My arms pain from lifting myself up.
Everyone is so kind, it's almost too much
to bear. It's overwhelming to think
that they might actually care
about The Outsider.
The "finds a corner so she can hide"-er.
The girl who you think looks sad,
Doesn't smile, or perhaps is even mad.
But no, I am none of these things.
I just feel like my calm nature is hanging by a string.
So really- it's no big deal.
I have dealt with this horrible feeling
for years.
And although your kind words brought forth unexpected tears,
I think I am no longer a blob of grey.
I'd, like to think I'm doing great.
I guess I could put myself out there and interact
but the stress of that alone is enough to give me an anxiety attack
so please- be kind to The Outsider.
But not too kind; you might upset her.

I don't understand how words
written in the sand,
words written with my simple hand
can make me think twice.
Or how being tethered to my phone
makes me feel less alone.
And how staying at my friends home
makes me wish I were family.
I can't change anything.
Becuase we deal with what we're given
we don't get to choose how we live and
attempts to change the world are just trivial...
Right? Wrong.
See, those words in the sand
words written even with my simple hand
could make someone's day better.
That's a change I can make.
A small step I can take.
And by connecting to the world with my phone, I'm never really alone,
I can project a positive tone
For my small audience to hear.
You see, change is waiting for you,
anxiously waiting for you to choose what you will do
to make your world a better place.
Even if it's as simple as words in the sand
that will put a smile on someone's face.

It's time to make a new me.
Someone fresh, vibrant, and exciting.
But tell me how I can make a brand-new heart
with just some tape and a few spare parts?

It's alright. I can do this.
Just tweak my hair, give my lifestyle a twist.
Maybe I'll loosen the grip on my reputation
And replace it with fuel, ready for ignition.
I need a passion that burns bright inside me-
but not too bright, cause people might see
But don't I want to be seen? Or do I want to live through my dreams? Put this here, rip this part out, try and push away the anxieties, the crippling doubts, the endless nights full of fear and the buckets and buckets of held back tears all the words that wouldn't come all the conversations that made me look dumb


How can I make a new me
when I still have my memories?
When I've left behind my heart
and only have spare parts?
With all the stress of making a new mind
I've ended up turning a blind
eye to what really needs building;
Trust, confidence, and my fresh beginning.
So for the moment, I'll take care of the girl I am now.
And even though I can turn away and make a new, shallow
version first, I'll never lose this me.
**That's for sure.

What is wrong with me?
The thought of calmness gives me anxiety.
I avoid all help like it's the plague.
What am I afraid of? That they'll think I'm a fake?
But the help never helps for very long
and then I'm back to wondering what the hell is wrong.
They give me advice that is very useful to some.
But the fear of being "weird" always makes me run
away from solutions, away from a cure.
I always run away, cause even I'm not sure
what's wrong with me.

I feel so disconnected
Trying to reach out to my closest friends
is now a multi-step chore.
And I hope for them, I haven't become a bore.
I hope these cables and signals keep us from drifting apart
because if that ever happened, it'd break my heart
to know that you don't want me around.
It feels like you wouldn't care if I were laying in the ground.
All I ask is how you've been
But all I get in return is that you're nowhere to be seen
anywhere on my feeds,
on my dashboards, no texts to read.
If you don't want to hear from me, that's your choice.
I mean... I guess this distance does damper my voice...
I feel so disconnected.
Maybe this time I've gone in under my head.