i have failed over
and over
and over
and over again
looking to others
to understand the
strength and power
of my critical thinking.

I LIKE TO SAY YOUR NAME

I like to say
your name

when you're
not here

turn you
into sound

conjure you out of
thin air

so that you appear
before me

dressed in sound
only

memory sketching in
the rest of you

as if sound
was just an outline

and love
colours you in

adding the voice last
so I can hear you say.

"Hello you..!"
and there you are

as present
as present

can be.

I like to say
your name

when you're
not there.

Have you ever liked someone so much you regret meeting them?

hi,
i thought about you so much today
and i want you to know
i appreciate you

thank you for being you.
thank you for listening
and
your patience,
kindness,
generosity

i hear that you're exhausted
combating the endless toxicity of your mind
the evil that should've
ended so many years ago

i hear that you're lonely

i hear that you might need a lot right now.

i see your strength
and growth
please remember
it's not a
perfectly
     linear
          path

you're a work of art
and
it's a bit messy right now

i mean--
it's been messy for awhile,
that's ok.

you might not know
what direction it's headed
but
my god,
is it a good one

i see you.

i still love you.

your name is
forbidden in
my mouth
or in my heart
because when
i think about
you;

i'll cry a little more,
hurt a little stronger
love a little softer
because you no longer
make me feel sober

i'm drunk on the
memory of you

it hurts
everyday

not being able to say
the words you deserve to hear

I repeat them in my head
it's pointless
you're not a mind reader

who did this to me
did I break myself

I'm filled with love
but I can't say
I love you