Here I am again
trying to make you think
that i am fine
and well I am.
Except for one little thing...
I haven't touched another persons skin
in weeks.
And yes, I feel lonely
even though that loneliness might be more of a skin hunger.
You have no Idea how much I long
for a gentle embrace.
In fact I don't even know it myself.
The feeling is trapped deep inside of me
and I can only feel it
when my walls are crumbeling to pieces
and i am left naked in the dark.
But this feeling has been haunting me for years.
A strange obsession with vulnerability,
I just want to be held and cared for.
I want to be able to show you my naked soul
and I hope you will see the beauty in it.
I hope you will caress me
and soothe the deep longing in my heart.
But I can't even talk about that part of me,
it feels way to vulnerable
so poetry is the only way
to give it a voice.

I need touch
but not of any kind.
I need the gentle one
filled with tenderness and love.
It is so hard to tell
for it means admitting
the ache in my chest
clenching tight.
I need to let myself feel it.
I don't want to get numb,
not again.

I feel so vulnerable.
Fragile.
Like porcellain.
Lying still in silence,
calmly crying tears.
They carry my hurt,
my loneliness.
At the same time
they carry the knowledge
that I am indeed
loved.

I am scared,
scared that by telling this
you are going to let me
slip.
A fragile child
shattering on the ground.
Rejected once again,
old scars reopening.
It's too much to bear.
It just hurts so much.
Rejected,
lonely once more.

So if i reach out for you
please don't freak out,
I'm not in love
nor am I a stalker
but a part of me is hurting
and i want it to heal.

I need touch,
a tender caress,
the warmth of skin
so comforting.
Please hold me close,
don't let go.
I feel so exposed,
nothing left to hide behind.

Please don't turn away,
I'm standing here,
so insecure,
soul stripped of all armor.

And I'm scared.

I wish it was easy,
reaching out,
but it's a struggle.
Every day
so lonely,
isolated.
I don't know what to do.

But I have to keep trying
even though I know
I will find myself here again.
Neverending isolation.
Is it me?

Day after day
unimportant chatter.
Smartphones in my way,
fear in my heart.

The armor comes off
ever so slowly.
Painful insecurity.
Fear of being left behind
without defense.

Though all I wish for
is to lie in your arms
and for you to lie in mine
completely bare,
all our vulnerability
on display.
We hold on to each other
fearing the moment we'll break apart,
but trusting it will never come.

I know we're on the way there,
though I have to confess
sometimes I still find myself
feeling isolated and lonely,
like now.

I'm trying to deal with it
but it hurts so bad.
Still I want you to know
it's not your fault,
you couldn't be more wonderful.
Maybe something is broken inside,
maybe it's just me.

Sometimes I just long for an embrace.
I crave a hand caressing my face.
Sometimes I wish
someone would tell me
I'm beautiful,
I'm intriguing.
It makes me feel so fragile,
but I don't want to be seen as fragile,
it hurts when people see me that way,
for its not all that I am.
I want to be strong in my fragility,
I want to be seen for who I really am.

But i promise to not shut myself off
no matter how hard it may be.
I will try to keep reaching out.
I know it will be painful sometimes,
sometimes i'll still feel isolated,
sometimes i'll feel misunderstood,
but i'll keep trying,
for you,
and most importantly myself.