Do you see me? I ask myself

I'm like a fading cloud for you.
I'm fading over the sky, but i'm not looking like the way you wish i would.
I'm just a cloud.
A white little stormy cloud.
A cloud who wants to be seen.
From your eyes.
From your mind.
From you.
Just you.

And now i'm sitting there
feeling nothing
feeling like every breath is a fight
my heart is beating
beating fast
it screams, let me die
please please let me die
i don't wanna wake up again
never

I'm feeling like there is no air left to breath
Like i'm drowning in a bottle full of tears
Like my heart is screaming for a break
Like my head is a 24/7 party with bad toughts$
Like i'm searching for the one ant in the wood
Like i'm drawing with color but turns black on the paper
Like i'm reaching for hope but it always take a step back so i can never reach it
Like i would die but no one notices because i'm the one who everyone thinks  "she will make it"

Will i make it?

And i look at you
I see your face and it's just
cold.
without any feelings
without warmth
or love
but deep inside
and this is what i know
are you full with love
and warmth
and you just want to see the world smile
because you had hard times
and you know how it feels
to life a life  full of pain
but you're just a girl
with a cold face
sitting on this chair
in this silly room
but you wish
you could change
someone
something
the world.

and maybe
i better stay mentally ill
instead of trying to get better
when it falls down again anyway

why do i have to carry out the pain you once gave me?
why do i have to carry the fault if it was all you?
why is it always me that is in pain?
why?
why?
why?
why?
why…?

Keep more dreams yourself then the reality could destroy

When i saw into your eyes
I saw how much you worry about me
And then i realized
You have to live your own life
Without my problems, without my worries
And to realize this hurts
But it‘s the best
Not for me
For you

my legs are weak like a feader

my heart is beating like a woodpecker

my mind is racing like a rollercoaster

and in between of that

am i

somewhere

i like this feelings
but at the same time
i hate it
i like it how you smile at me
laugh at me
how you hug me
how you trust me
but i hate the fact
that i Need it
i want you to treat me like this
everytime
i know it's impossible
and this is what i hate too
but don't Forget
i love you

i rather say nothing than having to face the reality

isn‘t it funny
how you turn your actions
into my fault

i‘m tired or healing a soul i didn‘t break.

she’s surrounded of people she knows
but they are surrounded of someone they don’t know
because they don’t wanna know her
but they know each other
expect of her
so why should they
know
her.

where some have shards on their way, do i have a whole ruin to walk on

and in the second you took your steps out of the room
the feelings of guilt came in like a stomping bear
my music changed from sunshine to melancholy
and my mind went from the waves of an ocean to the thunder of a storm

even the anticipation turned into a nightmare

how did my evenings turn into darkness again?

like a sunflower lowers its head after sunset

am i getting bad again?

if you could see it
from my point of view
you could maybe understand
why i‘m like that

how far can i go for people to realize that i‘m actually a **** person

you may think it’s just my smile that is gone
but honestly it’s so much more then that

every day i wish
that my parents would have given me away when i was a baby
cause that would mean
i would‘ve been adopted
by parents
who want to have child
to love it
and not
to abandon it
or destroy
it’s tiny soul

my heart is so heavy, with every step i take i drag a whole bunch of bricks with me

if i just had loving and caring parents
i wouldn’t be in this situation now