from the residues of childish worries
i listen to my old woes
where was the world headed? what world was i headed into fast?
i knew
the overglamorization of every little thing that we all “needed” more of
would never fill the empty void that the same society drilled into us like holes
...and my fears that if we are society, we are doomed
gratitude and love filled me up for the wood in my floors and a roof over our heads
for my parents, and other blessings
for love,
i knew love is all you/i/we need
..and I knew what love looked like and felt like, what it really meant
little eyes saw a loveless world, little heart tried to fill the gaps wherever I could
little feet in limited too and young eyes saw
words like love, words like peace just sewn on to clothes just to sell more of it
it dawned on me then that this was the world I was traveling at full speed ahead into
like a never-ending deep dark tunnel with advertisements all over the wall
Constantly
Chasing
Racing
Towards
Nothing
(more)
..and they will all tell you they’re selling the latest greatest
hippest, dopest, coolest, chillest, most epic, most* dope, most amazing, most down to earth genuine **** that was manufactured and arranged just for "you."
..and it will have “love” written all over it.
years later,
i stood in Urban Outfitters
holding a shirt covered in "love"
handmade, from India
feeling, for a moment, like that just might be what love is
since we live in such a loveless world these days, and it feels so incredibly empty
most of the time
and disconnected
that the only way to connect might just be through labels and boxes and capturing images
born three months early,
it was speculated that I wanted so badly to be alive
...and I had no idea...
what world
i was coming into
and what a world
i was coming into
...and I don’t remember that sensation,
that overwhelming grounding awareness of the real truth that none of it mattered at all...
if little me met me how sad she would be
how overwhelmed she would be by the poison i let come inside
i try
just like we’re all supposed to do
told to do
to cover it up
mask it
bandaid it
clean it up
heal it however and fast
do it all quickly
get over it
go right back into the cycle of it all
buying
spending
relying on happiness from all these things outside myself
like food
like everything
around me
to somewhere, somehow wake something up inside me
avoiding my own awakening
limbs are all numb and dead inside,
and what a waste of a life i feel like
i feel like a waste of a life now
where did my love go?
longing grows
for spontenuity and excitement
for real love for reality
for spiritual depth
for reminders of how I used to feel
..for now I will sit in my cave,
in the hole I dug to get here
And sit.
And sit.
And sit.
And every day just sit.
And then some days go biking
And feel for a moment that I’m getting better.. then the world darkens and wraps its arms suffocating...
so, then, give up.
Then sit
Then sit.
Then sit.
little hands wave goodbye far away
little eyes look down in disappointment
little feet walk away