The girl in school
Who I think on
            often
    I write her poems
                 hardback textbook
        In between paragraphs
                     I lick my finger
turning the page
If I could only tell you
How the secret pencil marks I leave
                   Make me want to scream
She smells so boss
           Like grape bubblegum
                  
I Wrote her tonight
              Slipped the folded note   into her  pocket
        
My heart skips
         As she sits in Economics
Paper cut red
When she found and read
                   The wide rule page

In dying trees I see rebirth
In a loser I see one who can finish first
In places I've never been
I see places I can get to know
Unknown chapters
Is where my optimism wants to go.

Is it too much
To appreciate the unappreciated
To hold the un-held
To replace pain with love  
And succeed with all cards dealt

I hold dear,
to things too small to see
I believe,
in things too strange to conceive

I place my hands around wounds to heal,
I simply feel for those who cannot feel.

I undergo the struggles within every soul
If only it lead them to their biggest goal

I make the rules to use this plan
I just might be an Optimistic Man

I'm more sassy than sweet
My green sweater hanging from limbs
I come across as more of a party girl
"Sweet. Sweet." Think sweet
My acting on camera teacher tells me
Moon tattoo my neck
"Its the eyes!"
A classmate of mine offers
"I think its in the lips"
Sometimes I wish I could carefully peel off
Pieces of my face
Like I was Mr. Potato head
Start all over again.


I can hear you coughing in the kitchen
In the darkness of my room
Admitting I miss you
But I stay cocooned in my den
Its so weird that you come here now
But not for me.

I'm sure you must look around this house
And see the white table
The kitchen counter in front of the coffee maker
The places we so secretly and boldly
Made love in
So forbidden
It all seemed.

I thought I knew winter
But I didn't know ****
I feel as though I were entirely composed
Of Alaska
Every time I walk outside.

Boys, men
They really only irritate me now
I roll my eyes at text messages
That only appear at the most inconvenient times
I bet you think I'm not here
Maybe I'm sort of not
I can hear you walking past my door
I bet you just cracked open a beer
A few days ago we wished we could have just
Carried our relationship
Everywhere safe and solemn
In our bed.

But we couldn't
And I wouldn't
And though I have moments of missing
The safety of you knowing me
I do have to snap fingers in my face
And remember that I am still very much
In such a new place
None of you really know me

I'm not just full of sass
I couldn't stop laughing and saying how interesting
That feed back was
Because it took me a long time to become this woman
This strong, powerful
Can peacefully fall asleep with my ex-boyfriend in my living room
Woman.
Can sit in meetings and feel like I dance in fire
Or bravely kiss and whistle
At what I was scared of before.
So **** the idea of a party girl attitude
And this moon tattoo on my back
Means more than I could ever relay into words
Industrial copy is really a difficult form
That I'm trying to master
Because I desperately need money
But I direct, I write, I edit
And I can transform into whatever I need to be
Still finding myself
Forming my roots
Ignoring what I could or couldn't do
I'm still so ******* new.

I'm doing what I know I must do.