it’s been so long since i have seen you
we fill the awkward spaces of silence with random talk
or mean stabs, and old memories, or inside jokes we have forged into our deep memory. your promises are honey to ears.
they soothe and fill every crack i’ve had
on my skin, on my heart
every surface is yearning for your touch
like a firework needing the lighter
i cannot control myself around you
you make me an utter chaos of lip biting
of face scratching, of leg bouncing, of nail biting, of fidgeting with my earring
and then you leave so abruptly
there i am, in my bed
protected by a wall of pillows to block out all of the world
blocking out every knock on my door or stomach growl
wanting one thing in the world will not make it come true
wishful thinking will be the death of me
and so i lay here in my fortress of sheets to die
with the thought of you coming through the door on replay.
i crave your voice right now
telling me everything will work out
just say it, baby. just tell me once.
should not i be ready to let go of you
ready to be the independent fire my friends know me as
ready to stop hating myself to the core for not living out what i believe in
ready to stop knowing myself as only a hypocrite.
this hurts because i am constantly stuck
in the middle of the push and the pull
my arms and legs going in different directions
my head and my heart at war
but the rest of me stays stagnant
watching, waiting, listening.
sitting on a step and people watching
watching faces i do not recognize or wish to know walk past
hoping i’ll catch a glimpse of you in one
or hoping you’ll pass by and notice me
so i stay here.
i will stay and i will wait forever for you.

the rain is full of ghosts tonight
they push the trees to tap on the glass
they moan and shake the leaves
i watch the moon and ponder
where my lips have been
who i have touched
i have forgotten the ones in between,
forgotten when i wonder why
it’s then and now and in between
here i am stuck in the middle
the arms that held me weren’t as strong
as my head rested on another’s pillow
i ask the ghosts what went wrong
they sigh and leave me alone.

i hope you never find out that i am praying for you
that God gives you your salvation in small doses.
i never want you to get the satisfaction
that a person can still care about you
God and i have our secrets.
it brings me pleasure to know that i can find solace in helping you indirectly
even if it is unfair to me.
life has not been gentle to me
or kind
but i will forever be soft.
that is how God made me.
my softness will not be used as a punching bag.
i will use it to inspire you.
to show you compassion
even if you never gave it to me.
God and i are praying you’ll give it to yourself.

i get high
and i don’t feel your
absense

i am sure you love the way her hair falls over her shoulder
you love the way she sings when your windows are rolled down
the way she plays with your dogs
the ways she rubs your pinky with hers
the way you want her to rub other parts of you
does her art inspire you?
are her passions impassionate?
have you cleaned her and brushed her hair as she wept?
is she the same woman i was?
i am just a copy of someone you want
a coy so you can decide if you want to deal with girls like me
a body to be your playground
a mind for you to twist and figure out just what nerves to hit
has she filled all of the empty spaces you wanted from me?

i spun you through my life
as you wove in and out
both of us as spiders
making a silk web that destroys when the rain comes.
i wanted to be your permant home
i wanted the storms
i wanted the torn silk, but preferably only on my bed sheets
if you missed our house as much as i do wouldn’t you come back to repair the foundation?
i know you missed the way i looked in a door frame
a silhouette of your grown man’s dream
please when you return
ignore the unmoved lawn
ignore the cracked ceilings
do not feel ashamed
the front door will always be open for you.

I’ll be the girlfriend in your *******
Only for now
As I am hoping you keep a place for me in your bed or if your sheets are always cold
Fulfill my last wish for you as I would do the same
My self control is weak
And I hope I stay on your mind
Like a parasite
I hope you crave the feeling
Of my curves
My clear, soft skin
Under your clamy hands
I was your clay, as you shaped me into yours
I rode you and drove you crazy
Every place I licked, ******, and begged out of you
As I was feining
You rose like a symphony and told me to take a bow
For my show is art and you will always be the only one to receive it
When she does the same, do you wish it was me?
Do you not wish I was on my knees for your ***** work?
Every time you attempt to sculpt her
Your clay falls and you give up
When you run your hands over her
Do you have to close your eyes?
And yearn for another
Intimate masterpiece
Only I can give you?

does she drive you wild
or just mildly free
does she fill your soul
or is the glass only half empty
do you miss the way I brushed your hair
or the smell of all my things
when you fall asleep beside her every night
does your mind ever wonder to what if it was me
when you wake up in the morning
do you wish I made you breakfast
or has she replaced the simple things in life
I miss the way I fit in your neck
But now you are inside of mine
I should’ve kissed you when
you were yelling
I should’ve held you when we were crying
But now I have a toast to you and her
Even though I still can’t look at you
I raise my glass for a cheers to your happiness
But what about me
What about mine
What about the way you wrapped around me
Like a secret you couldn’t keep
I still can’t lie my stomach dropped when I saw you dancing with her in a parking lot
And I cried for days and days
This is just a merry go round
I get hooked on you and go
Down and
Down and
Down
I told myself I wouldn’t cry because then you would recognize the storm that I am a sailboat in
I crave to know if I run through your mind
Or if I only jog around for a while
If you drive around for a little longer
Just to see if you pass my Toyota
Or if you take the necessary routes
Where is my apology
What about me?

i am soft
i am soft from your blows
as my skin turns the purple
of thunderstorms
i am the sky
clear one day and overcast the next
you are the earth
you pollute me with your torment
and your fits of rage

we cracked all of our eggshells
we looked at each other
and we didn’t feel

he is kindness and truth
he is the glow of the sun
through my blinds at 8 am
i bathe in his goodness
and weep at his mystery
he is new
a prized possession
a rarity, someone to cherish
to figure him out would be to
hide you from my mind
i have to box up your memories
and seal your touch with Scotch tape
moving on to a new person
into a new, inviting home
he is hope
he is not you

i spilled parts of myself all over you
and tried to wipe them up without a mop
there were traces of my love for you
left all over your skin
bruises of fingerprints
burns of soft, slow kisses
scratches of caressing you
the blueprint of my being
can be found on your body
impossible to hide for the next girl
it’s agony for you to see your reflection
and only see my face glossed over your eyes
i will rebuilt my house
i will lay a new foundation
so the only blueprint on you is one from a wrecked pile of lumber
there is pain in my presence
i am stuck on you like a ghost
whispering flirts to you
i follow you like a shadow
but you are too scared to look into the sun
too scared to face the truth
i am more than you
and all you know is the half of me

i listened to the sound of clocks
i watched the windows
the doors
the time
waiting
you would show up from
God knows where
with
God knows who
i was hopeful though
hoping you wouldn’t be angry
hoping we would be normal
killing myself
every
single
day
was agonizing
by the time you finally came around
there was nothing here
left for you to take from me

sculpt me with your hands
your hands on my skin
your fingers in my hair
your knuckles caressing my cheek
build me with your words
your words are symphonies
your words make me whole
paint me with your kiss
your kiss covering my body
your kiss sending pleasure down my spine
draw me with your love
your love making me whole
your love moving my world
you are the artist
and I will be your masterpiece

Silent phone calls and broken promises
You beg me to speak
What am I supposed to say
There is nothing left for me here
A love too fast and too strong
It crumpled under itself
Like a deck of cards in the wind
I will get an apology from you
You say you are never coming back
I get a phone call an hour later
It is too late then
I have already learned how to live without you
I fill up parts of myself that you have left alone
I am not angry at you
Nor sad
I am hopeless
I am tired
Reminiscing has broken me down
Our future we built
Was nothing but a pretty text
Never in writing
You wanted someone who would grow up with you
You did not actually want me
You did not pursue me
Maybe I gave myself away too easy
But it is clear to me why so many people have left you now
You **** on your teeth so you don't yell
You beat your steering wheel
So your hands will not find my body
You should have curled your toes
Or bit your tongue
What you said cannot be pulled back in
We are past tense
One day you will return to me
For right now, I am the wind
And you are the beach I am blowing past
You needed me
I wanted you
You expect me to cry for your return
Saying "You do not care like you used to"
I force myself to cry
Crocodile tears

There is nothing for me in an empty room
But I keep coming back
Just to stand in it
To take in the four, beige walls
To lay on my back and gaze at the speckled ceiling
I tried to be as hollow as the room
To feel what it is like to be an exoskeleton of a human
How did you attempt to fill this room with boxes?
How did you attempt to fill those boxes with pieces of yourself?
I imagine this room with pictures and paintings
I imagine how it used to look, and feel, and smell
Telling myself that if I think hard enough,
You will be standing right in front of me
With your arms outstretched in a bear hug
I allowed my mind to drift to you
To remember
Just to remember
Just to try and find some clues and puzzle pieces
Just to figure out why you left.

I know what lost love looks like now
It's not a person in a rainy doorway
It's a ghost hovering in and consuming a space
It's the way footsteps echo in an empty hall
An empty hall you once stood in
It's finishing your favorite book for the first time
A book you obsessed over that now collects dust
It's spraying the last of a beautiful perfume
A scent that lingers on all of our belongings still
It's sitting in a room of silence with strangers
You stare in their faces and hope at least one lights up to see you
It's wearing my fingers to the bone when I hold a pencil
I keep writing apology letters that you will never see
It's the pale white walls of a doctors office
A boring and tired and uneasy place
No color rests upon its shoulders
No sound bounces off the walls
No scents take your back to memories
And you wonder why anyone even dares to make the puzzle pieces fit
It's only you
Your past lover
And your solitude

Your eyes
I would compare them to oceans
But that's not even the half of your eyes
They are creamier than my morning latte
They are richer than your morning espresso
The deepest part of your eyes
Is something I could dive into
And do flips in as if I was in a swimming pool
The color of your eyes
Is of tree bark in the summer
In the most lavish of forests
Your eyelashes are butterfly wings
They flutter softer than dandelions in the breeze
They curve up towards God himself
Their beauty is incomparable to your eyes
Because they are the frame for the most magnificent
Piece of art I've ever seen
It would be unfair to you because
Your eyes
Are more than oceans.

he brings the sun down
on its knees
the lions bow down when he walks by
he causes earthquakes on the cement
that rumble deep in my core
the trees loose their leaves for him
and the moon shines more brightly on his path
everything stops for him
then he looks at me
and my teeth clatter together in fear
and in awe

I beg the nerve endings in my brain
To pull out the sound of your voice
The way your tongue
Hit the roof of your mouth
When you said my name
I claw at my once smooth skin
To feel the graze of your hands
The way your fingertips
Ran over my unworthy being
I bite and chew at my lips
To taste the softness of yours
The way you were fragile
And made me feel whole
I keep trying to remember
Your presence in my body
But it's the same as an addict
Drinking water in a ***** bottle

You aimlessly shot an arrow in the night
Lifting your craftsman bow to the stars
In a fleeting arch it stung me
Like a curious wasp in the spring
There was no pain in my shoulders
Where the arrow had found its owner
A tidal wave of infatuation rushed over my being
A hunger of devotion tickled at my lips
You were my modern Romeo
And I your Juliet
I watched you from the corners
And observed reticent as you looked
You were searching for your arrow
For you didn't know it belonged to me
I gulped my obsession and faced you
Ready for your adulation
But when I spoke and explained the star-crossed night
You threw the arrow in my face
Telling me your lust filled arrow
Could never have landed on me
I waited so long for your amour
Instead I was in possession of your animosity

I always scratch on your door
Breaking my fingers
Begging for your hate
I’m so addicted to the morphine
I can’t decide if I need you or want you
You tell me you love me
Too much for the words to mean anything
Watching my face twist up in pain
Must be pleasure for you
To watch the ones who need you
Be in agony
The morphine has me so consumed
You push me under the water
My lungs start to fail
When you let me go, my legs forget how to move
I come up gasping for breath
When the air touches my face
I won’t stop with the morphine so
You took a molten piece of steel
And branded your name in my skull
All of my thoughts now echo with your name
Every nerve ending sparks up when you look at me
I’m so addicted to the morphine I don’t realize
When you’re throwing me against your lover’s windows
Breaking me and them
Shattering the future and the past
Purposely destroying porcelain in your palms
I’m too addicted to the morphine I don’t understand when  
You hold a lighter too close to my skin
And watch me wither up and cry out
So I take the morphine and let you continue
Since I know if I leave you the burn will eventually
Turn into a scar
I don’t want your so-called art clogging in my veins
For me to stare at and flashback
Keep giving me a third degree burn
For what’s the morphine
Without the pain

I caught you in a split second
You could see the blue paint on the walls chipping
I could pin-point the exact moment
Your breath caught
I was submerged in the sound of your heart beat
Which seemed to slow down a bit
I surveyed your eyes lose something
The light didn't seem as fluorescent reflecting in the blue specks
I witnessed a fly hovering over the plate of food you left untouched
And I studied how lose your shoulders looked when they dropped
The buzz of the refrigerator was deafening
And the silence from your throat was everlasting
I could pin-point the exact moment
I could only watch when your heart broke

Something was etched in my skull
Like the memory of you
I tried to shake your fingerprints off of me
All I did was rattle my bones
I tried
Looking at you
All I accomplished was holding my breath
So you won't notice I caught on it
I tried folding in on myself
I was a deck of cards and you were wind
Part of me wanted you to be the one
To make me collapse
But I didn't have time to think  
Because I made myself fall
You didn't even have to blow on me

Your words make me want to throw up
I can't even fathom why you think I believe you
Your soul is *****
The smoke you inhale has gone to your heart
The good parts of you were sent to the grave
You closed the casket without a funeral
I've been trying to wrap my mind
Around what has happened
What made you so vile, so cruel?
But then I realize
If I despise you, why am I still with you?

The type of love I care for most
Is the admiration
From wind
It tumbles right by you
And doesn't know how to speak
So instead, it blows through your hair
With so much unconditional love
The wind doesn't ask why you don't thank him
For the favors he does for you
Since the boy who loves you
Favorite sight
Is the constant wind tangling and flowing
Through your hair

I could've kissed you then
The madness was alive in your soft eyes
The wickedness burned in the back of your throat
It burned in mine too
But not because I was proud of you
I was terrified
The one I had idolized and craved
Was a replica of me
After I had sworn over and over
I wouldn't change him, I wouldn't change him
I could've kissed you then
But I couldn't have looked myself in the eyes
And been okay with what I saw staring back

My eyes aren't bloodshot from losing you
They're the strained red because missing you comes in flashbacks
I remember the curve of your hand
When it touched mine
I remember studying the flecks of discolor in your eyes
When you kept looking past me like if you actually stared at me,
You would miss the world and whatever was past me
I remember you calling me at 1 am
You thanked me and you said you were done
I remember wanting to crawl on your skin
I craved being so close to you
I remember me telling you how much I needed you
And you telling me that my sentences reminded you of someone else

my idea
and your idea of love
are very different
what kind of love
leaves you with mascara stains
on your pillowcase
what kind of love
makes you want to wrap your hands
and feel it break underneath your rage
what kind of love
leaves you gasping for air
while he runs his hands through
his hair
and the only thing you can think to say is
i'm so sorry

the unfamiliar haze of your absence
rested at the foot of my bed
it was pulling at me to get up
to brush your memory out of my head
it wrapped around my ankles
telling me to get up and move on
telling me you wouldn't come back
but you clogged up my mind
and wrecked my train of thought
so i stayed in my bed
and waiting for your return

Secrets lash like venom
I can taste it on your lips
Snake bites filled my body
While your presence caressed my hurting
The sweet taste of the juicy substance
Overcame the screaming of my nerves
The flicker of your tongue
Whispered secrets my soul sold for
There as I lay
I see your eyes green
Even through the haze of the day
My eyes start to drop
My pulse ran so slow
I saw you, the snake
Slither away

How am I supposed to believe anything
When every compliment ends with "I guess"
I say I love you like a reflex
I scream it at you and in the end
I just have a burning throat and a dry tongue

All you do is whisper
Your mind is fogged and elsewhere
Your hands may wrap around mine
But they are ice cubes frozen in into mine
And I have to blow on them to keep them warm

What am I supposed to do
When I've ran my body out
Trying to get through to you
Trying to make you alive again
The death inside you shows through your pout

i drew a breath
the memory of you left me with no oxygen
smoke instead of air
filled the desperation in my lungs
the ache of wanting something more
were sources of nightmares
i watched clocks
wondering what time you would be back
you were already half way across the world
i was stuck on the kitchen floor
and i say this from the bottom of the biggest rock

curl your toes
ball your fists
while he screams
that's the only way
to keep your anxiety
and your anger in
that's the only way
to breathe

tell me a dream
the deepest desire in your soul
pleasure me with your imagination
whisper things untold

faint-hearted and light headed
the tender caress from you gentle embrace
your hand pressed upon my cheek
and the other in my wind swept hair

lock me in with the innocence
don't rush and don't worry
tell me the secrets that lay upon
your winter bitten lips

lay your body against mine
sweep me into the moment
for nothing is as sweet
as your cherry chapstick kiss