’d never know
The malicious intentions
Hidden behind amused iris’

Swoon into his hold
Vulnerable
Letting him strike

You scream

And now darling
You’re donned in red
Sorry sweetie looks like you’re dead

You never listened
To warnings or concerns
All because you wanted

Adventure
Rush
Thrill

All because
You wanted
A dangerous man

And darling now
You’re six feet under

Because you lusted for a dangerous man.

Each childs tale
Has much to tell
Of how they got here
And why

And surrogate mothers
And fathers too
Look at the damage
And wonder why

And in the eyes
Of these children
They too
Ask themselves why

And in the eyes
Where sociey lies
Surrogate children
And parents wonder why

Keepers eyes
Shrouded in
Disguise
Sorrow for
Soul lost

Whats we love turns to hate
This is the human races fate
For why we love we lock away
Forbid it from seeing night and day
And when our love rebels and screams
We pretend to be asleep and dream
And weapons they inspire us
To create
To destroy rides
On our loves hate

With friends broad smile
Happy thoughts courage
Without
Hiding on the stairs
Wishing to be invisible

A simple request
For permission
To sing a song
Not knowing it was not theirs
Quick to bite
But stupid lag
Won't let the explanation through
So blocking its seems
Is the only way
To stop this stupid anger and annoyance

Follow the rabbit hole into a land of red
The white rabbit takes the lead
As you fall down the abyss
Can you see yourself Alice?

Alice
Are you proud of what you've done
Inhaling colourful smoke for fun
Are you happy with what has become?
Are you happy with what you have done?

Tick-tok
***-for-tat
The hatters trail
Stained red
What once was baby blue
Fades into grey
Splattered scarlet

Alice are you satisfied yet?
As Mad hatter hat sits on you head
And cheshire cowers
Too scared to aproach
Alice have you had enough yet?

Piercing echoes
And flying red
Stains what once was sun kissed hair
With a lick of the tongue
Copper taste
The heart becomes her mark

Alice
Are you proud of what you've done
Running wonderland done one by one
As the hooka smoke and mushrooms
Gotten through
Does the caterpillar make a good throne?

How ironic the heart
Is what you hate
Yet its mark marrs you face
Alice, not Alice, queen

I usually hate
putting the word I
when writing
because
I don't like writing for me

but on few occasions
when inspired by music
frustration
and tears
and Melanie Martinez blasting in the back

I don't care
if my heart is too big
My eyes
I have no control over
and I'm tired
of being ridiculed
because of my tears

I show my families lies
and try to make them see
That crybaby
is not longer part of me

but in my room
on some time late in night
the faucet in my eyes from melanies song

can't take anymore.

And so I cry
So what if I'm a crybaby?

we are young
we're not quite old
not quite wise
but still our eyes
ponder away
and contemplate
things said that day.

reflections stare back
or shadows, whatever
sitting in a room
with an illuminated screen

some days, it feels the word is against us
other days, we love life
blame raging teenager hormones

for this ridiculous thoughts.

Just stupid angsty teen thoughts.

Watching from a distant crowd
tears streaming down
lies forced
onto an innocent soul
silenced
by invisible barriers
voice stolen

demons and monsters lurk in the night
words piercing the heart
cackles from the corners of the mind
as repeatedly the lies
are reflected
in the dark atmosphere

pills
therapy
'support groups'

All don't know what help is

My hear his crying in anger
desperately reaching out through a virtual screen
to rip down the lies
and stories etched
in bruises and cuts

for every truth hidden in false words
ever day living in fear
monsters disguised as men
and men treated as monster

fading, fading

bruises are fading

fading, fading

away the lies
fading, fading

who

deserves this?

fading fading

fade into my world

where all lies are faded out

fade into me

and my outstretched arms

words
strings of letters accompanied
by controlled growls
that we have somehow made intelligible

words that want want
to soothe fears and worry  
words that heal
what has been broken
words that lift
burdens of the heart
that heal poisoned scars left
by itself

actions
gestures, good and bad
actions that want to comfort
that want to hold
actions that want
to make you feel secure
actions that stitch and glue
patiently together
what has shattered and broken

words mix with actions
and actions with words
actions against actions
and words against words

a jumble of words and actions
on your behalf
words fighting actions
actions fighting words

all on your behalf

words with actions
actions with worlds

all working

on your behalf

eyes
mouth
lips
smile
not a thing
out of place

hair
laugh
hands
and fingers

feet and toes
right up to your noes

laughs
jeers
pointing and laughing
peers breaking down
the masterpiece

arms reaching
grabbing
wanting to break
beauty

beauty that outranks them
that shines so brightly
shoved behind
tears
and baggy clothes

you are beautiful
from your eyes to your nose
down to your toes

your ears and lips
even your hips

people want to break
what they can't be
but beauty my dear
is what you will forever be

You have feelings
you have emotions
you are not a puppet
you are not a thing
you are not an object
you are loved

you are you're own person
you are love
you aren't dumb
stupid
you're not pathetic

you're not indestructible
you have doubts
hate
sorrow
guilt

you have people
you are not a doll
you don't run on batteries
but on hugs
kisses
kind words
and warmth

you are not cold
you are not a freak
you are you
and
I
will
forever
Love
you.

I hate when you cry
I love when you smile
Stop pinching me
don't you dare give one
what are you doing?
Are you stupid?
Let me sleep ******
no
I hate
I love
Anger
love
what?
I hate everything you do
I love hating what you do
I hate loving this feeling/
I love hating this way
what?
Just breath
no
choke me please
what?
I hate you
I don't need you
I want to love
no I hate
what?

Lines and squiggles
On a blank page
Nothing more but
Swirls and sticks

Vibrations and growls
Produced by the larynx
Nothing but air
Yet sound we can control

Words and words, sounds and sheets
What is words? Is words a thing?
How can words be so small?
Yet can be a last tear
Or the saving grace

Words are words, or are they? Words are what is, what is are words?

Brain shut up
Horomones calm down
Tears of frusteration
Don't you dare fall

Lungs breath
Bodu cool down
This isn't even
The worse of it yet

Tick tok goes the clock
Ticking that will never stop
Tick tok
Goes the hand
Where willl the second arm land
Tick tok goes the clock
Round and round without end
Tick tok goes the clock
When will the ticking stop
Tick tok stops the clock
Ooops, theres no one left

Anger, sadness, hate
Rage at the world
When things don't go your way

Dyed hair and piercings
Multicoloured eyes
How easy it is
To make an enemy of he world

Stop.....

What reason is there behind that rage?
Why have you built in your heart a cage?
Has somehing thought to apply to the depressed
Become the newest fashion craze?

Does teen mean emo?
Goth?
When did the word teen mean self hating poems written in the dark

Teen.....

What does teen really mean
If today it means following the craziest fashion craze
If it means pretending or imagining issues so I can complain like everyone else.

I don't want to be a teen.

I just want to be me

I hate giving pity
It never solved anything
Pity is another word
For looking down upon someone

You do not need pity
Nor do you need to heed
The expactations of society

Though the need to be accepted
Eats away at you
You didn't have to look far

A shadow is what you need
Someone who will be with you
And comfort you
Whenever life gets hard

A shadow shows no pity
Nor will it ever reject someone
A shadow happily follows
And is guarenteed to be there

Although it is hard
To be a perfect shadow
Can this person
In front of you
Be a shadow for you?

The worde expressed are not my own
For never is it me alone
That determines what
Emotions make their way into this blank
canvas that can only hold
So much in simole words alone
Many find it misleading
When my works have an undertone of pleading
Pleading that is not my own
Remember this is never me alone
That jots down thought on a digital page
As I painfully hold back the rage
The rage built at suffering and loss
The pleasure that comes from this cost
My feelings never make their way
Across this blank page for they lay
With those who are not near my home
For a family that does not belong to my own
For sisters that I hold so dear
And for sisters whos cries I hate to hear
Their tear striken faces my fear
For though I want to help I am stuck here
The only comfort I can give
Is across this blank page
Where words must take the place of actions
And bridge the gap between us

The cliches of life
overshadowing
the true strife it takes
to survive in a broken world
balanced on a frail facade
that will crack once man destroys itself

Instead of disguising my undying worry
in Rhymes and complex words that will most likely
have your thought in even more of a flurry
I know the over used cliche"Things will get better"
can only go so far from here
but uncle, I don't want you to know
The fear I hold in the words I know
you have spoken to mother while we were gone
Now I'm rambling on trying to make sense
of my thoughts swirling together
like sewage inside of a street gutter
excruciating pain I can not feel
but uncle, I want to help you heal
uncle please don't make me cry
with thoughts of you looking up to sky
and asking. "heaven,' heaven why?"
whilst writing this I get teary eyed
and as much as I want to shout to sky
and demand, "Why, once again why?"
But I know that our basic human perception
can't understand the vastness of the paths in life
and that even through all the toil and strife
there is hope in front of you
in front of me
and your family
so whenever you all feel teary eyed
know that right beside you I will cry
a card stand by your bedside
flowers blooming from a heart
know that in that small part
my words are reduced to nothing but sound
soaring and bouncing all around
all sense of his poem making sense vanishes
but still I know that the cliche
things will get better  won't help in anyway
and when you turn up your eyes to heaven
and ask, ,"why why me, why now?"
and know that here I sit teary eyed
holding sobs at bay as I write this
poem to you
even if you can't find truth
in these words your niece wrote while picturing your pain
and wondering what are you thinking, thinking you could gain
some peace for the price of your life
and refusing to go through the strife
so as I read this to your daughter
since I don't wish to offend you, I'm sorry if I do
But remember uncle, the tears you shed
I cry to, but my tears are for you.....