"Do what I say no matter the cost"
I am what they want me to be
My feelings are numb
My soul is lost
It's fine if I'm not whole
All they need is my body
My bones cry out
My skins is a sheet covering the holes
I have little energy to even breathe
I cry till my lungs have no air
I stuff my face in a pillow
My jaw aches while I clench my teeth
All the oxygen in the room leaves
Dark thoughts swarm my head
Depression holds me while I heave
I could just die
I feel worthless, I am nothing
I watch as everyone leaves
I don't know how long I can do this
Got to get away
Its not like I'll be missed
No one around me cares
I'm a breathing corpse
I guess its true
Life's not fair

I see you're with someone else
One of my friends
I don't know how to get over you
I've tried
But I keep coming back
There's a much deeper connection
Than just friends
I feel it
No matter how far I run
Or how far you push me away
I'll always come back
Even though you have abandoned me
I will never abandon you
No matter how many times
You have pushed me aside
And said you don't care
You always say you would care
If I died but now
I'm not so sure
I know your girlfriend would
But I'm just an ex
I want to be in your life
But you always push me out
Plus it hurts to see you and her
Ever since that day
That horrid day
I've been lost
You could even say that I'm
Dead
It feels like it
Might as well make it true
You wouldn't care
You could finally be rid of me
So maybe I'll say goodbye
Forever

Some people are used to feeling everything
Others feel nothing
I don't feel anything anymore
I feel like everyday I force myself just to smile
Sometime i find myself happy but it always fades
Everything fades
I wake up and find everything pointless
Music would be my escape
Now nothing works anymore
My life is pointless

three times
one: i sit here on my friend's kitchen floor with a bottle of pills and a throbbing headache 'just take a few they're 200mg each you'll be fine'
i smile and nod, she walks out
i begin counting '200, 400, 600, 800, 1000...' all the way up to 2600
"what will 2600mg of ibuprofen do to me" i wonder
and i down the pills
hours later im fine
nothing
im not hurting
just numb once again as always
and i eat
then like usual, go puke it


~the summer before 7th grade~
just a little more dead inside than before

Half of the world I’ve built is in ruins.
My sanctuary is damaged past repair.
How can such vibrant feelings,
Just disappear into thin air?
There is not a single light as I fall,
Spiraling into despair.

You said you're dead inside
but you make me feel alive.

You said you can no longer feel
but what if i feel for you?

You made me feel alive
in a time where i felt dead inside.

I am silent, no words come out,
I am silent, no thoughts come in,
I am silent, no way of stability.

I am so silent in my mind,
I simply forget to speak.

They say because I am so silent outside,
That the inside of my mind must be loud,
But the real issue is I'm far to quiet either way.

Far to quiet to be alive,
Its like my depression finally won out,
Because not only did I get myself to shut up,
But my brain has finally shut down.

I am not fully here or there anymore,
I am lost away amongst the fog,
Someone come get me, I am sick of the silences.

the rain used to be my favorite
the sky was crying with us
until I got swallowed up by it
my bones crushing with each trick
no seatbelt
thought I wasn’t going to live
I was ready to say goodbye to this world
but when the car finally stopped I was still alive
I started screaming why
I could smell blood and soil
I thought it was finally by time to say goodbye
police, ambulance, and a helicopter arrive
“mam have you been drinking or are you on any drugs”
glass in my hair
I felt like there was no air
it was getting hard to breathe
my whole body was broken
mostly my heart
they should’ve left me to die
- sorry about the car