smoke fills my lungs
as i walk through the halls
making it difficult for me to breathe
i navigate the house from memory
my eyes being blinded
by the bright light of the fire
mixed with ashes floating near by
i make it past the kitchen and living room
into the long hall
where i am finally able to take a deep breathe
i peer into my room
smoke lingers but fire has yet to destroy
the things i own
as i move to my brothers room
there is astonishingly little smoke
his room is untouched
but as i make my way toward my parents room
the smoke thickens
and i disappear into a haze of ash, smoke, and heat
i find my mom at the far end of the room
looking out the window
we stand there together and watch
as children play in the street
as neighbors walk past
seemingly unaware of the flames engulfing the house

My home happened to be a house
There were people
There was love
There was home made meals
And memories in the making
Each night as I went to bed
I felt content
and like I was where I needed to be

But as our family got torn apart
The laughter left our house
The liveliness fell away
leaving tears in its place
only some continued to stay there
But much of the once occupied space
was now empty

I no longer felt okay
in my own bed
I didn't care for my room
the building ceased to be more
than just a building
**It was a house
but not a home

My heart was heavy
But his smile was light
He made everything feel right

He didn't judge me
He never questioned me
He loved me for who I am

He didn't push me
He never tried to hurt me
He just stood by my side cheering me on

When I would get sad
And cry through the night
He would lay there and hold my hand tight

I wanted to tell him
The three most important words
But I still haven't found courage or time

I met a broken boy
who used to love a broken girl
But her sharp edges
had finally scraped is heart
and he went running away

I used to think
I was good with glue
So I learned to love
this broken boy and his fragile pieces
as I put them back together

But once he was whole he ran away
Back to the broken girl
who he loved so dearly

It wasn't until his absence
that i looked in the mirror
And realized I was in pieces
cut up by the boy who
I tried so hard to help
him unaware of how much he hurt me

I tried to glue me back together
But I learned it to be impossible
In such a short period of time
So my broken self pretended to be whole

A new boy came into my life
he hasn't seen my cracks
hasn't felt the sharp edges
barely knows who I am

My fear is that I will break him
and the trend will continue
but i don't want that to happen

I want to love him

I can go hours
even days
without a single thought of you

But then it is like a tidal wave
emotions crashing over me

I can feel it all
Every hurt
Every pain
Every anger
All the broken promises
All the plans we had that you will never follow though with

I can feel them crashing over me
suffocating me
drowning me
ultimately drowning me in my own tears