How do I get over something that never happened
But manifested from within a beautiful thought that snowballed me to death
Its lonely here- without even a tangible memory
It was never real- I made it all a fairytale
It dissolved when you brought me back to reality
Disillusioned and mistaken- I still rock back n' forth two years later
All I've been battered with surmounts into colossal tons
Weighs me down as I try to get over
Get over something that was only real to me
Was only real to me
It was too pretty to throw away so now I carry the curse
And I sit beneath the moon making the same mistakes

One of these days
One of these years
I won't have to pour my pain onto this screen
And maybe one day I won't feel so alone

"you are not lazy. you are just sad."

my anxiety flares like the sun
drip drop down my spine
parasomnia grips me tight
reminds me nothing will ever be right

When did friendship come with an expiration date
Since the first date we were strung out
Rung out and left to decay away
I thought I called Philotes all this time
Wrong dial- wrong mood- Oizys answers me in her place

It is the fear of absolment that vices my tongue
For I too often dissolve beneath others' acid
Quicker to cut the appendage than to gather my pride
Or what's been scraped from me

it's a thing called depression
it crushes you down
squeezes at your throat so tightly
you're on the brink
only you can tip the scale
off the ledge
salvation is a hoax

this bitter temperamental thing
it deteriorates the brain
happiness bleached from memories
weaving into your form
gripping into the gaps of your flesh
holding you captive- capturing you
and gently lapping the life out of you

Left all alone I continue to erode
My eyes find all my flaws
My mind dips into my insecurities

-no one actually cares for you-

I'd believe it if I was told so
I wish I wasnt anchored onto others
For validation to stay afloat
If left alone I succumb to demons
My brain starts to heat
My eyes become wet
Chip- chipping away at me
Me- who trip-trips over her own feet
Crackle- and- Sparkle as I smile
As though sludge is my brain matter
Sewage floods in my veins
My heart- soul- mind just decay

I have dreams involving ****** lately
Breathing heavy- blankets twisted- mind shaken

Forced to **** in a hyper-reality

Every fear I've ever had vividly reincarnated
All whom I love in these cotton clouds are attacked

It's my consciousness that has me fighting back

Is there something looming in the future?
That's got me- after weeks- aiming loaded guns

In the beginning I would wake up in a sweat
My eyes dripping wet- I'd run my heart beat till I'd awaken to have escaped
Now I kick in glass and chase shadows looming corners

I dont wait and actively search for the disorder

Sweet children snatched from my heavy arms- I push through
Till I'm nearly awake just to break the sleep chains

I dont wanna **** unless I'm asleep

For there reality can easily be just my nightmares

It's hard.
Everything is so difficult.
I feel myself bending for others.
Yet not good enough because I didn't break myself for them.
I am all too much for others.
They ***** me out of their systems and purge their life of me.
As I try once more to enter their life.
I'm a passing dust speck to most.
A fly to others.
Swipe me away on another crushing day.
No one is wanted by me as much as he who I am hunting after.
He exists for fragments.
Melts away in the wind.
Slips from my grasp because of all I am is what I lack.

sometimes I think
if I can't have it all then
let me go back
but back so far nothing can hurt
right off the plane of existence

once more- the chemicals in my brain- have dilapidated my sane

I've coughed up enough phlegm in my life to fill oceans
pale blood-less skin lies below my melanin
the tantalizing desire- to rip limb from limb
anyone who questions the spare shreds of my power
has a strong grip on me- and holds me stagnant
through the tsunamis of emotions that
threaten to subdue me to that of submission
the cold manner I've been treated with has scarred my skin
all the poisons I've swallowed has made me venomous

I wanna fall apart into pretty pieces
Scattered in your palm
Blown in your face and shoved down your throat
Choke on my glitter because I'm not okay Because of you
I wanna waltz in 4-lane traffic with you
Twirl and extend me into the path of an oncoming semi
Bite your finger off and stir my drinks with it
I wanna fall apart because I know you'll leave me in pieces

There's trauma interlocking my genetics
Stripped of specifics boiled into one
My own blood stained with my ancestors' rapes
23% White in my DNA sickens my bones
How much of it was forced upon my people
My great great and further back peoples
How many mothers thighs ripped apart to give birth to the innocent child of white devils
To be beaten by the white she-devil for "enticing" her man

For the child- if lighter- it be favored but enslaved in the home- near that very room they were criminally conceived

How many young Black men taken and ***** to be emasculated and sedated to work passively upon the plantation
Take a wife- to have her taken to masters room
Have a daughter- son- and the pattern roll on

How many white people and non-black people believe Black peoples to be inherently ****** to this **** day
These are the origins

If White people ignore my claims
Then you- white man- woman- person
You are just as guilty as the slave owners
Just born centuries too late for free labor
You must pity this of yourself too

To ignore Black peoples cries is to be complacent in our mistreatment
To not listen is to feel we were deserving of our suffering
To have happily whipped and beaten your fellow man if born back then

To support U.S. military veterans and be empathizing of their trauma
While rolling eyes to when Black people don't trust police, the government, or all White people of high status
Invented- created- controlled- plagued by White people
Because of 300+ years of trauma has brazed us with forced submission
To ignore the intergenerational neglect of treatment among Black people

Makes you a slave master on a cold December in 1865 missing your slaves just born modern day

Nothings coming out right
It all feels like sludge
Slippery **** like sludge
That pools under cotton socks
See- that- that was descriptive
That's what I was missing
Still most all words are frantic
Jumbled incomprehensible feats

thousand eyes
thousand nights
deliver me to the realm
tasting of ambrosia
slick honey thick and full
running down my brown thighs
I'll drown in your disguise
gulping at the very me
legs curling around your skull
hands tugging at your roots
******* you in for more
breathy moans swallowed
large palms gripping at my flesh
neglected you snapping at air
delirium coating your veins
living for my satisfaction
humming at every ****
fingers entered and coiling
thickly coated in my sweetness
pressing for deliverance
desperately coaxing me to the edge
upon my heavenly release
my unraveling unwinds you
with shuddering breathes
and slick glossed lips

I stand and no one is still with me
All moving ahead- bumping into me

I speak and no one listens
All moving in and out the other ear

No one retains me

They let me bleed from their palms

Never do they grasp me
Never do they hold me close
Never do they enjoy me

I wish I could slip into a comatose

Rise when I am stronger

When others words don't wind me
Others looks don't slice me

When I find the balance
Between empathy for me and apathy for others

Because I often ignore my needs for all others wants
And I'm not used to being labeled selfish for taking care of me

Yet no one would dare do the care or do the same for me

I saw it all with lightning fast details
It struck my heart and made it start
I suddenly learned to breath
You held me close and snapped my neck
Day after day I wept
I knew so little of your kind
I should have stayed in line
But I want to hold you face and give you the world
Even if I lose my own
The the day you left me I bled out in the street
I didn't know till too late- why did I try to rush fate
Or is god so cruel that I will never have you
And that's all Ive wanted all this time