I am still sitting at the side of the curb where you left me with your demons. I've been looking for a way out, an escape, but in all the wrong places.
I held hands with the devil and he took me to his bed where love turned to lust and my body was no longer a temple to worship. Now I shrink away from the slightest touch of anyone because I started to believe that they were all the devil in disguise, well aren't they dad?
I don't know why you came back and left as fast as you did, but it sure warned me about the people who made empty promises that echo off my walls at night.
The words I wanted to say to you that night still bounce off my lungs, some linger on my tongue, few make it to my lips.
I have to write about my strongest memory, so how could I forget the night you left?
I thought if I could be daddy's little girl the storm inside of me would settle and there would be peace, but you broke each one of my bones with your bare hands that night, leaving me in a pile of self rot on the curb, didn't dare to turn around to see your own blood destroyed and who was I to think that family was forever?
You told me I used you for your money, but all I ever used you for was love. I thought you were home but I never even lived there for two years before you packed my things, kicked me out, and slammed the door.
You got louder and I tried to cover my little brother's ears to protect him from the poison spewing from your mouth and I tried to cover his eyes so he wouldn't have to watch his sister be ripped to pieces by the man he looks up to.
After you left I walked into my house, the four oceans had been emptied and spilled from my eyes. I screamed about the hate I had for you and pounded my fists against the walls and my mom was scared and I saw the faith drain from her eyes when she realized what you had done.
Nothing is poetic or beautiful or okay about a father abandoning his daughter. So when I thought of my strongest memory, this one came to mind first and I hope you know that your daughter writes about the ways you destroyed her.

i was a worn dollar bill
folded and unfolded and crumpled so many times
that even the smell of worth had all but been rubbed off
those who rushed past stopped once or twice to ask me what was wrong
offering to carry those heavy bags under my eyes
not even they could bear the weight
they’d leave after a while, dropping condolences on their way
a trail of breadcrumbs i couldn’t bring myself to eat, let alone follow
sometimes i sang to the birds, the only things that would wake with me in the cold mornings
i washed my hands in freezing water
to jolt my nerves; to make them feel
to remind them they are part of me
and i am human
and i must feel
i carved my heart out for nothing
and it left me with a broken ribcage
slashed thighs and the marks from cigarettes
(i still won’t let him touch me there)

I wish I could say that I want to keep trying,
But I've honestly had enough.
I've said to myself many times before
If I can't take it anymore,
It can't be that hard to let go.

Shouldn't it be that way?

Well it's not.

You, my friend, have abrasive hands
And they are all over me.
I don't understand how you could be so blind.
I've pushed you away so many times,
I'm surprised your not cemented face first into the pavement.

I can't stand your lectures.
You speak as if I need to grab
The pen off the table and document every word,
You believe your morals need to be the bible for the people we need to live by.
That would be a cold sick world.

Your hard headed look on life
darkens the light that wants to shine.
Pathetic really because you do it to yourself.

So this time, I'm going to push away
And I'm going to do it hard.

The difference from every other time,
You won't even see it coming.
Because you won't even know I've done it at all...
Until I'm gone.

You have it all
So why do you complain

I get you what you want
Has your life have not changed

Your bitter sweet tactics
Drive me insane

Do you need to see the dope man
So you can change

Don’t you hate your life
Don’t  you want to live

Without the controlling feeling
Of life with pain

You can no where
Without your tools

Tools for disaster
That bring you pleasure

If I kick you aside
What will you do

Sell your body
For the things that you do

This isn’t some game
When you play with your life

Keep up that ****
Because you may die

So what is recovery?
Is it that tingle in your cheeks
When the corners of your mouth meet
Upwards.
Is it that sparkle in your eyes
Because they're no longer suffocated by your cries and you now have the potential to realise
You are strong.
Is it that glimpse of light, that for so long had been out of sight, that you cling onto tight, through fear
It's only temporary.
Is it rediscovering yourself, rebuilding your health and developing a new wealth
Of coping mechanisms.
Is it realigning the chemical imbalances in your brain, so you no longer feel insane, so there's not less pain
But a mind that can handle it.
Is it the glimpse in the mirror where you don't turn in horror but you greet and honour the person that you are.
Is it the fear, that's consumed you year by year, that's brought the end so near,
That starts to evaporate.
Is it eating a meal, and not having to feel like
You need to punish yourself.
Is it hearing voices, but no longer allowing them to dictate your choices,
Because they don't own you anymore.
Is it putting down the bottle, because you're fed up of the throttle
It had you in.
Is it the feeling when you finally win
Back your own heart and mind
When finally you look inside
And don't find
Darkness but light,
When the night no longer scares you
And the days you can finally pull through
Or is it simply a phase
A gaze at what could never be
For there is no clarity,
No prospect to be free
In chains and nooses
And scars and bars.
In bodies that fight to survive
Trapped inside a mind that fights to take our lives.

Some of us; shall never be undone
We fight a war;
That could Never be won.