you should never love someone who can't love you. you'll end up with 11 empty beer bottles and smashed glass on the floor when you realize every single word you've ever said has meant nothing to them. when you realize everyone knows every single breath they've ever taken has meant the ******* world to you, you'll remember smashing the 12th beer bottle on the ground after you called them and left a voicemail; you begged for 5 good reasons why you're not enough. you'll be sitting on your bathroom floor ******* near killing yourself, when they call back and make you drop that glass shard faster than the bullet you imagined running through your temple left that barrel. you'll hear their voice and convince yourself that it sounds like a love song but we all know there's nothing but pity passing those lips. that's when they'll say those 4 words that you've been telling yourself since the day you realized you'd be as good as dead if you couldn't tell them you loved them. if you couldn't scream, or kiss, or trace 'I love you' into their skin there was no point in breathing. but they tell you "I can't love you" and you feel your bones break beneath you, you feel every single cell shiver and quiver within your flesh. like a fist smashing a cheek bone you're spun around and knocked down with no chance to retaliate. you'll hear their even breathing on the other end of the line while you're gasping for whatever air is left in the room. you should never love someone who can't love you.

I fell in love with the way my name rolls off of your drunken tongue and you slur your way through the consonants. I fell in love with the way your touch wounds me with something like a bullet hole and you leave nothing but a band aid. I fell in love with the way I hear your voice scream "stop" through the smoke in my charring lungs. I fell in love with the way I can see your face at the bottom of my bottle, because we all know you mix best with whiskey. I fell in love with the way you watch me drive through red lights with a wicked grin across your lucid face. I fell in love with the way you leave a toxic haze everywhere you go, you make it impossible to not get drunk on you.

i keep writing about you, everyone is telling me my words are "beautiful, raw, meaningful" and i don’t know why but maybe it's because all these words are written for you and you’re beautiful in a way, maybe raw is a better word but, what they don’t know is that i stare at this blank ******* page for hours and all i feel is rage a stomach churning, heart wrenching rage, and anger and frustration because i write down all these words but none of them ever say what i need them to say; none of these ******* words i write ever seem to tell them how i feel about you but maybe if actions could be translated into words i could write down me shouting and cursing about you in my car while I'm alone and speeding down the highway because your favourite song came on my ******* playlist again and i swore i could hear you singing alone next to me; i would write me standing in the shower while i let the scolding hot water burn through my skin as i try to think of the exact moment i realized i would never be whole again if i didn’t ******* have you, if I couldnt call you mine, then i would write me shutting off the water in defeat and at an utter loss because i realized i have never even had you to begin with, i've never been whole because you've always had the missing piece; i would write how a fire starts burning in my chest whenever i hear about you and her, i’ve never envied another human being so much before, it's a physical pain that a bullet hole or a train wreck  could never compare to; i would write how my eyes sting as i continue to stare at this god ****** ceiling in this empty room at 3am missing you, being up that late is only fun when you're around,

i wish you would stick around.

i have no way to end this because
there’s no poetic way to say that i feel like ******* **** every time i realize i will never know what it feels like to be wanted by your heart and your hands, i'll never be a name on your list of ex lovers and i won't be a name on your list of hopefuls, either. i'm nothing to you but you're the air i breathe.

have you ever wondered how it must feel to drown?
to have water rush into your desperately deflating
lungs and create tidal waves within your rib cage?
have you ever wondered how it must feel to burn?
to feel every inch of your trembling skin catch flame
and spread heat throughout your draining corpse?
have you ever wondered how it must feel to love?
to know that you would drown and burn for another
person every second of every day just to hear their
heartbeat and to see happiness in their worn eyes?
have you ever wondered if loving someone is really
worth the pain or maybe dying by the hands of waves
and flames has always been more appealing than
loving someone who could so easily **** you, too?

I'm trying to escape this body but I'm trapped
I'm hammering my fists against the walls of my veins
but there's no way out and no way in
I'm left alone in this dark space that used to be my mind
there's nothing left here besides my slowly deteriorating corpse
I'm sorry

you don't realize this but you have eyes filled with stars and a mind composed of galaxies and I am infatuated with every last word rolling off of your tongue I swear you could make a hurricane warning sound like a love song you're the type of danger every father warns his daughter about but maybe that's why I never leave a bottle unfinished because I know you'll always be waiting for me at the bottom