I sleep on a bed of nails
Every day when i get up i stick the sharp objects right into my back even though they were left by everyone else
All different shapes and sizes
Finger prints on the handles as well
Very individual characteristics of the weapons themselves
Alternate methods i can still feel the pain of being impaled
Most people tear the blades out throw them to the ground
Not me
They're the only thing still connected to the memories of what its like to feel
I refuse to let these wounds heal
Being in contact with trustworthy souls becomes surreal
One day I'm sure I'll come to terms with what's actually real
Until then I'm content with bleeding day in and day out
Just to get that sliver of compassion to seek out and nurture my spirit while i lay completely still
someday ill be able to sheath all this metal and continue on with my journey
Right now my hope is my attorney and his case is very weak
Someday I'll remember what its like to be strong
Then I'll strive harder then ever before
The key to unlock this door is buried deep inside my heart
Which is heavily guarded by my mind
I'm running out of time
There's still a part of me that doesn't want to die
I'll keep bringing him supplies so maybe he can fly
Little by little

The internal clock winds down another year
Time keeps going by faster i fear
How much longer am i supposed to be here
That's not up for me to decide
Or is it
Who knows anymore
Certainly not me
Counted my birthdays on five year intervals with my fingers and toes
I've ran out
Twenty one years old still so very concerned with what life is about
I'm wasting time
Or am i
Who knows anymore
Am i still in my youth
What little youth i had
You tend to grow up very fast when self loathing thoughts are all you've ever had
Praying to a god to relieve you of always being so sad
Relative to everything that's happened in the past
I cannot release this hot burning coal
Its not as simple as letting things go

Is there love out there for someone like me?
As cliche as a small excerpt like this might be
I can't help but wonder
Will there ever be someone who sees me like lightening and my voice like thunder
Following you around like your own personal little cloud of rain
A muse who understands my pain
Its not easy to believe in someone
This i know
For my past endeavors have told me so
I often fantasize about it
What its like for someone to know my demons in and out
Its a double edged sword
It has to be
For another human to understand
They'd have to be as crazy as me
I want to connect on a level where our fingertips create small worlds
And our bodies create galaxies
Just by simply touching

And then there's nothing

Death has made a quiet little cozy home in my head
Sometimes I creep into bed with it
And watch it sleep
Wondering when it will caress my cheek
Begging not to take anything else but me
And so if it decided to return
Id go willingly
I'll float through time and space
Watching everything happen at a speed of light pace
Hopefully my loved ones move on and forget
They don't deserve any type of fear or regret
Ascending through the ozone and into sun



Where do i go from here

We don't even know eachother but your name echoes through my head

Like a solemn comforting whisper while i lay awake at four am in bed

I hope our paths cross eternally

Mother moon
Father earth
Why have i been cursed since birth
Brother trees
Sister breeze
Why must you mock me when i can't stand on my own two
feet
Because I'm constantly knocking myself down
Internal fist fights in which i slam my own face into the ground
My heart doesn't pound
It has a slow steady beat
Much like an army who has just faced defeat
Its become less of a mind state and more of a disease