I don’t wanna be with anyone until they are able to make me feel the way you made me feel. I love jack as a human and I think he’s amazing and I so badly wish I could allow myself to be with him because he definitely does make me happy, but when I received that playlist from him without having to ask multiple times or even ask at all I felt nothing. I remember so clearly I got the link to the playlist you made me when I was going on cig walk and I opened it and immediately smiled and played it and I couldn’t wipe away that smile from my face, I was so happy, I don’t think I'd ever been happier I don’t think my smile went away for so long and I felt like jumping and dancing and wow I’ve just never felt that much happiness. Yeah, you make me sad, a lot, like the saddest I’ve ever been, the only person I’ve ever cried for but the amount you also made me happy just makes up for all of it. I love how you can make me so sad and so happy, and I love arguing with you because you’re the only person I can argue with without feeling like you’re going to leave me, I don’t ever want to stop talking to you and I don’t think I am emotionally capable of ever getting over you fully. Sure someday I’ll move on and I’ll be happy on my and maybe even find someone else that makes me that happy but I refuse to believe that one day I could just wake up and stop loving you. I love you so very unconditionally, I don’t expect anything back from you, and I don’t desire for us to have a relationship, I don’t expect you to be nice to me or love me back, I will just always love you. I am so scared that I’m never going to want anyone as much as I wanted you. Oh my goodness just seeing a picture of you or even staring at your blank Instagram profile made me so happy and I’m scared I’m not capable of feeling that for anyone else. I just thought and still do think everything about you is so beautiful from your eyes to your lips, YOUR TEETH, your smile, your laugh, your hands, your legs, the way you walk, OH MY GOODNESS I REALLY DID FALL IN LOVE WITH THE WAY YOU TALKED, and your voice is just so beautiful. I loved everything about you and you were all that was on my mind for so long, I wanted the whole world to see you the way I did and I tried so hard for that to happen. I love you so much. I’m afraid I’m never gonna wanna be with someone as much as I did you or kiss and touch anyone as much as I did with you. You just make me feel so much and I am so grateful for that. Of course, I would have loved for you to feel the same way as I did or at least half as much, and obviously, I am still heartbroken by you, we were so close, but I guess it just wasn’t enough, I am not what you want and I am okay with that, of course, I could never be angry at you for emotions you cannot control. Obviously, I wish you could and I’m sure you wish that as well. I think I forced myself to feel over you because I was so angry and I felt so numb but I am ready to accept that I’m probably never going to be fully over you even if I move on I will always love you. Wow, I wish we could’ve been together that would’ve been so nice, I love you so much. I hope that in the future we can think about this and I hope you loved me at least a little.

I can't stop thinking about all those times I said no
all those times I said I didn't want to when
when I pushed you off my body
"But why don't you want me to, you're so hot, I would want everyone to see my body if it looked like that," you said
as my eyes filled up with tears
I got up and left as I began to hear loud noises of objects being thrown to the floor as you screamed in anger
I was so scared
I waited at your porch in the freezing weather while the snow poured down, only wearing a long sleeve shirt knowing it would be hours until I was able to get picked up
thirty minutes later you came outside apologizing for your anger promising you just wanted me to be warm and safe and that you were done trying to use my body
I believed him and went back into his room
you turned on the tv and began to touch me again in all the same places
I looked at you with tears in my eyes and stayed silent while you did as you pleased

ive done everything i ever could to be easy to love
i let people walk all over me and stay silent when they hurt me
i let people say whatever they want and i brush it off
i let people use me and abuse me for their own pleasure
i let people do whatever made them happy even if i wouldn't feel the same

ive been putting every single person in my life above myself
only thinking about how they feel
just so id be easy to love
but every one still leaves me
why cant they stay
i do everything for them
why cant they do the same