I thought you were watching me all this time
Secretly devoting your minutes to me, dying to know how I felt about you, dying in general
Able to feel the skin physically peel upwards off your nimble fingers, as you try to scrape my name off your phone screen, analyzing every word my shattered mind had exerted through cold plastic keys
I thought your drunk thoughts were always spinning towards untouched feelings for me and unreleased emotions
I thought I was everything to you all because you were everything
to me
But I'm not anything
And this world isn't existent
If it doesn't exist with you

i am not that girl
what i mean is i am not that girl for you
i am not the girl that has to continuously giggle into her palms instead of telling you how she really feels, leading you on and fully engaging into the game you play so disturbingly well
i am not the girl who could willingly grasp your hand on a beach in the summer, reminding everyone, including you of how much i genuinely love you, knowing oh so subconsciously that the love i feel is completely unrequited
and i am not the girl who could roll over next to you in bed on a groggy Sunday morning just to look into your stone-cold eyes and say

'i will love you forever'

i am not that girl
what i mean is i am not that girl for you, and i can never be
because in ten years
when you reach your everlasting adult arms towards the blue sky wondering why i am no longer in your life i want you know that everything we had was never real
and i was never truly capable of whole-heardedly loving you

and i am not that girl
at least not anymore

what does it mean
what is the world forcing itself to tell me as my heart cracks into trillions of little pieces of muscle
and where is the meaning?
what does it mean to feel like where you really belong is not in this world, not in this body, what does it mean when you feel like your entire existence is something someone created out of acting on destructive intentions
i cant find it
i cant find where i am supposed to be
i cant find what i am supposed to feel
i cant understand why someone would have to be this way
tell me where it is that i can find
what it all means?

the other day I was approached by a friend when she asked
"what happened to you?"
and my mind just panicked as if I was holding in some sort of mysterious secret that I couldn't allow anyone to know and all I could do was stare blankly
following this question my frail body stormed to look in the mirror as I wondered why I don't see certain things anymore
I constantly think about where those pieces of myself drifted off to so I just could not answer her
God, why couldn't I just tell her how I feel like I can see that girl standing directly ahead of me and I'm reaching out to her with open arms inviting her into my embrace but she does not want to be held any longer because she no longer likes affection shes cold  and shes still afraid to be grasped by any sort of warm touch
why didn't I have the stomach to tell her that that girl standing in front of
me is not willing to spring joyfully back to her creator as she does not have the physical capabilities she used to
do you see her?
am I the only one who can see?
the tendons in her legs are diminished and she can not even fully draw open her eyes
and she cannot see me
she is losing
she is losing
she is losing
she is dead.

escaping through his body fantasizing about the touch of your skin through his scratchy tissue
closing my eyes tighter as I'm kissing him to somehow force his lips to morph into yours
running my fingers through his tangly knots that sprawl across his skull while falsely believing the tighter I pull the more his locks will begin to feel like they belong on your head
brought back to reality as I notice the greenish grey light given out through his eyes that just don't match up with your brown beauty
I pull away remembering I can not find you in someone else and while I may feel like this is the only way I can go on happily knowing you're not mine he does not even compare to your soft touch and it was unfair of me to think I could ever replace someone still stitched into my heart
flowing through my brainwaves and constantly being reflected somewhere behind the chambers of my eye