Tonight,
I am manic.

A vast new world,
A different taste
From my dysphoria
From my fears
From my anguish.

I am hyper,
Hyper-active,
Hyper sensitive.

I twirl and flounce
All around
All around you.

I can be brighter
Than the sunset
And lighter
Than the stars,

But this isn't that.

This is random giggles
Taking my medication late
And cooking too much
Talking too much
Thinking too fast and too much
All at once.

This is reckless behavior,
Heightened *** drive,
But it's a back-and-forth,
Because my *** drive doesn't function
Without you.
It's a to-and-fro because you keep me in check,
You keep me at more of a balance
Than I had been.

But the mania
Still poisons
My mind.

You all always need someone
To blame.
So cut me open
And observe my flaws
Again.

Pick the one
That loosely suits your
Fancy.
All this waiting for the other shoe to drop
Is making me
Antsy.

Light up
The fire,
And toss me inside,
Because I'm just getting
So tired.

But I have these visions,
I have these dreams,
Where everything is okay
And I just don't know
What they mean?

Gather in a circle
And cast your stones,
But know that each sin you accuse
Is your own.

Close
Your
Eyes

Think.
Dream.
Disappear.

If you are the sunlight,
Then I am the grey.
If I am the nighttime,
Then you are the day.

There are
Parts of
This world
Where you
Can't be found.

There are
Parts of
This world
Where you
Are found.

There are
Things
Deeper
And darker
Than I,
So maybe
I am not
So bad.

There are things
Deeper
And darker
Than you,
Than what you've
Been through,
So maybe
We aren't
So bad.

If you can find
Light in my
Sunset eyes
Then I can find warmth
In the fire within yours.

Close
Your
Eyes.

Think.
Dream.
Appear.

*If you are the sunlight,
Then I am the grey.
If I am the nighttime,
Then you are the day.

I’m from Poughkeepsie
I’m from a family of a mother, a step-dad, a step-brother, and a younger brother
I’m from a big white house with a porch  and a garden
But I’m not from happiness.

I’m from sadness
I’m from anger
I’m from disappointment
And I’m from fear.

I’m from going to school with hand prints on my face and bruises on my body
I’m from oppression
I’m from thinking it was okay.

Later I’m from stress
I’m from anxiety of messing up even slightly
I’m from **** and other ****** abuse
I’m from hiding and staying quiet
I’m from depression and crying myself to sleep
I’m from self-harm and attempted suicide
I’m from self-hatred and disgust

Thank god I’m not there anymore.

Today I’m from a new beginning
I’m from recovery
I’m from a higher self-esteem and contentment
I’m from actually being okay
I’m from being me
I refuse to ever go back.

Never regret
A thing
Because at one point
It was exactly what
You wanted.

But how could I want it
If I wasn't there to
Ask for it?

And I hope
I pray
That you may
See me
As something good
Something whole
Something worthwhile.

But I have wounds and scars
And broken parts
But if you see me
Maybe I can be a better me.

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Bleeding out the wound
Only makes the infection worse.
No one ever asks
"Why are you bleeding?"
They only ever demand that you apologize
For bleeding on their shirt.

Forget me
Just let me
Cry it out.

Forget me
Just let me
Cry it out.

The scars
On my hands and wrists
Are years old
And I've done nothing
To rid myself
Of them.

They're proof that I
Survived
Myself,
My greatest adversary.
My only antagonist
Is currently just me.
I'm my own worst
Enemy.

Forget me
Just let me
Bleed it out

Forget me
Just let me
Bleed it out

Crying it out only ever
Makes the problem worse.
No one ever asks "Why are you crying?"
They only ever demand
That you stop.

The first time I fell in love
Would forever be the last.
I fell in love with the way you smile,
And the way your eyes seek mine,
In the light
In the dark
In the shroud of your colors,
All dark and grey from anger and hurt.

The first time I fell in love
Would forever be the last.
I fell in love with the way you laugh,
And the way my hand feels in yours.
The way your voice sounds when I'm afraid,
The way your voice sounds when I'm not.

I fell in love with the way you hold me,
And the not-quite-linear way you have of thinking.
I fell in love with the warmth of the fire in your
Ice cold eyes.

I fell for seafoam blues and greens, spirals of sunset reds and oranges.

I fell for a Bluebird of peace,
Who gave me peace
Before he found his.

But what they don't tell you about love
Is that it hurts.
It hurts and it aches,
The way I feel when you're here
But so far.
And it hurts
When I disappear
So far away
From you,
When I fall through your fingers
Like grains of too-soft sand.

The first time I fell in love
Would forever be the last.
I fell in love with you.
With the way you don't make it feel
Like the love I'm familiar with.
The type that is driven by control,
Possessiveness,  and stockholm syndrome.

I fell in love with the way you
Are you
And nobody else.

The first time I fell in love
Would forever be the last.
I fell in love with the way you smile,

The thing about being a poet,
Is that I drink so my thoughts become whole,
Not fruitless worries
And anxious ramblings.

The thing about being a poet,
Is that I find beauty in the most gruesome
Of circumstance.

The thing about being a poet,
Is that I'm most likely unstable,
And my emotions are extremely unsound.

I have an addiction to feeling, to rmotion, the way other artists are addicted to drugs, or alcohol,  or ***.

I crave love and I crave honesty. Admiration and trust. Loyalty and stimulation.  Dedication and, of course, the aching pain that reminds me I am alive.

I need to know I am alive.

So, the thing about being a poet,
Is that I write
So I may
Live.

You picked
A blue bloodstone
When you were younger.
You didn't know what it was,
You probably still don't.

You gave it to me
Along with a dyed blue agate.

It's funny,
Don't you think?

Bloodstone was worn by warriors
Into battle
Because they were of the school of thought
That it would aid in healing wounds more rapidly,
And that it would heal the mind as well.

So I wear it in a spiral cage
On a chain around my neck,
Hoping to hone that healing light-energy,
So that I may heal and be healed in turn.

Blue Goldstone
Is what I'm giving to you.
It provides protection against any type of harm,
And it will light your path from all things frightening.

People of Norse, Irish, and Germanic decent
Used to give it to their children
Who feared the dark.

Please,
Take the crystallized galaxy
Within it's spiral cage,
And come home to me,
Safe and sound.