Sadie the crazy lady
Who killed her granny to be close to her mummy
She also killed her grandad
Without lifting a finger when the old guy fell made
It look like an accident
it didn’t stop there she was evil
She showed people about
Her version of death
By burning a candle to a piece of paper
Then Ben who is her desk neighbour
Brought action figures for show and tell
Sadie just burnt them and threatened
Ben by putting the burnt action figure in her locker
That really scared him
He thought Sadie the crazy lady
Should be locked away in Gaol
But Sadie the crazy lady
Killed the mental health workers
By accidently on purpose locks them
In a burning room
Sadie the crazy lady
Drew a picture of Ben being hung
By the neck till he was totally head
But the way Sadie the crazy lady
Could do that is killing her teacher
And made it look like an accident
Yes Sadie the crazy lady
Having fun killing everybody
But she wanted her mummy and daddy
To know nothing about what Sadie was up to
Sadie the crazy lady
Started to figure out a way to **** Ben
But this was going to be hard
Because her house was the only
Place she could do it
And Sadie will be going out
So Sadie the crazy lady
Saw a happy man walking by her
She said to him ******* *******
Or I will fucken **** you
You don’t know me
I could really harm you
Make you jitter so *******
Away from me
And let Sadie **** Ben in peace
Sadie the crazy lady
Was killed by Ben in self defence yeah
When her funeral was on
Sadies mother blamed ben
For killing her little girl yeah
And Ben went to court and
Was locked up for 5 years
And Sadie the crazy lady
Was laughing and saying
I am causing earth grief


Sent from my iPhone

When Sadie was a little girl
She dreamed that she could fly.
Her wide eyes saw the world above;
And she was born to sail the sky.

Her coaches said she was to small,
So frail, that she would break.
The world would always hold her down
She had to snap awake.

But little Sadie closed her ears
And shut her eyes so tight.
She stood up on her tippy toes
And tried with all her might

To make herself look big and tall
Cast her shadow on the clouds,
But when she asked the sun to play
He said she just was not allowed.

But that could not slow Sadie down,
Not even just a bit.
She trained and worked all day and night
And they began to see her grit.

Then one day her moment came
As she stepped up to the bar
The world was quiet, still, at last
It was her turn to be a star.

She twirled and flipped so gracefully
Dazzling the crowd below
Not a soul denied the beauty
Of super Sadie’s flying show.

Her heart was strong and vibrant
But her body couldn’t hold
With one quick snap, her wings gave out
And she started to feel cold.



The ground was hard, the world was dark
And Sadie couldn’t feel
She looked and saw a man in white
And wondered, was this real?



Sadie’s all grown-up now
And her body works just fine
She’s all dressed up in glowing robes
And now she really shines.

She won’t regret a single day
Or what she tried to be
But now she has a different dream
And she goes by Dr. D.

Her dream is to help little girls
And lift them when they fall,
And make them shine
And show the world
That you’re never
Truly
Small.

Once Sadie O’Leary’s dementia
Brought her to ‘Whispering Pines’
A nursing home at the edge of the woods
Where she played in earlier times

Her loving son bought her Nikes
For Sadie was sturdy and strong
Her sneakers got quite a work-out
Whenever the door alarms bonged

That happened almost daily
Sadie escaped out that back door
Into the woods she scampered
As I raced to fetch her once more

A good headstart down the timeworn path
Now overgrown and winding
While I just turned 30- so winded
Sadie’s ahead at 90

Sadie O’Leary kept going
So wiry and wiley was she
I heard the alarm bells ringing
Far away from Sadie and me

Sadie, wait!  Where are you going?
She was determined like no other
Her nostrils flared when she declared,
“I’m going to have lunch with my mother!”

Finally able to reach her
Grasping onto both of her hands
Remember she died years ago?
Your mother’s house no longer stands!

"Don’t you think I know that?!”
Glaring into my eyes brightly
Turning round to go back
Sadie gripped my hand so tightly

A comfortable symbiosis
Her foundation by the stream
Tomorrow we'll go together
Who am I to spoil her dream?

Sadie was a doubtful one
Her mind was tightly shut
When faced with the fantastical
She’d fold her arms and tut
She pranced around her garden
With an playful evil aura
And dealt a merry flattening
To all that passed before her
Their bodies lay around her
And an imp of mischief found her

She loved to trap and poison
And wished she’d been a spider
When a fizzing overtook her
When a rumble grew inside her
When a shrinking and a shrivelling
Across her form did tickle
And soon did Sadie realise
That wishes can be fickle
Her legs and arms divided
Her eyeballs multiply did

So sorry Sadie scuttled
Alternating creep and crawl
She tippy-toe’d across the grass
And past her victims all
And sadness was upon her
And with mourning in her eyes
Her grief compounded hunger
And an appetite for flies
Her lengthy limbs belied her
Sorry Sadie was a spider

She loped along a lily
And her sorrow turned to guilt
Her carapace was aching
For the blood which she had spilt
She wept a web of anguish
With her sticky little tears
She wound a downward spiral
Like the falling of the years
Her malice had been stunted
Her fangs were dull and blunted

Sadie gained existence
On a web of worldly woes
She fed her tiny tummy
Where the buzz and flutter goes
And she learned the price of living
So she killed just what she ate
And she knew why killing needlessly
Was such an ugly trait
And with a human soul inside her
She chose to be a spider

My miss may not be expansive
but she's worth this world's unfolding.
On bitter days and dreary nights,
her apricot smile's at my side.

She's furrier than some may like 'em
yet when her wag drags it takes
me down with its droop, and that's why
I'm missing my Miss Sadie.

She's got an easy-gone temper.
There's no bit o' bite in her bark,
just a fondness to be pampered
and I'm happy to indulge her.

She's furrier than some may like 'em
yet when her wag drags it takes
me down with its droop, and that's why
I'm missing my Miss Sadie.

She got sick, it's me that's hurting,
and while she's doing another
kind of healing, I'm waiting for
my poor missed Sadie to come back.

She's furrier than some may like 'em
yet when her wag drags it takes
me down with its droop, and that's why
I'm missing my Miss Sadie.

The *** Hara-A-Go-Go of Iris and 1900 participated
in the ceremony of the insulting gift of God and the
goddess in the relationship of the marriage of Pompas,
you are a human ****** reproduction that is a system
of symbolic representation on Thursday I know how
it works more in the psychology of chemistry in danger
of extinction only in symbolic or imaginary phrases.
Index of Hinduism 1 2 3 4 5 Greek Mythology
Ancient Alchemy of the Roman Jungle Vikra's Ka;
Tantric Psychology 6 7:08 9 Life of the Hindu
religion Hindu religion God, relationships practice
affection for God and God and Satan is a Hindu.
"wife" is the ******* of the temple in which
Muju Vani is the home of the ***** and at the
Sadie house, the education of knowledge and
affairs of India with an intelligent execution. . .
Although these songs are not traditionally
considered deities, they have become sacred.
Advanced research: the role of prostitution
and the role of rock and the devil in oriental
parents of the marriage of prostitutes with the
holy city of marriage of the Sumerian ******
and the Revolutionary Union of Susano which
are common among lovers and warriors of the
morbid angel; the arid Tigris,
the ****** of the Euphrates,
many poultry temples in golden
jeans in a temple or "Houses of
Heaven", the largest of them are
prostitutes and wives. In the first
category of the Duke annual
summer festival, the anxiety
and themes of the autumn Moon
are transmitted to the children of
Uruk, Manuel DESE. Greek mythology.
Greek mythology. History of cultures
in Jupiter and Juno, brides, gems and
cultures. the words of reproductive
problems; Demeter, mother *****,
yes, forget about breaking with your
oldest information. For the truth of
Walter Burkert in the Greek court,
                             the figure of the ****** debt in the cult of the triple union
was "before the king of honor",
it was not safe to make a pilgrimage
for marriage and the saintly person
"who raised GC" Bad Anastasia Nepal,
Bhutan, India and Tibetan Zoras,
$$ men and countries, Nayak Gringer
and Semidiva, the confidentiality
and nature of Buddhism in the country,
fertilizers, a double wise God of Clay
Clay Iye BP is a law to Go On the page
and in a certain sense, Ali in general
love Gigi, yes with the help of ancient
knowledge and lime in this case, Tantra,
the healthy life of the word Khado Rado;
Gemini Five words of analysis: Punch
Maker will see in the chakras The center
of black wool or the body, Liya, Dr. Ray
Wren, for our cooperation with the Buddhist
religion, we get angry with the wood
of the tree. ****** rituals come with cats.
S: Made of culture and natural behavior,
human reproduction in animals. I have
developed ****** rituals based on evolutionary tendencies
that are integrated into society and include such aspects
as the ritual dance of marriage, etc. It has been extended
for this purpose. In fact, *** has shaped its most ritual and
symbolic varieties into the form of civilization. Occasionally,
****** rituals are part of a very formal religious activity
as in the cases of Heiros Gamos or Hyryl and
OTO. The contemporary ****** rituals
have been labeled as 'ceremonial tradition
of structured symbolic expression of daily habit
that grounds magic seriously'.  Tiris of Iris participated in the ceremony
of Hara-A-Go-Go and in 1900 in connection
with the marriage of Pompas in the insulting
gift of God and Goddess, you are a human
****** reproduction which is a system of symbolic
representation, Thursday I know That how it works
in the psychology of chemistry in the danger
of extinction in symbolic or hypothetical phrases.
Index of Hinduism 1 2 3 4 5 Ancient mythology
of Roman Jungle 6 Ancient Alchemy Technically
Tantric Psychology 6 7:08 9 Hinduism's Religion
Hinduism, God practices relationships for God
and love for God and the devil is a Hindu .
"Wife" is a ******* of the temple in which
Muju Vani is the house of the ******* and Sadie's
House, with knowledge of India's knowledge
and matters of education with intelligent execution. . .
Although these songs are traditionally considered
to be deities, they have become sacred.
Advanced research: The role of prostitution
in the Eastern parents of prostitution marriage
and the role of rock and devil which are common
among lovers' lovers and warriors, with the holy
city of Sumerian Zoras and the Revolutionary
Union of Susanu. Arida Tigris, the valleys
of Pharts, many poultry temples with golden
jeans in a temple or "Houses of Heaven",
the largest prostitutes and wives of them.
In the first category of the Duke of the Annual
Summer Fest, autumn moon concerns
and themes are transmitted to the children
of Uruk, Manual, DUSE. Greek mythology.
Greek mythology. History of cultures in Jupiter
and Juno, Bride, Gems and Cultures Words
of fertility problems; Demteer, mother *****,
yes, forget about breaking up with your oldest
information. For the truth of Walter Burkert in
the Greek court, the figure of ****** debt in the
Triple Union's cult was "before the king of honor",
it was not safe to raise a pilgrimage and a saint to
marry "GC" Bad Anastaria, Nepal, Bhutan, India
and Tibetan Zoras, $$ male and country,
the privacy and nature of Buddhism in the country,
a double intelligent God of Nation of Ginger and
Semidiva, Fertilizer, Clay Clay Iye    Bettie Page
                                                             On the page and in a certain sense,
Ali generally loves Gaga Jason in this case,
with the help of ancient wisdom and lemon,
the five words of the healthy life analysis of
the word of Kalho Radio Gemini, in the words:
Punch in Capricorn We will see black wool
or body, Leah, center of Dr. Ray Venereal,
for our cooperation with Buddhism,
we become annoyed with tree wood
and ****** rituals come with cats. S:
Human breeding in animals, made
of culture and natural behavior. I have
developed ****** rituals based on
evolutionary tendencies which
are integrated into society and include
aspects like marriage ritual dance etc.
It has been extended for this purpose.
In fact, gender has shaped its most
ritual and symbolic varieties in the form
of civilization. Occasionally, ******
rituals are part of a very formal religious
activity in the case of Heroes Gamos [         ]
and OTO. Contemporary ****** rituals
have been labeled as a formal tradition
of structured symbolic expression of daily
habit, which makes the magic seriously
grounded. Winner: igegi and other,
divorced in 1900, married and reproduction
in a God and a woman in marriage
and marriage, marriage, pregnancy, ******
chemistry research and symbolic or obscure
statement yehiniduzizimi ...
1 2 3 4 5 6 Classic ārikimētiki Technologies
tenitiriki Psychology 07:08 9 Relationship
between Hinduism, Hinduism and God
speaking, God and the love of God and
demons. <Groom> in the Muslim prostitutes
and the SED House, which is India's intentions. . .
These songs are sacred gods of ancient gods
Advanced Research - Prostitution Marriage
Pre-Turikenitochi Parents and Supporters
of war and quotes and social justice
are the most common Susan community.
There are many huts in the wreik'emewochi
in the window of the widows in Petirodi
work, petit valley temples, or in the temple
"Sky House". Year winter months,
years and years, per year annual Uruk,
horizon, du'i up to yilelefelu.
The story of Greek mythology
Bejupiteri and bešenēno, bebišikinoloji,
in the history of the past, people
and cultures. Very interesting in its original
language, yes, forgot to close old information
But in the powers of Great Wall
Three Great Britain "In the three dictatorships
of life,
                            privacy and the sea" homosexuality,
worship is not a problem. Only the wise God
in the country, nation, race, all know, killer,
blue-silver Festival and festivals, in particular,
in general, .. Lady Gaga, Jason, yekērekē-gemeni
word interview studies, five black wool
or institution, b, Rao Vive Buddhist beliefs
from the central hub The proposed:
S: is to promote human cultures and
to have a natural environment and nature;
Such a series of marriage practices in the
form of neutrality is a series of ******
behaviors in abundance. Designed for
this purpose include in fact, the system
of ethical-ethical systems is the most
modern and important in the field of
art. Are known to use Ation Sometimes
Herod is based on a. Modern ******
practices facilitate common and immediate
action for any situation, they've got heights
and oak religious practices and gay events. . .

pencil-thin shoulders
mess of dyed blonde hair and fake
strawberry grins
lost in movie ticket stubs stuck
to crowded multi-coloured walls stuffed
bears hidden under bedsprings, pent-up
energy like carbonation in sugary soft drinks
unsteady hands on composed aged shoulders,
unsure feet find their way on moving
slabs cleaning out bright blue backpacks
filled with words forgotten on
pages dried up like pens or discarded acquaintances
discovering heart-shaped cardboard tokens of February
infatuation pure unlike clandestine Friday nights,
pounding nervous with blood in pink seashell ears

Sadie, of satin
Sables who dances the swing
Pretty little thing

This page contains several double limericks, a rare triple limerick, and a new version of the double dactyl that I invented, called the "dabble dactyl."



The Platypus: a Double Limerick
by Michael R. Burch

The platypus, myopic,
is ungainly, not ******.
His feet for bed
are over-webbed,
and what of his proboscis?

The platypus, though, is eager
although his means are meager.
His sight is poor;
perhaps he’ll score
with a passing duck or ******.



The Better Man: a Double Limerick
by Michael R. Burch

Dear Ed: I don’t understand why
you will publish this other guy—
when I’m brilliant, devoted,
one hell of a poet!
Yet you publish Anonymous. Fie!

Fie! A pox on your head if you favor
this poet who’s dubious, unsavor
y, inconsistent in texts,
no address (I checked!):
since he’s plagiarized Unknown, I’ll wager!



Hell to Pay: a Double Limerick
by Michael R. Burch

A messiah named Jesus, returning
from heaven, found his home planet burning
& with children unfed,
so he ventured: “Instead
of war, why not consider cheek-turning?”

Indignant right-wingers retorted:
“Sir, your pacifist views are distorted!
Just pull the plug quickly
on someone who’s sickly!
Our pursuit of war can’t be aborted!”



These poems form a double limerick:

No Bull
by Michael R. Burch

There once was a multi-pierced Bull,
who found playing hoops far too dull,
so he dated Madonna
but observed, “I don’t wanna
get married . . . the things she might pull!”

So this fast-thinking forward named Rodman
then said to his best man—“No problem!
When I marry Electra,
if the ring costs extra,
just yank a gold hoop off my ****, man!”



I once provided the second stanza to a famous limerick, turning it into a double limerick …

A wonderful bird is the pelican;
His beak can hold more than his belican.
He can hold in his beak
Enough food for a week,
Though I’m ****** if I know how the helican!

Enough with this pitiful pelican!
He’s awkward and stinks! Sense his smellican!
His beak's far too big,
so he eats like a pig,
and his breath reeks of fish, I can tellican!
—second stanza by Michael R. Burch


The next two poems form a double limerick with separate titles:

Time Out!
by Michael R. Burch

Hawking’s "Brief History of Time"
is such a relief! How sublime
that time, in reverse,
may un-write this verse
and un-spend my last thin dime!

Time Back In!
by Michael R. Burch

Hawking, who makes my head spin,
says time may flow backward. I grin,
imagining the surprise
in my mother's eyes
when I head for the womb once again!



This is another double limerick with separate titles:

Toupée or Not Toupée, That is the Question
by Michael R. Burch

There once was a brash billionaire
who couldn't afford decent hair.
Vexed voters agreed:
"We're a nation in need!"
But toupée the price, do we dare?

Toupée or Not Toupée, This is the Answer
by Michael R. Burch

Oh crap, we elected Trump prez!
Now he's Simon: we must do what he sez!
For if anyone thinks
And says his "plan" stinks,
He'll wig out 'neath that weird orange fez!



Not all double limericks are light affairs:

Self Reflection: a Double Limerick
by Michael R. Burch

for anyone struggling with self-image

She has a comely form
and a smile that brightens her dorm . . .
but she’s grossly unthin
when seen from within;
soon a griefstricken campus will mourn.

Yet she’d never once criticize
a friend for the size of her thighs.
Do unto others—
sisters and brothers?
Yes, but also ourselves, likewise.



Triple Limerick: Attention Span Gap
by Michael R. Burch

What if a poet, Shakespeare,
were still living to tweet to us here?
He couldn't write sonnets,
just couplets, doggonit,
and we wouldn't have Hamlet or Lear!

Yes, a sonnet may end in a couplet,
which we moderns can write in a doublet,
in a flash, like a tweet.
Does that make it complete?
Should a poem be reduced to a stublet?

Bring back that Grand Era when men
had attention spans long as their pens,
or rather the quills
of the monsieurs and fils
who gave us the Dress, not its hem!



Officious Notice: I have invented a ***** nonsense form: the "dabble dactyl." A dabble dactyl starts out like a double dactyl, but forgets the rules and changes horses midstream. Anyone who prefers order to chaos should give the dabble dactyl a wide berth and also not sow any wild oats.  Otherwise, “A little dabble’ll do ya.” — Michael R. Burch



Double Dactyls
by Michael R. Burch

Sniggledy-Wriggledy
Jesus Christ’s enterprise
leaves me in awe of
the rich men he loathed!

But why should a Sadducee
settle for trifles?
His disciples now rip off
the Lord they betrothed.



Donald Dabble Dactyl #1
by Michael R. Burch

Higgledy-Piggledy
Ronald McDonald
cursed Donald Trump, his
least favorite clown:

"Why should I try to be
funny as Donald? He
gets all the laughs,
claiming upside is down!"



Donald Dabble Dactyl #2
by Michael R. Burch

Wond’ringly, blund’ringly
Ronald McDonald
asked, “Who the hell
is this strange orange clown?”

“Why should I try to be
funny as Donald? He
gets all the laughs,
claiming upside is down!”



Donald Dabble Dactyl #3
by Michael R. Burch

Piggledy-Wiggledy
45th president,
or erstwhile manse resident,
perched on a throne

of gold-plated porcelain
matching his orange “tan,”
bombing Iran
from his twittery phone?



This famous limerick inspired my Einstein “relative” limericks:

There was a young lady named Bright
who traveled much faster than light.
She set out one day
in a relative way,
and came back the previous night.

I recently learned this poem was originally penned, in a slightly different version, by Arthur Henry Reginald Buller; his limerick appeared in Punch (Dec. 19, 1923). I find it intriguing that one of the best revelations of the weirdness and zaniness of relativity can be found in a limerick. I was inspired to pen multiple rejoinders:

The Cosmological Constant
by Michael R. Burch

Einstein, the frizzy-haired,
said E equals MC squared.
Thus all mass decreases
as activity ceases?
Not my mass, my *** declared!


***-tronomical
by Michael R. Burch

Relativity, the theorists’ creed,
says mass increases with speed.
My (m)*** grows when I sit it.
Mr. Einstein, get with it;
equate its deflation, I plead!


Relative Theory I
by Michael R. Burch

Einstein’s theory, incredibly silly,
says a relative grows, *****-nilly,
at speeds close to light.
Well, his relatives might,
but mine grow their (m)***** more stilly!


Relative Theory II
by Michael R. Burch

Einstein’s peculiar theory
excludes all my relatives, clearly,
since my relatives’ *****
increase their prone masses
while approaching light speed—not nearly!


Relative Theory III
by Michael R. Burch

Relativity, we’re led to believe,
proves masses increase with great speed.
But it seems my huge family
must be an anomaly;
since their (m)***** increase, gone to seed!



The Heimlich Limerick
by Michael R. Burch

for T. M.

The sanest of poets once wrote:
"Friend, why be a sheep or a goat?
Why follow the leader
or be a blind *******?"
But almost no one took note.


These are limericks of the singular variety …


Caveat Spender
by Michael R. Burch

It's better not to speculate
"continually" on who is great.
Though relentless awe's
a Célèbre Cause,
please reserve some time for the contemplation
of the perils of EXAGGERATION.


This is another of my scientific limericks …

Parting is such sweet sorrow
by Michael R. Burch

The universe is flying apart.
Hush, Neil deGrasse Tyson’s heart!
Repeat, repeat.
Don’t skip a beat.
Perhaps some new Big Bang will spark?


Low-T Hell
by Michael R. Burch

I’m living in low-T hell ...
My get-up has gone: Oh, swell!
I need to write checks
if I want to have ***,
and my love life depends on a gel!


ANIMAL LIMERICKS
A much-needed screed against licentious insects
by Michael R. Burch

after and apologies to Robert Schechter

Army ants? ARMY ants?
Yet so undisciplined to not wear pants?
How incredibly rude
to wage war in the ****!
We moralists call them SMARMY ants!


Dot Spotted
by Michael R. Burch

There once was a leopardess, Dot,
who indignantly answered: "I’ll not!
The gents are impressed
with the way that I’m dressed.
I wouldn’t change even one spot!"


Clyde Lied!
by Michael R. Burch

There once was a mockingbird, Clyde,
who bragged of his prowess, but lied.
To his new wife he sighed,
"When again, gentle bride?"
"Nevermore!" bright-eyed Raven replied.



The Dromedary and the Very Work-Wary Canary
by Michael R. Burch

There once was a dromedary
who befriended a crafty canary.
Budgie said, "You can’t sing,
but now, here’s the thing—
just think of the tunes you can carry!"


The Mallard
by Michael R. Burch

The mallard is a fellow
whose lips are long and yellow
with which he, honking, kisses
his *****, boisterous mistress:
my pond’s their loud bordello!


The Trouble with Elephants: a Word to the Wise
by Michael R. Burch

An elephant never forgets
and thus they don’t make the best pets:
Jumbo may well out-live you,
but he’ll never forgive you,
no matter how sincere your regrets!


The Limerick as Parody
Marvell-Less (I)
by Michael R. Burch

Mr. Marvell was ill-named? Inform us!
Alas, his crude writings deform us:
for when trying to bed
chaste virgins, he led
right off with his iron ***** ginormous!


Marvell-Less (II)
by Michael R. Burch

Andrew Marvell was far less than Marvellous;
indeed, he was cold, bold, unchivalrous:
for when trying to bed
chased/chaste virgins, he led
right off with his iron ***** ginormous!


Here's a limerick about one of the universe's greatest ironies: the lack of rhyme words for "poetry" and "limerick." I almost solved the latter, but fell a bit short:

Shelved Elves
by Michael R. Burch

I wanted to rhyme with “limerick”
and settled on “good old Saint Slimmer Nick”
about a dieting Claus,
but drawing no “ahs!”
I glumly rescinded the trimmer trick.


To show the flexibility of the limerick form, it has often been used for political purposes, and to expose, satirize and savage charlatans. Here are are two such limericks of mine:

Baked Alaskan

There is a strange yokel so flirty
she makes ****** seem icons of purity.
With all her winkin’ and blinkin’
Palin seems to be "thinkin’"—
"Ah culd save th’ free world ’cause ah’m purty!"

Copyright 2012 by Michael R. Burch
from Signs of the Apocalypse
all Rights and Violent Shudderings Reserved



Going Rogue in Rouge

It'll be hard to polish that apple
enough to make her seem palatable.
Though she's sweeter than Snapple
how can my mind grapple
with stupidity so nearly infallible?

Copyright 2012 by Michael R. Burch
from Signs of the Apocalypse
all Rights and Violent Shudderings Reserved



I have even written limericks about religion, mostly heretical limericks:

Pell-Mell for Hell Mel
by Michael R. Burch

There once was a Baptist named Mel
who condemned all non-Christians to hell.
When he stood before God
he felt like a clod
to discover His Love couldn’t fail!


Why I Left the Religious Right
by Michael R. Burch

He's got Jesus's name on a wallet insert
and "Hell is for Queers" on the back of his shirt
and he upholds the Law,
for grace has a flaw:
the Church must have someone to drag through the dirt.



Ribbing Adam
by Michael R. Burch

“Dear Lord,” fretted Adam, depressed,
“did that **** really rupture my chest?”
“Yes she did,” piped his Maker,
“but of course you can’t take her,
or I’d fry you in hell, for ******!”



There was an old man from Peru
who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He awoke one dark night
from a terrible fright
to discover his dream had come true!
—Variation on a classic limerick by Michael R. Burch


There once was a poet from Nashville
which hockey fans rechristened Smashville,
but his odd limericks
pulled so many weird tricks
his pale peers now prefer Ogden Gnashville.
—Michael R. Burch


There once was a poet from Tennessee
who was known to indulge in straight Hennessey
for his heart had been broken
and cruelly ripped open
by an ice-hoarding Dame of Paree.
—Michael R. Burch


Here's one for the poets:

The Beat Goes On (and On and On and On ...)
by Michael R. Burch

Bored stiff by his board-stiff attempts
at “meter,” I crossly concluded
I’d use each iamb
in lieu of a lamb,
bedtimes when I’m under-quaaluded.


Here's one for the Flintstones:

Early Warning System
by Michael R. Burch

A hairy thick troglodyte, Mary,
squinched dingles excessively airy.
To her family’s deep shame,
their condo became
the first cave to employ a canary!


Donald Trump Limericks aka Slimericks

Viral Donald
by Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump is coronaviral:
his brain's in a downward spiral.
That pale nimbus of hair
proves there's nothing up there
but an empty skull, fluff and denial.


Stumped and Stomped by Trump
by Michael R. Burch

There once was a candidate, Trump,
whose message rang clear at the stump:
"Vote for me, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!,
because I am ME,
and everyone else is a chump!"


Humpty Trumpty
by Michael R. Burch

Humpty Trumpty called for a wall.
Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall.
Now all the Grand Wizards
and Faux PR men
Can never put Trumpty together again.


White as a Sheet
by Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump had a real Twitter Scare
then rushed off to fret, vent and share:
“How dare Bernie quote
what I just said and wrote?
Like Megyn he’s mean, cruel, unfair!”


15 Seconds
by Michael R. Burch

Our president’s *** life—atrocious!
His "briefings"—bizarre hocus-pocus!
Politics—a shell game!
My brief moment of fame
flashed by before Oprah could notice!


Trump’s Golden Rule
by Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump is the victim of leaks!
Golden showers are NOT things he seeks!
Though he dearly loves soaking
the women he’s groping,
get real, 'cause he pees ON the meek!


Cancun Cruz
by Michael R. Burch

There once was a senator, Cruz,
whose whole life was one pus-oozing schmooze.
When Trump called his wife ugly,
Cruz brown-nosed him smugly,
then went on a sweet Cancún cruise!


Anchors Aweigh!
by Michael R. Burch

There once was an anchor babe, Cruz,
whose deployment was Castro’s bold ruse.
Now the revenge of Fidel
has worked out quite well
as Cruz missiles launch from his caboose!


Canadian Cruz
by Michael R. Burch

There was a Canadian, Cruz,
an anchor babe with a bold ruse:
he’d take Texas first
and then do his worst
to infect the whole world with his views.


Eerie Dearie
by Michael R. Burch

A trembling young auditor, white
as a sheet, like a ghost in the night,
saw his dreams, his career
in a ****!, disappear,
and then, strangely Enronic, his wife.

Fortune named Enron "America's Most Innovative Company" for six consecutive years, but the company went bankrupt and vanished after its accounting practices were determined to be fraudulent.


The Vampire's Spa Day Dream
by Michael R. Burch

O, to swim in vats of blood!
I wish I could, I wish I could!
O, 'twould be
so heavenly
to swim in lovely vats of blood!

The poem above was inspired by a Josh Parkinson depiction of Elizabeth Bathory swimming up to her nostrils in the blood of her victims, with their skulls floating in the background.



***** LIMERICKS



A randy young dandy named Sadie
loves ***, but in forms reckoned shady.
(I cannot, of course,
involve her poor horse,
but it’s safe to infer she's no lady!)
—Michael R. Burch


There was a lewd ***** from Nantucket
who intended to *** in a bucket;
but being a man
she missed the **** can
and her rattled johns fled, crying: "**** it!"
—Variation on a classic limerick by Michael R. Burch


Here are three "linked" Nantucket limericks of mine, forming a triple limerick:

There was a coarse ***** of Nantucket
whose bush needed someone to pluck it
’cause it looked like a chimp’s
and her johns were limp gimps
who were too scared to **** it or **** it.

So that coarse, canny ***** of Nantucket,
once ****-shaved, decided to shuck it
—that thick, wiry pelt
that smelled like wet felt—
and made it a toupee for Luckett.

Now Luckett, once bald as an eagle,
like Samson, stands handsome and regal
with hair to his ***
that smells like his lass,
but still comes when she calls, like a beagle.
—a triple limerick by Michael R. Burch


Shotgun Bedding

A pedestrian pediatrician
set out on a dangerous mission;
though his child bride, ******,
was a sweet senorita,
her pa's shotgun cut off his emissions.
—Michael R. Burch



Untitled Limericks

There was a young lady from France
Who’d let cute boys poke in her pants:
They'd give her the finger
Where she'd let them linger
because that's the point of romance!
—Michael R. Burch


There once was a girl with small *****
who would only go out with young rubes,
but their ***** were too small
so she sentenced them all
to kissing her fallopian tubes.
—Michael R. Burch


A coquettish young lady of France
longed to have ***** men in her pants,
but in lieu of real joys
she settled for boys,
then berated her lack of romance.
—Michael R. Burch


A virginal lady of France
longed to have a ménage in her pants
but in lieu of real boys
she settled for toys
& painted pinkies to make her bits dance.
—Michael R. Burch


A germane young German, a dame
with a quite unpronounceable name,
Frenched me a kiss;
I admonished her, "Miss,
you’ve left me twice tongue-tied, for shame!"
—Michael R. Burch


A germane young German, a dame
with a quite unpronounceable name,
gave me a kiss;
I lectured her, "Miss,
we haven't been intro'd, for shame!"
—Michael R. Burch


A germane young German, a dame
with a quite unpronounceable name,
French-kissed me and left my lips lame.
I lectured her, "Miss,
That's a premature kiss!
We haven't been intro'd, for shame!"
Michael R. Burch


Four Limericks  plus one Lead-In Poem

Updated Advice to Amorous Bachelors
by Michael R. Burch

At six-thirty,
feeling flirty,
I put on the hurdy-gurdy ...

But Ms. Purdy,
all alert-y,
kicked me where I’m sore and hurty.

The moral of my story?
To avoid a fate as gory,
flirt with gals a bit more *****-y!



Mating Calls
by Michael R. Burch

1.
Nine-thirty? Feeling flirty (and, indeed, a trifle *****),
I decided to ring prudish Eleanor Purdy ...
When I rang her to bang her,
it seems my words stang her!
She hung up the phone, so I banged off, alone.

2.
Still dreaming to hold something skirty,
I once again rang our reclusive Miss Purdy.
She sounded unhappy,
called me “daffy” and “sappy,”
and that was before the gal heard me!

3.
It was early A.M., ’bout two-thirty,
when I enquired again with the regal Miss Purdy.
With a voice full of hate,
she thundered, “It’s LATE!”
Was I, perhaps, over-wordy?

4.
It was probably close to four-thirty
the last time I called the miserly Purdy.
Although I’m her boarder,
the restraining order
freezes all assets of that virginity hoarder!



Teeter Tots
by Michael R. Burch

For your spuds to become Tater Tots,
First, artfully cut out the knots,
Then dice them into tiny cubes,
Deep fry them, and serve them to rubes
(but not if they’re acting like snots).



Golden Years?
by Michael R. Burch

I’m getting old.
My legs are cold.
My book’s unsold and my wife’s a scold.
Now the only gold’s
in my teeth.
I fold.



Trump Limericks aka Slimericks



The Nazis now think things’re grand.
The KKK’s hirin’ a band.
Putin’s computin’
Less Ukrainian shootin’.
They’re hootin’ ’cause Trump’s win is planned.
—Michael R. Burch



Trump comes with a few grotesque catches:
He likes to ***** unoffered snatches;
He loves to ICE kids;
His brain’s on the skids;
And then there’s the coups the fiend hatches.
—Michael R. Burch



Trump’s Saddest Tweet to Date
by Michael R. Burch

I’ve gotten all out of kilter.
My erstwhile yuge tool is a wilter!
I now sleep in bed.
Few hairs on my head.
Inhibitions? I now have no filter!



the best of all possible whirls, for MAGA
by Michael R. Burch

ive made a mistake or two.
okay, maybe quite more than a few:
mistakes by the millions,
the billions and zillions,
but remember: ur LORD made u!

where were u when HEE passed out brains?
or did u politely abstain?
u call GAUD “infallible”
when HEE made u so gullible
u cant come inside when Trump reigns.



Scratch-n-Sniff
by Michael R. Burch

The world’s first antinatalist limerick?

Life comes with a terrible catch:
It’s like starting a fire with a match.
Though the flames may delight
In the dark of the night,
In the end what remains from the scratch?



Time Out!
by Michael R. Burch

Time is at war with my body!
am i Time’s most diligent hobby?
for there’s never Time out
from my low-t and gout
and my once-brilliant mind has grown stodgy!



Waiting Game
by Michael R. Burch

Nothing much to live for,
yet no good reason to die:
life became
a waiting game...
Rain from a clear blue sky.



*******' Ripples
by Michael R. Burch

Men are scared of *******:
that’s why they can’t be seen.
For if they were,
we’d go to war
as in the days of Troy, I ween.



Devil’s Wheel
by Michael R. Burch

A billion men saw your pink ******.
What will the pard say to you, Sundays?
Yes, your ******* were cute,
but the shocked Devil, mute,
now worries about reckless fundies.



A ***** Goes ****
by Michael R. Burch

She wore near-invisible *******
and, my, she looked good in her scanties!
But the real nudists claimed
she was “over-framed.”
Now she’s bare-assed and shocking her aunties!



MVP!
by Michael R. Burch

Will Ohtani hit 65 homers,
win the Cy Young by striking out Gomers,
make it cute and okay
to write KKK
while inspiring rhyme-challenged poemers?

Will Ohtani hit 65homers,
win the Cy Young by striking out Gomers,
prove the nemesis
of white supremacists
while inspiring rhyme-challenged poemers?

Will Ohtani hit 65 homers,
win the Cy Young by striking out Gomers,
cause supremacists
to cease and desist
while inspiring rhyme-challenged poemers?

Keywords/Tags: limerick, limericks, double limerick, triple limerick, humor, light verse, nonsense verse, doggerel, humor, humorous verse, light poetry, *****, ribald, irreverent, funny, satire, satirical