What is true surrender?

How to stop fighting?
I only know the why.
My heart is aching
Because I try and try and try ...

Constantly starving myself
From love
Permanently thinking
That I am not enough

"Oh my poor self"
This is self-pity
Why can't I be as
Beautiful or pretty?

"This is so selfish
You're superficial"
This is the judging voice
Sounds like an official

"Making yourself dependent
On looks. On other's opinions,
On not your own truths"

"Of course, you know best"
-that's the submissive one.
Digging deeper a knife
Into one's own throat.

"Whatever it takes
I will express myself"
-this is the fighter,
Not giving up.

"We need to stop,
This is too much"
The fearful voice
Afraid of touch,

"Uh you're so pathetic"
That's the *******,
Self-hurt multiplies
When it arrives.

"Let's do this again!"
The optimistic tone,
And there's the naive one
"I'm in, yes, yes, yes!"

"You can't be serious"
The everlasting anger
Trying to diminish
Whatever one thinks

And disappointment
Arises and lingers
In the air,
One is thrown into mist.

"I am so lost. I cannot see"
That's overwhelm
Coming over me.

This is where all the voices at once
Scream at me, talk to me,
Not one by one.

And overbearing with the emotion
One starts to drown in the dark and deep ocean,
Foggy the vision, nasty the mind,
One deeply lost, blurry and blind.

"Now are we satisfied?"
That's the expectation,
To make something outstanding
Out of every creation.

"Nah, could be better"
The perfectionist,
Trying to please...
Forgetting ease.

"My chest is burning"
Hypochondria churning,
Maybe the pressure is
Simply too much.

"You're so incapable!"
The inner critic,
Makes one feel hateful
Towards oneself.

"Wow, that's a lot"
Finally self-compassion,
Emerging slowly,
Comes into action.

"Burning" - exhaustion,
The energy released
And the heat in the body-
Increased.

"Is this awareness? What's my next step?"
Carefully wondering,
Still full of regret,
This is distrust,
Losing patience fast...

Helplessness howls,
Fear kicks in deeper,
"I think I can't breath,"
Anxiety croaks.

"When will it end?"
I ask and reply:
"It will not end,
Until I die."

Dear imperfect me,
You are your own, just be.
You wrestle with insecurity,
that you can't settle peacefully.
Dear imperfectly,
The way you are is how you're meant to be.

Don't close your eyes and pretend you can't see,
Cos when you do, you're missing free
dom, and the richness; vibrancy,
of what it means to be living, see!

  Dear imperfect me,
The devil wants you to be devastatingly,
lonely, to isolate yourself from me,
to run around, head cut off, me.
But dear imperfect me,
there's no such thing as superiority,
it's just what we do when we are achingly,
small inside, and out, dumb wittingly,
disconnected from reality.
Such a waste; insecurity, obligatory shame, we accept begrudgingly.

  Dear imperfect me,
Can we try something new, happily?
Can we live more peacefully,
seeing ourselves progressively?
As beauty wrapped, uniquely!
As unsentimentally evolving.

  Dear imperfectly perfect me,
You are, you are, who you're meant to be,
For now, until you're not; key!
Grab this truth wholeheartedly.

I am projecting
My self-rejecting
Onto other people

This harmless action
Destroys connection
All in my brain
A habit contained

Now realizing
Awareness sings
Let's liberate
Don't be afraid

Fears are surreal
Anxiety's real
People are mirrors
Of how I think and feel

The controller sits in her tower,
Blasting down commands:
Do this, and do that,
Reverberating are her demands.
How to calm her bellow? I ponder.
How did she get so loud?!
But then, sometimes it's so subliminal,
Her messages that silence the proud.
Silence is deathly, it kills life when left unchecked,
Is it peaceful or suffocating?
Is it healing or is it a tragedy?
Can I change? Or is this how she'll be for the duration?
I have hope in you oh Lord,
That you will calm the controller.
I have trust in you, oh Lord,
But I just have to let out this holler...