my thoughts
so beautiful
so complex
yet so intrusive

how can one
feel so much
yet feel nothing at all

i feel like the leaves in the fall
admired for changing color
effortlessly swaying with the wind
rustling through the grass

weightless
essentially
letting the wind take me
where i’m destined to go

nothing is holding me back
literally
or
metaphorically
in any kind of form

i am the leaves in the fall
i am letting the wind take me
wherever i need to go
my destined path

i am destined to change
change
it’s what makes the world go round

so please
tell me why
why are we conditioned
to fear the inevitable

to fear the unknown
why is it associated
with so much negativity

change is here
take a deep breath
let the wind take you
to your destined path

my path does not judge
my path has no expiration date
let me tell you
neither does yours

come with me
and close your eyes
hold my hand
and feel my energy
feel the energy of the earth around us

absorb it all
it’s our daily gift
from earth herself

another day here
is another day together

another day with thoughts
so beautiful
so complex
yet so intrusive

but here i am
letting go
letting go of whatever has power over me
i gain nothing from holding on

so here i am
in all my glory
rustling through the world until i find my path

your touch
it's warm
electric almost
your fingers grazing my skin
memorizing my figure
we're in sync

as i lay here
i wonder
when will i be enough
enough to love
enough to prosper
enough in your eyes
the pain cuts deep
pain? pain!
i feel myself cold
i don't need a sweater
im not sure what it is i need
guidance?!
definitely not from you
what i want from you
is to leave me alone
im tired of living in fear
im tired of walking on eggshells
im tired of not being enough
enough
in your eyes?
never
i have to start with myself
i feel myself at the bottom
bottom of what?
im not too sure
and even if i did
i wouldn't tell you

life is weird
life is annoying
we encounter so many people
throughout our lifetime

-- however
i don't know where i'd be
if i didn't have you
my dad says that friends aren't forever
i used to believe him
until i met you, two

--never
never in my life was i
loved and supported
the way you two have
loved and supported me
i feel myself letting go
anticipating my fall into the pit

--im not falling
am i not falling?
quite the contrary
you, two embrace me
you hold me close
i can feel your heart beating
making mine swell

--i love you
who would've thought
that we'd be best friends

--we
we smoke
we laugh
we love
together
you two, are a piece of me
a part of me
a part of me i thought never existed

--however
i'm glad it does
i'm glad we exist
we exist together
our paths crossed for a reason
it works for a reason
i feel the impact
i feel the love
i feel you two
when i'm feeling incomplete
you two complete me

It has been so hard to keep this secret,
even harder to accept that it was who I was.
I never wanted to be,
who you wanted me to be.
You tormented me,
when all I wanted to do was prove you wrong.
I was in denial for most of my life,
never wanting to accept who I was because of what you'd say.
When I finally admitted it to myself,
I found it necessary to tell the important two.
Knowing I was accepted by them meant the world to me,
it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders.
I thought everything was going to be okay,
hoping it would stay that way.

Unfortunately,
I was wrong.
I asked for your confidentiality,
I thought I had received it.
But,
apparently I hadn't.
Anxiously wondering what had happened,
waiting for your response.
I felt like I couldn't breathe.
I was ready to scream,
I wanted to run,
I wanted to be a million miles away.
But I couldn't,
I wasn't,
I was there,
living my worst nightmare.
I couldn't breakdown,
not there, not in front of them.
I had to stay level headed,
I couldn't let it get to me,
but I couldn't.
I wanted to cry,
go back to my old ways,
drown myself in misery that was my life.

That night was worst,
I was alone, hurt and emotionally unstable.
I regret what I did that night,
I promised myself,
I promised you,
I'd never do it again.
But I needed relief.
The pain was comforting,
in that moment I felt like I was okay.
Until I snapped back into reality.
This was unhealthy,
I wasn't going to let myself bleed out.
Not again,
I couldn't go to the hospital.

It took a while,
but it finally stopped.
I could breathe again.
My mind was clear,
I was able to think.
I was still angry,
but I let myself feel the emotions until they were gone.
I still couldn't believe it,
I couldn't feel,
I couldn't understand,
I couldn't.

Even though I felt betrayed,
I was betrayed,
you did me a favor.
I couldn't lie.
Not to myself,
not to you,
not to anyone else.
The truth was out.
Even though,
I felt as if my heart was ripped out of my chest,
mutilated and buried.
I knew
it wasn't your intention to hurt me.

You helped me,
you pushed me to do what I wanted to do for years.
It did not happen perfectly,
but it happened.
It couldn't be taken back,
I just had to deal with what had happened.
This all could have been avoided,
but my daddy tells me everything happens for a reason.
There is no need to grieve over mistakes.
Ultimately,
it's not the end of the world.
And what I gained was far more important.
Self acceptance.
I am okay with who I am.
I am okay with who I choose to love.
I am okay with life choices.
It was you who told me it would be okay.
It was you who stood by me.
It was you who did not judge or ridicule.
It was you who supported me,
from the beginning.
Thank you.

I love you,
I need you,
but
where were you
when I needed you most?
You hurt me,
made me feel worthless.
I loved you.
You threw me away,
like a piece of trash.
You lied!
I hate you,
I am angry,
I am hurt,
but
I let go.
I did not need
anymore grief.
You were not worth it.
I do not care about you.
You are nothing to me.
We are back to where we started.
We are strangers.
I love myself.
I am the only person I need.
I am through with people like you.
I am here for myself,
I am recovering.
I was not okay then,
I am better now
I will best soon.
I love myself.

She comes into class with nothing but a frown,
I have noticed since Monday she has been down.
I see in her eyes that she is real hurt,
He starts off her day by saying she is dirt.
I look into her eyes as they start to swell,
I want to give her a hug but there goes the bell.
I did not know it was her last day,
I have always wished she could stay.
She walks down the hall minding her own business,
they kick and punch her,
and I am the only witness.
She whispers in my ear saying not to tell,
as she quickly murmurs it would just be hell.
She reassuringly says this will soon be over,
just like her poor old dog Grover.
As she gets to her house,
she is as quiet as a mouse.
She grabs as many pill bottles,
finds the sharpest knife,
then quickly but quietly,
enters the bathroom to end her own life.