Listen to me when I say that we have a choice
There was a time in my life I dreamed of my own bleeding heart
Spurting insignificant blood, just another body on this planet, just another ****** watery existence soaking up Earth’s resources, love from others like a water bottle with no bottom where everything just feels empty at the end of the day, being idle and quiet on the outside with a storm raging on the inside, unable to make sense of everything- so incredibly overwhelmed by the immense pain surrounding me and so incredibly disconnected from the person I used to be- one who truly believed in her own power and the power of those around her.
When I lost my strength and my belief, I lost my understanding that I can make a difference
Who I am today is different than the person I was a year ago, and while that shakes my bones
What keeps me alive is knowing that for every bad thing I have done, there is more good
For every mistake I have made, there are successes
We can’t live our lives focused on our downfalls
Or we will only fall down
We must as Denzel says “fall forward”
I spent too much time allowing thoughts like I didn’t deserve a place on this earth to win over all good thoughts
Triumphed in the battle of wits
All mixed up and twisted in my mind
Chasing momentary happiness and fulfillment, never finding it in smiles and moments of joy because a  heavy cloud was drowning my head with rain....but ive always loved rain
In the chaos of a world filled with turmoil, chaos, injustice, and fear
We live in between each other
Avoiding stares
Avoiding each other
Unless we need something from another
In the margins of each other’s lives
And here, in a country where we have the money and the time and the energy to make a difference
We drain ourselves emotionally down black holes of our own worlds
It’s amazing the way that movements are sparked based on one root idea
It spreads like fire and in so many directions
From one original piece
Like the “all you need is love” and you may say im a dreamer but im not the only one
Dreams are incredible things, if only we use them to create a better tomorrow
Instead of hoplessly helplessly waiting for tomorrow to come to us
We all live so selfishly
And I know this from my own selfish beating heart
But my beating heart tells me that I am here for a purpose so far beyond money, success, and even personal growth

Personal is absolutely important, but until we completely forget ourselves
Sacrifice and surrender ourselves to the issues at hand
That is when and only when we can truly make a difference
When we are determined
To take action today, and know that the seeds we plant will not grow those fruits tomorrow
But that we can imagine farther down the line that the world will be a better place
And knowing that future generations can make a bigger impact after that

I believe we are all system busters
There is so much wrong in the way we work
And constant reminders of the pain, suffering, tyranny, and sadness in the world
And if we turn a blind eye to that and continue to be fogged up by our own sadness and pain
We will become walking zombies
We are all walking zombies
Here for a mission
To make our lives mean so much more than individual relationships, control, and power
We are here to love each other, to stand together, to grow community and laugh in the face of despair
The only way we are ever going to get out of this perpetual darkness is if we awaken in ourselves the most positive, the one who believes in every action making a change
For it is only when we believe we are makng a change that we can
It is only when we lose hope that all hopes of change are lost


And I sometimes think I am insignificant
In the sea of voices echoing each other
We need to hear your story,
we need every voice
We need every single heart
For every movement
And you might feel connected to many movements
But the only way to make those movements stay powerful is if your voice is heard
So we want to hear you
and we need your ears to listen
to take a backseat

I know what it feels like to look around east and west and for miles it feels like no one will listen to your truth
Or you feel like your truth is unimportant
Or you feel like giving up all hope in yourself that you can make that difference
But we are only powerful as we
If we can lose ourselves in each other, if we can give to each other the gift of believing


I have been hanging onto negative words and emotions like they are the only things I really have
Facing my demons every single day
Who tell me that my life is not worth living
That my heart is evil
That my words are empty
That my soul is ingenuine and manipulative
Whispers to me that I do not deserve to be here
Whispers to me that no one really likes me
Tells me my mistakes
And yells at me for waking up

So when I finally get some quiet and peace is when I am asleep, then I live in my dreams
I am relieved of the burden of being human
And those aren’t better places but they are escpaes, because no matter what happens there
I do have to face it once I wake up

and here i am, awake, and open, and trying
to face today
with the hope
and the strength to fight

The unlayering of a soul
Like the drawback of an old beautiful curtain
Dusty and covered in a masquerade of golden tassles
Hiding the depth behind
And when they uncover
Unmask
Choose to perform
My eyes and heart are captivated
By the magic that is in stuttering toungues and loud cackles
Long stories and love poems


I came to tell my story
And my ears were much happier after
Having soaked in the noise of humanity
The sound of souls
A room full of souls


And I have been in those empty rooms before
Those rooms silent and eager for more space
Rooms echoing with soulless disconnection
And these people are not soulless but they do not give themselves up
don't give themselves freedom to be those souls

And I can only relate to people who have that soul
Who have the depth the expanse, the mind, the breadth to express
Their innermost pains, joys
And a room that is soulfull
Accepts
And a drawback of curtains
Assumes no judgement
For why would there be?
What would there be to judge?

I used to cry about feeling like a stranger in my own home
Then feeling guilty for being sorry for myself
And throwing up a pity party when no other life is better than mine
and so many people have it worse in many ways
we know what it feel like to live in a world where you feel you never belong
Then to be faced with a room, heart beating a mile a minute, knowing the curtains will be drawn back and you will have to face the music of your own

I saw a woman today, with a face filled with so much love it was glowing
A love that made me want to love everything
And I know everything isn’t what it seems
But poetry is all about that seem
That perspective
From afar


As my arrow gets pulled far back into depths of deep internal demons
I am now being tossed into the universe
Endlessly
No aim
Fired off into the moving air
I feel like a plastic bag
Im flying by city lights
And city dreams
Hoping for answers hidden in the trees


Sunflowers have been planted
But it will be winter soon
Roots are growing, sprouting little buds of green
Not blooming yet
But there is growth
And strength in the little brown sprouted roots

Heart so cold I don’t feel at home
Walls around me crash on me
And I can’t even smile with my heart

Trying to be happy being alone
Trying to be positive with what I have
Trying to be content with the life I live
Constantly feeling like it’s not mine that I’m living
Like I’m not living up to my best

Every word from her mouth envokes sadness,
and it’s like everything to her is something to worry about
All her voice does is draw out pity
And she’s so used to comfort
And pity
And pain
That I don’t think she knows what happiness tastes like

And I’m on the other end of the line
Wondering why everyone else calls me when they cry
And needs me when they’re upset
I wonder if it’s because I am the same
If I am someone who drains the happiness out of the people I know
***** it out like venom

And I think about the life I have lived so far
And the lives I have really touched
And I feel out of touch

If I feel anything at all


I do feel something, something small
then nothing at all

My stomach feels full
My eyes feel heavy
heart it numb

Surrounded by my past
I wear it on my face all the time
Underneath a forced smile
I pin my cheeks up with something warm
And for moments
I find peace in complete solitude and silence
Noise feels invasive

The ups and downs are almost unbearable

I sit in a room I painted with beautiful words
But I don’t feel beautiful
For moments during the day
I feel recognizable
And then feel like a stranger again

Why did I even come home?

I avoid my mistakes like they are bombs about to explode
And I feel different every day….

Here come the dark clouds again.

I feel the tears starting again. And I don’t even know why anymore.

And finally I share a moment of peace and release. I share this moment with myself only. For only I can ever know my own inner darkness, sadness and emptiness that I felt for so long. And only I can heal myself from the controlling and almost abusive relationship we shared. Together, me myself & I can support and be there for each other. And in this moment I realize I haven’t been alone at all.

A chill in these
broken bones
leaking out
everywhere
leaving only my decimation
in it's wake

Frozen eyes of blue
remember
a spell of liquid
iced rain

The storms
soft death of cold
brings an
understanding of
the darkness

While freezing in these
cold air dreams.