and in the end it was the music that
brought them together
because, god, they were always in tune
and they were two mismatched
puzzle pieces trying to find their way in this sea
of endless chords

she could not tell you when
it happened
or even how it happened
all she knew was that the boy with the
angelic voice and the blue eyes
had stolen her heart
(she didn't want it back)

he was the boy with the witty remarks
and the soft dark brown-but-not-yet-black hair
he made her feel
put-together when she was broken
and she hated it
she hated this rushed feeling of love,
of attachment,
and yet she lived because of it

and I want to take it all back--
every laugh, every whisper, every blissful moment,
I want it to be gone like every shred of innocence I ever had that
you had stolen
I want to pretend that you are just another nightmare
and that I have awoken
I want to feel again
to be alive
to be whole
I want to be the girl with the sun kissed, scar free skin
I want to be the person that I used to be before I met you
and it all burned to ashes
I don't want to be another abandoned building that was taken out of order
and I don't want to join the list of victims you had made
I don't want to be yours anymore

I want to take it all back.

there was a storm today, it was full of thunder
and lightning, it reminded me of the way you smoked
cigarettes because even though i shook every time
the lightning struck, i couldn't look away
//
i think i'm supposed to reminisce about
you being gone, i'm supposed to cry and shake
and lose my will for living because you were my
miracle, the one good thing in my life that was
supposed to make me special and now you
are gone but instead i just stare at the
windows covered with rain and wonder if the
sky is crying because the earth orbits the moon
and not the other way around, maybe the earth
is sobbing because it knows that it
is no longer special for it was reminded today that
it is only another planet in orbit
//
it was pouring rain today, it reminded me
of you, hopefully wherever you are it is raining
and you can imagine the earth shaking and the
clouds sobbing so that you can see what you've done
to me and shake your head and try to come up with
another excuse
(h.l.)

i like the feel of your hand in my and chipped
nail polish because you always make fun of me for
it and the way you smile at me then, like
you're trying so hard not to laugh
fills me with a kind of eternal happiness that
i crave and maybe that's why i like writing
your name on my hand because it reminds
me of sumshowers and accidental kisses-
it reminds me of hide and seek in the rain and bear hugs
and the ever changing color of your braces,
it reminds me of central park and late night
conversations and coffee and indigo and music and
snowball fights and wildflowers and--
you
writing your name on my hand makes me happy
because it reminds me of all the memories
i have with you and it wills me to make even more
until then though, i'll just keep writing your name on my hand
(h.l.)

first;* there is a pause, there is the questioning
in you heart of if this is real or if it's a mirage
if this is your eyes deceiving you or if it is actually real,
the possibility that this could be real wills you
to move, it wills you to continue and then
there is the embrace, the bear hug and the reassurance
that yes this is real  this is real *this is real and everything
feels like it is moving in fast forward and no you are
not ready to let go you cannot  let go you can't let go
why can't you let go you moved on
you made new friends you've loved new lovers you've gone
a year without these people and yet it feels like it hasn't been
a week because soon you are surrounded by the same laughter,
the same sarcastic jokes that make you feel at home; first
is happiness and disbelief and ecstasy and surreal awkwardness
and catching up on life
//
next; next is judgement, next is meeting the people that
you didn't really miss and having to stand there
as their shaming eyes take you apart piece by piece and
analyze every flaw you've always had and the
ones that you've gained, next is hi I kinda missed you and
wow I'm not trying to be rude or anything but how long
have you been gone? next is boasting and whispered jokes
that you know are about you next is how is it like
being the first dropout next is jokes that are disguised because
they are really insults next is meeting the new girl and
finding out that she likes the same baseball team
you do and she's smarter and they like her and they've
never really liked you and you don't really care because
they're ******* but you actually do and you say goodbye
and walk away biting the inside of your cheek and willing
yourself not to break down next is reliving all the good
times and the bad times and next is internal panic attacks
and fake smiling next is pretending this never happened next
is wishing that you could go back in time and make things
better but knowing that even if you went back
it still wouldn't be better
//
finally; finally is distractedly talking to your friends as
if your insides weren't crawling finally is walking around
as if your heart wasn't shattering with each step you've made
finally is the sound of their voices echoing in your head and
finally is dropout finally is failure finally is you can't
avoid it an longer because it's time that you face the facts' finally
is not eating dinner because your appetite has
been stolen by an insect called insecurity finally is opening your
binder and going through all that you could've done
finally is going to sleep early because you have a headache
finally is trying to explain to your best friend why you
left without saying goodbye finally is knowing that you have to,
that everyone else and it's time to say goodbye too
finally is wanting to freeze everything and
not move forward because the future is a road filled with
surprise and you hate surprises and finally is going to sleep
with tear stains on your pillow, finally is waking up and
not wanting to move and only to sit in silence finally is the
ear shattering sound of your music because you cannot
stand silence finally is that study playlist you can no longer
listen to without having trouble breathing finally is that last letter
that you have lost in a binder somewhere but it
doesn't matter because you have memorized the words
finally is running and never wanting to give up and hoping
that you can run until you turn into the shadow that you are
already becoming finally is not wanting to become a shadow
finally is fighting back against all the odds
finally is becoming content finally is being happy
and finally is a fidget it is that jumpy leg that you have
that won't stop moving because of nervousness
because finally you have accepted that you are not
apart of them and they are slowly not being apart
of you either finally is making new friends and
loving new lovers finally is moving on and
never forgetting but also never reminiscing

(h.l.)

one, i cannot breathe. my lungs are inhaling and exhaling but i am not breathing. your name still echoes inside my chest like a balloon that is slowly losing air and i cannot breathe.

two, her name is a red solo cup and a midnight conversation. she is a dare that your friends jokingly made and with the buzz of alcohol in your chest, you said yes

[three, they told me at your funeral that it was only a joke, this wasn't meant to happen, guilt was on their faces and the sky was an odd color of both death and sadness, i cannot decide what is worse; the feeling of the rough thorns that poke my legs or the silent promise you made me that will never be fulfilled]

four, the taste of white wine reminds me of your pale skin and the glass that touches my hips when i inevitable drop the bottle does not feel like anything, i am not numb; i can still taste the heaviness of 2:35 am wine without you on my lips but i am not sad either, it is more like an unleashed phantom that haunts my mind when i try to sleep at night

five, the police came over to my house last week, they asked me if i had anything to do with your lover; i cannot remember the words that i told them all i know is the sound of the heavy door being closed and the bitter taste of sour strawberries that come when i keep biting my cheeks to stop from crying, i've been crying too much lately and i'm sick of it.

six, i tried to visit her yesterday. i tried to bring myself to get lost in the feeling of her smoke that clouded my mind and i tried to understand why you did this. why you loved her more than you loved me, why her dizzying scent was more of a safe haven than my all consuming love for you.

seven, i visited your dealer today, i asked him if you had told him anything about why you were so sad but he didn't say anything, or at least i don't remember it. all i remember is the ringing in my ears when i walked home that night and the traffic lights of new york city. i was alive today, in a way i never have been, i couldn't breathe but i didn't need to.

eight, tomorrow i will clean out the rest of your things in our closet and i will visit our old coffee shop and try not to focus on how i am not breathing without you anymore, because unconsciously i know i always will; that was always the difference between you and i, you smoked to get lost but i kept on drowning because i was already found

(h.l.)

i really hate you i do i know i do because
every time i hear your name my blood boils and
there is a scream begging to be released stuck in
my throat and ******* if you look at me one last time
i'm not sure what i'll do because no,
you do not have the right to play with my emotions
you do not have the right to tell me you love me and
then leave you do not have the right
to

make

me

fall

in

love

with

you
no, no, no

you do not have the right to only talk to me when you
feel like it or when you feel insecure because honey, i can
love you in all those times, but you do not have the right to
tell me that you love me too

especially if you don't

iM sOrrY bUt I cAnNot find a way to breathe because you're
back and I'm not there and you're smiling and I'm crying
and you're laughing and I'm drowning my thoughts into a pen
without enough ink to put all my ideas onto paper and
i aM cHokIng oN yOuR sMile and how happy you look
I used to make you smile I remember when we were never
like that I remember when I never took you breath away
not like you did to me I remember crying early into the morning
because you aren't by my side I remember suFfOcAting
I remember hOw you never cared about me I remember loving
you so much that it would shock me and now you are back
and you never told me because you don't care and you
never did and ******* because I cared. I would've been
there despite what happened I would've hugged you
I would have stayed I wouldn't have run away I am not her
and I never will be but you don't care about that or me
I am nothing but a last priority you only talk to me because
you pity me and stupid stupid me for believing you when
you said I love you back I should have known that
nothing lasts forever, but God I honestly thought we would

(h.l.)

you called me last night, you were crying and drunk
and you said that you regretted everything, that you
were ever so sorry, and i almost let myself slip for a
moment, i almost said it was okay, that i forgave you
but i kept my guard up and just forced myself to go to sleep
until you called me again later that night,
by then i couldn't help it, i told you i loved you back
and you just hung up the phone

(h.l.)

sometimes when i see wildflowers
i am reminded of the way you said my name
and smiled in the summer:
back when you thought i was worth it
those days are obviously long gone
you have a new girl to toy with;
one with longer legs
and a bigger smile
(though if you ask me, i think it looks too happy.)
//
i don't know why but every time i think of you
i don't think of your eyes
or your smile; instead i think of your name,
of how easily it used to roll off my tongue
or how many times i would mindlessly write it on my notebook
i've always loved your name,
it's two syllables; six letters and
god, even though i've called you everything but (idiot,
*****, imbecile, mortal enemy,)
i've always loved your name--
it reminded me of sun-showers, snowflakes,
and discreet winks (all things i loved at the time)
//
on the last day we say each other
you smiled and hugged me;
the night was cold and everyone else was freezing
but my heart was pounding much too hard for
me to be anything but warm
//
i could still see it actually,
if i close my eyes and think for a long time
i could see your arms around mine
and my head on your chest, it was perfect
you should've let go by then but you didn't and even
though my heart was racing all i wanted was for
you to let go, let go, let go
let go of me; but you didn't. we just stood there--
almost frozen with the fear of falling apart without each other
it was the last time i remember being happy
//
sometimes when i see wildflowers
i am reminded of the way you said my name
and smiled in the summer; back when you thought i was worth it
and even though i lie and tell everyone that you
were just a stupid fling, i still make wishes on those
wildflowers--
that i could wake up tomorrow
with your arms around me like they were
on the last day

i
have
not
formed
a
coherent
thought
since
i
met
you

he is not heaven. he is not a deep breath of fresh air after being
trapped inside for so long he is suffocation. when his saturated fingers
touch me I am filled with a never ending fire that keeps me
awake until two a.m. and makes me question everything I've
ever believed. he likes to swear up and down on the metal cross
around his neck and pretend he is God when he looks at me.
his kisses are never filled with love they are filled with narcotics
and taste like a bittersweet kind of hatred. he smokes quietly and
slowly inhaling every toxic fume and making clouds
big enough to convince you that they are skies. everything about him
screams shades of cool he is blue he is black his smile is gold
his eyes are grey and he is the color spectrum at its darkest.
he speaks quietly and laughs loudly and cries silently when
he thinks nobody can hear him. I wake up every morning to the
sound of tiny bullets of water scorching his back but he
likes the burn so I do not say a thing. he loves the way I sing
and teases me endlessly and whispers ****** things when
our friends are around because he is an exhibitionist.
I do not know what this is. I do not know who he is.
but at the same time I do not know who I am either,
we are cataclysmic together and wreak havoc wherever we go
but there is something so beautiful about what a disaster
we are together that i do not want to say goodbye.
he is the lover I never have to worry about loving back
and that if nothing else matters

(h.l.)

11.25.15

first you will cry. you will feel every emotion that you've ever felt being washed
down the drain and you will taste the sour, bittersweet heaviness of sobbing at 4:35 a.m. on your lips and you will scream so quietly it will be a whisper to others
but a clap of thunder inside of you and your lungs will stop working and your
ribs will feel as if they were collapsing and you will not be able to walk the next
day because you will feel as heavy as a truck full of rocks

next you will be silent. you won't speak you won't nod your head you won't smile
you won't write you won't move; you will suddenly be able to feel your bones and your stomach caving inwards inside of you and your skeleton will become so thick with the secret carvings in your skin that it will
be a labyrinth that even you will not dare to explore and the world will continue
to spin, everything will go on and you will just stay numb to keep yourself
from falling apart

then you will hate him. you will curse every single being that pushed you to talk to him you will rant about what a terrible person he was and how ****** up your love was in the first place and that it hadn't meant anything and you will say he was just another burning star in the sky you will say his light has started to fade you will say he never cared about anything you will say it doesn't matter and you will yell until your voice is raw and your throat is hurting and you will go to sleep silently wishing that the tears on your cheeks would stop pouring and you will feel an inner self loathing at the core of your chest for being so stupid, for caring about him in the first place, for being pathetic enough to keep all of his things neatly in a box at the corner of your closet because you cannot bear to throw any of it away

then he will call you.

he will make you question every single thought you've ever had, every single moral you had created for yourself and he will tear down your walls with an ax made out of love and nostalgia and he will say he still loves you and he will say that leaving was a mistake and he will make you remember the memories you had blocked out he will give you a new phone number and you will attempt to talk to him but it won't feel the same and all your old conversations have been deleted all your photos are no longer on your wall and you will realize that you are in love with the memories you had together, not who he actually is and you will still cry at night sometimes and you will still be overwrought with anxiety and helplessness and your heart will become a boat sailing on rocky waters but you will be okay.

the word finally will come on a cold tuesday morning and you will be rushing to get to school because you overslept and you will search desperately for your red sweater but you will not find it and you will mutter every curse word you know and pray that your mother doesn't hear you and you will stumble across his sweatshirt and you will throw it on lazily and run to school and you will forget all about it until somebody asks if you like that band and you will smile confusedly and say that you haven't listened to them in a while and you will go home and he will not call you and you will not care because the word finally is branded on your chest and it means that you have moved on. it means that your lungs still work and your ribs are in the right place and you will go to sleep that night with the taste of happiness on the tip of your tongue and it will not matter that he was toxic, it will not matter that all the flowers you grew together have died, in that moment you will feel better than you have in months and you will realize that you are okay, your boat will not sink the storm is over the aftermath has passed and you will be okay.

(h.l.)