the memory is foggy, but it’s there
I used to think I had dreamt it;
his hands on my shaking body, his breath that smelled of alcohol
the images were so distant that they almost felt unreal

my therapist used to ask me if I was sure it really happened
and to be fair, I wasn’t
but why would a ten year old imagine something so twisted?
and why would the thought of my own dreams make my stomach sick?

I spent years wondering what really happened
and I finally know it was real
because whenever I replay the events I remember
I am back
I can feel the cold air on my skin and the tenseness in my muscles
his voice telling me to come closer
his hands on my shaking body, his breath that smells of alcohol
my dreams have never made me feel this way

You'll come home tomorrow.
You'll come home tomorrow,
But really,
For how long?
I need to wrap my head around
How temporary
My hand in yours
Is.

The very least
I can do
Is send you
On your way
To the next big
Adventure
Of your life
With a piece of me.

It's just as well
That this piece of me
Will protect you
Wherever you may go.

I just have
To make my own kind of peace
With that.

And while it hurts
To be so far
It doesn't really matter,
Now does it?

Please do not ask
If I will be okay.
I do not have any other choice.

I have an accidentally permanent kind of love,
For a purposefully temporary kind of person.

You tell me
That despite the stress
Despite the annoyance
Despite what it would do
To a normal person
I am worth it.

That we will live
A long,
Happy life
Together.

And while I'm afraid to believe you
I'm also afraid not to.

For a moment,
It sounded like you were saying
No one could possibly love me
Besides you.

But after some thought,
I realize you were saying
Loving me is a great task
And I am worth
The uphill battle.
That you are up
To the challenge of caring for and understanding
Someone like me.

And maybe I'll never be
Entirely okay.

Somedays it's going to be too much.
For you and me.

Somedays I'll break and i'll shatter
And collapse into a puddle of tears
Because I live inside my head.

And I wouldn't blame you for leaving,
Somedays, I'd leave me too.

But you say you're not.
And despite winter and it's cold winds
And frozen air
And suffocation of my will to be content
I will continue forward.
I will believe you.
I will not doubt you.

But you must understand.
Somedays
I will be touchy and scared and in pain
Because of the chemicals in my brain
And because of the past and all the scars I've gained.

But as long as you can still love me,
At the end of those days,
We'll be okay.

This is the year
Of being alright.

We'll be okay,
We'll be just fine.
We'll figure it out.

This is the year,
This is it,
This is the year
Of being alright.

We'll be okay,
We'll be just fine.
We'll figure it out.

We'll paint the sky
With new color,
And we'll sing the birds
New songs.

We'll be okay.
We'll be okay.
We have to be okay.

The year of: Realizing Things
Is over.
Within this year
We have realized everything from
Senses of self
To who we could be
To who others are.

I, personally,
Have realized that
I am worthy of the love
I keep trying to give
Everyone else.

I am worthy of love letters
And late night confessions
And tears
And laughter
And flowers.

I am worthy of honesty
And transparency
Of feelings.

I have yet to receive most of that,
But i am worth it.

The year of
Realizing things is over.

The year of being alright
Has begun.

The lapis evening sky
Engulfs me
And I'm nothing more than
Venus shining in the distance.

But I'm nothing like Venus.
I am not a goddess,
Nor could I ever be the
Goddess of love or beauty or fertility.

I could never be a Goddess,
Nor would I ever choose to be.
Much too conceited an action,
A choice.

And while the world spins in colors,
In lights,
In rays of vivid feeling
That washes redorangeyellowgreenblueindigoviolet
All over me in tidal waves.

But I am bereft in color,
I am black and white
I am grey and I have lost all my bright,
I lost all my light
To the ****** of crows that eat up my insides.

And your eyes are aqua marine
With amber circles,
And I have sunset eyes,
But that's for another time.

You are warmth
You are light
You are strong
You are brave,
But you don't have to be.
You don't have to be,
Not with me.

And i am fearful,
And i am shaking and shaky.
And i hate saying it,
But i am fragile and scared,
But not in the way you see me as.

I can be stronger
I can stand taller
I can be brave.
If only for you.

You called me a thief, but i'm just a survivor,
I'm a fighter.

I've spent my years
Fighting for my life
Or fighting for nothing,
And they ended up being
The same.

Because i came out
Swinging,
And though i was
A little less
Than the best,
I came out with a black eye
And a split lip.

You, being the light that drives me
Should be aware
That though
I love you so,
I'm stronger than you know.

Sometimes i'm okay,
And, i guess, sometimes i'm not.

And sometimes i'm great,
And sometimes, i guess, i'm not.

Sometimes
I'm a sunny day.
I'm all cloudless skies
And blooming flowers
And green, green grass.

And sometimes i'm a starry night.
Usually, i'm a starry night.
And it's not that i'm sad or shutting you out,
It's just that if there's too much light
You can't see the stars.


But sometimes i'm a hurricane.
I'm all heavy downpouring rain
And lightning
And winds that tear everything
And everyone
Down.
I'm so destructive,
Self destructive
But if i said it never hurt anyone else
I'd be lying.

But sometimes,
I guess,
I'm Orion's belt
And Ursa Minor,
And the milky way.
And i'm all stardust and shining planets
And burning hydrogen.

Sometimes, i am beautiful.

And, i guess, sometimes i'm just okay.

Humans are stupid
Foolish creatures.

We destroy in order to create,
And we create to live vicariously,
And ultimately to destroy.

But there are some good things,
Some good parts,
To us.

Some of us care too much,
Love too much,
Want to help
Just a little too much.

And we end up
Destroying ourselves
But we love with everything we are,
So we give with everything we are
And we can only hope
To actually be the good
We want to see in the world.

There is a light within our eyes
That is only seen in the darkest of nights,
And it guides us home,
It guides us home.

I want to be the good
That they want to see in the world,
If not for me
Then for everyone after me.

And there is a light in our eyes,
That is only seen in the darkest of nights.
And it guides us home,
It guides us home.

Close your eyes,
And realize
Things are dangerous
From my end.

Each and every step
If not placed correctly
Will result in my shattering,
But if placed
In the order
It should
It will
Result
In maybe something better
Than before?

And I am frozen
I am cold
But I see a type of light
Within you.