my insides are twisting
and shaking and burning.
my wishes are too dreamy,
but i have to go on.
i have to.
I saw it
The corner in which my heartbeats sting
The corner that reminds me of pain
The corner that flashes back eveything
The corner in which your stains remain.
I saw it
The very place where it befell
The very place where it crashed
The very place just like hell
The very place where it was lashed.
I saw it
With my tired eyes, it lingers
With my shattered heart, it's desolate
With my regrets, I pressed my fingers
With my slow places, I reminisced our fate.
I saw it
Your face that lit the universe
Your face that glowed in every scene
Your face that I couldn't curse
Your face that will remain like that of a teen.
I saw it
The hidden smiles you flashed at me
The hidden stare I returned to you
The hidden connection of how we're meant to be
The hidden memory made by two.
I saw it
The threaded face just like an art
The face that caused my tears to fall like the rain
The broken piece of pieces of my heart
The coffin where you had peacefully lain.
I saw it
The eyes that said it all
The nights that were lonely and cold
The sadness that rolled in my life like a ball
The love that was never ever told.
For my first love. Written in November 2017.
the rumbling of the grey skies
and the world's biggest and dirtiest lies
had come again to my own senses
that i am indeed an irreparable mess
as the rain poured heavily,
my heart started to feel the pain
i was awakened from my reverie
and my tears blended with the rain
i thought of reconciling with the ache
but the rain was something i could not take
for when the skies rumble and cry
i remember your most painful goodbye
that day in summer, the rain appeared
stripes were drawn on my window pane
i could not protect you the way i feared
just like how i was not able to stop the rain
i despised the rain ever since you left
but ink the deepest corner of my heart, you were kept
and the rainfall could not silence my cries
for you remained in my battles even in disguise
as i stood here on this side of the road
without an umbrella but a life to hold
i looked on the other side and you were there
but all i could do is cry, stand still and stare
you took careful steps -- slow but sure
i suddenly felt relief as if discovering a disease's cure
the skies cried even more than before
but my eyes witnessed how you were so kind and pure
your umbrella may not have stopped the rain
but it lessened the hurt in my memory lane
now i know that when the skies cry
i will always find hope in your goodbye
in this dark and gloomy world of fools
life still exists -- like how the rain falls
just knowing that in our heads it pours from above
life is beautiful when i can live in your love.
for kim hanbin.
I let out a deafening sigh
as I bid you my final goodbye
I tried to stop the agonizing shivers
but it resulted to weakening whispers
I know our love was quite unpredictable
Too young, too bold, too vulnerable
I bet time had long known we’re impossible
but we cannot remain forever indestructible
My spine must have known the weight I carry
And my heart and tears seem to betray me
For I have sought for every answer to this
Whilst I’ve clearly known I would be remiss
Fate must be laughing at us now
We learned why yet we still chose how
And now all I think about is that crazy kiss,
How you saved me as we made memories
I looked at your sweet sad eyes
I’d never forgive myself if I tell you more lies
I’ve lied enough just to forget you
It’s clear now, no sin would make me do
Suddenly, it all arrived to my mind
How I need you, how I can’t leave you behind
While you taught me love, you taught me pain, too
But I’d rather lose myself than lose you
If you’re the wound I need to endure
Then I won’t waste time finding for a cure
If you’re the storm the world has to give
Then I’d take the casualty you shall leave
If you’re the suffering I’ve got to face
Then I won’t even try escaping the maze
If you’re the old habit that dies hard
Then I can attest that indeed, you are bad.
you’re my old bad habit.
it was a nightmare —
a night i wish to forget.
you laid your eyes on me
and i looked back at you.
i tried to force a smile
but you told me not to.
i tried to hold your hand
but you moved away.
tears fell on my cheeks, and
you told me you can’t stay.
what happened to the eyes
that kept me lost yet found?
what happened to the touch
that kept me safe and sound?
what happened to the dreams
we tried to reach?
maybe you’re just another lesson to me that life is ought to teach.
and i learned so well.
i’ll be waiting
in this forsaken hearth
where there is
no more fire left
to give me warmth.
i’ll wait until the sun rises
or until it sets.
i’ll wait until the rain stops
or until it pours more.
i’ll wait until it’s noon
or until it’s already four.
i’ll wait until you come back
or until I lose myself
in this cold, cold night.
oh, beloved —
salvage me tonight;
or else, I’ll fall apart.
i am fond of using anaphora. it’s one of my favorites.