oh snap.

guess who's back?

I'm one step closer to a heart attack.

these flashbacks drawn from a cutback, turned me into an insomniac,
twas only a matter of time until I had a cardiac

arrest me now, officer. I've done you all wrong.

'cause my heart lying in my breast no longer plays a loving song.

I'd love to play the rest, see who else would try and sing along,
but I best not cause more distress, I know where I belong.


this girl KC.

man, she's killing me.

thoughts grilling me, yeah they drilling me!
this thrilling feeling's chilling me to the core, like it's refilling a sea

that just won't quit. My anchor's heavy as ****.

my head's split a bit, teeth grit cause I'm full of these images of misfits, and culprits
whose crimes I didn't know they could commit-
they're all me- I'll admit I don't have a permit to

park my *** in this waste of mass class.

just mind the sass, my ego's thick as thick glass, and I don't have the strength to be harassed (rn).


hold up
>>Boi

I don't got time for this.

I need help, man, tell me what to do, I'm ******.

this story's this; I miss the abyss in which I could hiss at KC's every bish she brought home,
reminisce that shish in whish I could blissfully talk about french kissing her.

but now I got me a man.

but now she back I've got no game plan.

tell me can you show me again how life is more than her?

As the reptile traveled through the thick and damp the ****** stumbled as a woozy *****
The adventures the same
Neither one tamed
Existing in survival all the same

There are many side effects of being ambitious, but having the desire and determination to succeed is not and will never be a bad thing.
when you've encountered so many tribulations and you want something as desprestly as you want to breathe, you know that giving up has never been an option and will never be,
but the most challenging thing is that most of these people only try to minimize our aspirations and what we wish to be.
but I guess that's what we get when we're living in a city full of sorrow, deceit and unfulfilled dreams.
And nobody wants to listen when we try to tell them,  but There's this  yearning inside of me that everyone is failing to see.
and I have every intent of satisfying this hunger no matter how difficult it is to achieve.
I guess a side effect of being ambitious is not knowing when enough is enough.
I was taught that nothing good comes easily, We have to fight for what we want and most likely it'll be tough.
but we were born fighters with purpose running through our veins zealously, causing us to be relentless when it comes to what we crave to be.
now don't get me wrong I'll put on for my city KC, but it's not at all the place I aspire to be, and to put it simply I have to leave and I owe all of that to my ambitious personality.
a side effect of being ambitious is having unnerving passion, making others feel threatened as they try to reconstruct our visions into ideas that they can understand.
but just because they do it does not mean we have to give in.
the ball is in your court, this is your life. take control.
it wouldn't make sense to throw everything away to appease the mind of someone who has already lost their soul.  
A side effect of being ambitious is having unwavering Faith.
I just wish for you to never be discouraged, because ambition will forever and always be one of the most attractive traits.

the house is big
and silent
without you in it

no barking or howling
just uncharacteristically quiet.

i miss your
scruffy grey bearded face
and soft cinnamon colored fur

the sweet way you slept
seemingly without a care

but
looming as it always does
is the end

i knew it was coming
it never made it easier
knowing this

my friend kc, who still tried
even when his sight went
and his legs gave out

who still showed me flashes
of that little ball of fur
i fell in love with
so many years ago

then the time came and i had to let you go
but it feels like you are never far away from me

i expect you to be there

i still say goodnight
and tell you to sleep well

i say these things out of
habit - maybe

but i hope
that you can still hear me

when i say
love you man

it makes me feel
a little better

because i think you can

her name
it always came back to her beautiful ******* name
want to know how to make me truly happy for a moment?
say her name.
then watch as the hope from my face drops as quickly as it came
as I turn away blinking back petty tears
then cease to even look at you for the rest of the day
and barely engage in conversation for the rest of the week
not to mention the multiple bandages that appear along my arms and legs and stomach

her smile
I never saw it
after all we never sent each other pictures
just two kids talking across the world from each other
one trying to save the other
not knowing yet why anyone would dare cut their skin on purpose:
me
the one resisting to be saved:
her
trying not to put all her problems on me
knowing I was stupid enough to believe an 'I'm fine.'
sometimes smiling however at my lame jokes
and as I began to say
I never saw it
but I felt it
I felt it coming all the way from wherever she lived
it could have been down the road for all I know, we don't talk to our neighbours much
but even if she was living in Australia
I felt her smile

her voice
I never heard it
but I knew what it sounded like
deep
but smooth like honey
comforting and sweet
the best sound in the world
the only reason I could fall asleep at night

her gay posts on G+
the place we met
the place where I learned
she was gay as heck
the place I learned
I was bi as heck
the place she gave me a nickname
It had been a nice thing to do when you were young,
sending kiss emojis to your friends.
She took this as a romantic gesture
yet knew that when I did it, it was for fun.
She called me 'Frenchy'.
as in french kissing
except we said it was short for something else
'French fries', the American way of saying 'chips'
I found it fun
I called her 'Lavender'
Because I love the smell of it
I love the name
it helps me fall asleep still
plus
I could call her 'Lav' for short
which sounds like 'Love' if you think about it

I didn't mean it in any way like that though
Not at the time.

There were many things she said to me
that I will keep forever
locked away in the deep dungeons of my heart
never to be exposed
for fear someone might know too much
no friends for me, thank you. no one could be like KC.

However there is one thing I would like to share.
I posted a picture because I liked it's background.
It's quote meant nothing to me
at the time
It said

'I just want someone to hold me and tell me I'm not as worthless as I think I am.'

Only one comment.
From KC.
From Lavender.
She said

"You're not worthless Frenchy, you're priceless."

I,
being the way I was at the time,
replied with a
"Thanks Lavender, you too

She loved me
and I her..
their lives made rich
this living wagging
being is embedded
in her soul..
their sharing of
each her pain
no separation then
or now..
both courageous in
life's offered struggles
seeking air and sun..
of play and joys
car rides and tennis *****
puzzles.. even rules
memories by the score..
a shadow box
now these memories fill
the shadow conceals
a shared and glowing
Light...

I just thought it would work...
that somehow despite the baggage,
we could still make it through...
but i was wrong...
like most often...
my arms just got so tired, my feet so sore, my back so numb
and I had to lay the baggage down
and you with it...
because you were never perfect and neither was I.
i tried to convince myself, but i fooled everyone

What do we do when this thing was doomed from the start, when both participants were always intended to leave?  It still hurts the same...but can i be blamed...

I need you to be patient while I try to remember
Infinite losses were made when I was born in September
I knew I've always been different in multiple aspects
No comas just a period next to the asterisk ".*"
I know I'm not crazy or even delusional
I've just been getting let down a bit more than  usual
I wish I could show you what Im willing to give on a separate occasion
It's hard summing up the losses and figuring out the equation
I know this poem sounds sad but it's really not
Im just trying to display what I've really got
This whole time I always believed my life had ******
But I swear until you first kissed me I never believed in good luck..