my first crush committed suicide.
i remember the hurt at a young age
from chasing him around his living room
begging him for a kiss.
from my young age i knew i wanted him
in my life forever.
through his weaves and gagging
running around the furniture and up the stairs,
losing him sounded foreign then
and having lost him now, still feels the same.
our fathers drank and our mothers giggled
born three months apart
our future planned together
both saying "i do"
uniting us all together.
life flew on by
us both fighting with ourselves
and downing the bottles underneath the bed
loaded and silenced
family portraits painted in red
long life memories all put to rest.
only one made it out alive
but it's hard to breathe
out of us how was it me
and you in a little box
where a diamond ring should be.
my mind keeps wondering
when will i stop chasing you
then my heart replays
every time you turned a corner
you looked over your shoulder
and how you smiled at me.

The funny things about complex minds is that others will never understand them because
they don't even
                                understand
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                                                               m
                                                               ­ s
                                                              ­   e
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     ­                                                                 ­         v
                    
                                 e
          
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                                                         .

I need you to see the pain I am in
I need you to acknowledge the fears I have
I need you to help me
You don’t have to do anything drastic
I just need support
Or maybe comfort when I’m sad
You never do that for me
But then again,
I’m good at hiding any emotion
I just NEED you to see what you have caused
I am afraid to open up to you
You have always hurt me when I have done so
But I need you to not hurt me this time
I need you to see the pain that I carry
The fear I know
The hopelessness in my eyes
The self hatred I look at myself with
The depression I have fallen into
The little cracks I have in my soul
The fact I’m so close to falling apart
I just need you to see all the little things
And maybe piece it together.
If you do that simple thing
You would be helping me in ways no one ever could
If you could see any of these things,
I would be happy for once

I feel numb
People say they can help,
But they can’t
This feeling
I don’t know how to describe.
I hate
And I love it
It makes me feel free
It makes me feel nothing at all
I need a way to feel again.
I wonder how that can be done.
Cutting?
Burning?
Hitting?
Alcohol?
Drugs, maybe?
I just know that anyone of these would make me feel.
I need that
Even if I know that it’s wrong
I need to FEEL.
I need to feel my pain
My anger
My sorrow
My happiness
If i even have one.
I don’t care what I have to do to feel again.
I will do it.
People say that I shouldn’t do this.
I don’t care.

Even if I don’t acknowledge it,
It’s always there,
Waiting…
The need burns within,
My demons are screaming for me it
My mind is craving it.
The feel of a blade on my skin
The sting of cutting myself open,
The rush I feel when I see the ruby red blood
I NEED to feel all these things
Even if I don’t know I need it,
They keep telling me.
Cut.
They chant.
Spill your blood,
You deserve it for not being enough,
I’ve become addicted to the feeling
The feeling of something other than
Self-hated
Anger or
Sadness
I could finally feel somethings else,
Pain.
I could physically feel my demons dripping out of me
I could feel the relief of my emotions
I could feel free,
Even if it's just for a moment,
It helps
Cutting helps me accomplish this
I am always weighed down by my problems,
I’ve finally found a way to…
Just let go for a moment

Whenever I say something you ignore me
Whenever I do something you hurt me
Whenever I think something you yell at me
I have had enough
If you don’t like how I am then leave
I do things how I want
If you don’t approve
I don’t care
I do what I want
You say that you care
But actions speak louder than words
You of all people should know that
Your the one that drilled it in me
So quit yelling
Quit hitting
Quit hurting me
Even if you don’t see,
I need you to know
How much you hurt me
Every time you yell
Hit
Hurt
I just can’t take anymore
I’m sorry
But it’s true
Whenever you yell,
I flinch
Whenever you ignore me
My spirit deflates
Whenever you hit
I take it
But it HURTS that you would hurt me
And I don’t know what to do now

What I need is someone to care,
Someone to notice,
Someone to help.
I just need you to see.
Maybe you could help me.
I don't know.
I just need you to see.
Not the whole picture,
Just what was in front of you all this time.
I try for your attention
But you never notice.
You don’t know how much that hurts.
I could die and you wouldn’t notice for days.
I just need you to notice.
Notice the scars
The pain in my eyes
The loneliness emanating from me.
I just need some help,
So this is my cry for help.
I need you to see.

Pain
It’s all I know
It’s all I see
It’s all I hear
It’s all I feel
When will it stop?
It is slowly tearing me apart
The physical pain of my injuries
The mental pain of knowing I wasn’t wanted
The emotional pain of my demons
It just needs to stop.
I can’t stand it anymore
It’s there
Always
Subconsciously
I don’t know how to make it stop
It’s starting to get too much.
The pain of being abandoned
Ignored
Abused
Emotional and mentally
I just don’t know how to end it all.
My existence revolves around pain
I don’t know how to just turn it off
The pain of being unwanted
A shadow
Pushed around
It HURTS
I don’t know what to do anymore
Maybe I will just end it all
Or resort to harming myself
I just need to do something to end it
Or at least leases this feeling
The only thing I know is pain
I guess I’ll just have to live with it

I don’t know you anymore
You have changed
And not for the better
You’re abusive
You’re cutting
You use drugs and alcohol as a remedy
What happened to make you like this?
What made a wonderful person turn into this?
I miss the old you
You were kind
Sweet
Funny
caring
I don’t care how cliche that sounds
It’s true
And I miss it
I miss YOU
Not this artificial cover up
I NEED the old you
You were my confidant
You were my rock
You helped me through the hardest things
Was I too much for you?
Did I make you like this?
I’m sorry.
I just miss you

I can taste it,
The bile in my throat.
The taste of a meal wasted.
I can see the remnants of what was once a calorie filled dinner
I don’t want to be like this,
But I have to.
I need to be pretty
I need to be skinny
I need to be…
Not me.
I’ve lost weight in the past months
I’ve gotten skinnier,
At the expense of my energy,
I’ve gotten prettier,
At the expense of my health
I’ve gotten better,
At the expense of my sanity
The sound myself gagging,
Is the proof that I’m getting better
The image of my ribs
Is the proof that I’m improving
The thigh gap I have
Is the proof I’m good enough
I just need to be…
Skinnier,
Slimmer,
Better.