I am not roses and champagne
Or birds on a sunshiney morning
I am not high heels and pretty dresses and bright colors
I am not the girl with a positive comeback to every little thing in life
I am not the person who you can look at in the early morning hours and find sleeping like an angel in your arms as you caress my cheek in the early sunlight

I am strong and independent
I am determined
I may not be champagne and rose
But I am steel and whiskey
I am as strong as steel and can take some of the strongest heat
I am whiskey because you'll remember my exact tones and hints even after I am long gone
I am the woman with an optimistic yet realistic comeback for things that happen in your life
I am vans and leggings because, ****, I have places to go a hell of a lot faster than heels can take me
I am most likely stealing the covers at night and if you wake me up before 8am you will get the worst version of myself
I am muted earth tones with hints of sunflower yellows
I am steel
I am not roses and champagne or a bird chirping on a Sunday morning.

Denial
I don't want them to be right
The people who said you would
Hurt
Belittle
Disgrace
My existence
They were right
Every part of my stubborn being won’t let them be
But why is it
That I love you
So.

Thank you to you
For doing what you could for me.
Thank you for teaching me that love isn’t something fake, that it’s attainable.
That it’s something that can naturally happen and come from nothingness
That one can love and be loved but that there is always a consequence around the corner
Thank you for showing me that I’m capable of being an object of affection not an object of objectification.
I have the ability of being touched and it meaning something with every smooth move and gentle kiss I can be someone’s something and that it’s not an impossibility.
Thank you, for you.
For showing me that all the colors of the rainbow can be seen even on the cloudiest of days in a person.
Not in the gray painted skies after a storm within cascading cumulonimbus clouds
Thank you for leaving me.
Thank you for showing me that I am strong and can come from hell and back
That I can pick myself up off the ground even when my rainbow turns upside down and grayscale against the bright blue sky
Thank you for giving me the chance to rise up from underneath the crust of the earth to blossom into the flower of a person I always knew I could be. Petals perfectly placed facing the sun soaking up her essence and basking in her warmth
Thank you to you.
For showing me that love ******* hurts and that sometimes you have to hit the lowest low in a bottle or **** to feel something and come back from that to be the person you always hoped you could be.
To be the person who can come from nothing.
Thank you for making me an addict.
You were my drug of choice, then I found others to fill that hole in which I wish you were.
Other oddities in things that which you inhale and exhale and find yourself falling in too deep shot after shot and solo cup after solo cup, but even after the night is over I stumble back finding myself... solo.
Thank you for leaving.
And letting me discover all of the things that can happen when the one thing you care about dissipates in midair.
My time with you taught me that I need no one.
That I can pull myself up.
That I am my own shining glittering rainbow on the cloudiest of days and that I don’t need YOU.
That I can blossom from the crust up and find my own happiness and salvation in the things I care about.
And be okay being solo.
Thank you to you.
For doing all these things for me you unknowingly did.