it’s easy to be sad when you’re alone
you don’t have to worry about draining people
the way they drain you.
23 and realizing that I’m actually sad
and I’ve always been sad
I wake up and before i can even see the world i can feel it
it creeps into my skin and becomes me.
melancholy
that’s who i really am
what i really am
no one in my life will ever describe me with such a word
they’ll use:
happy, outspoken, funny, outgoing, i can light up a room
but when I’m alone I’m melancholy.
i don’t have enough light left for myself.

My mental health is not doing okay.
I’m not doing okay.
But i pretend I’m okay.
I’ll be okay.
Probably.
Hopefully.
Maybe.
I’m fine.
It’s fine.
Everything is fine.

I blame you.
why did you do this to me
              i could crumble in your hands and that didn’t matter
        all i ever wanted was to make daddy happy
       anxiety
you. did this.
i trusted you.
       I’m hurt
                   that’s all i thought about when it came to you.
pain
  I’m angry.
                   how could you do that to me
made me feel small
       made me anxious
                    the person i looked up to the most in this world has betrayed me
    I am broken
beaten
     hit
talked down to
                 I didn’t get it because i didn’t deserve it
  but hey
i now know i deserved the world.
      when you were just never able to give it.
it’s you dad
     it’s you
everything is your fault and you are the very reason i twitch
                     the very reason why i have authority problems
even with my own girlfriend.
  we’re the same age
              she makes me nervous like you’d make me nervous right before you’d drag your hand across my face that was probably the very size of your palm
         no Christmas
   no friends
  no
          family.
you kept me away
                     you beat
you yelled
             i was afraid
that little girl is afraid.
it’s your fault
     dad trust me it’s all you
it was never anyone else but you
               you weren’t the only one
but i only blame you.