"I'm thinking of a good quote"

i sat
       in my room
       in complete isolation
      
i know
       the attack
       is coming again

but there
       she was, standing
       a face covered by hair

i felt
       numbness started to fade
       and now im about to burst

her cry--
       the loudest of all the silent cries--
       broke my heart
      
finally, i shed
       my unwept tears of eons
       twas when i felt alive

You’re gone
long before you were mine
Or is it?
I'm not even in the place to tell
I’ve drowned myself in these thoughts
In dreams I wished I would never wake
And I kept crawling back to a place
Where pain and bliss both reside
The night whispered to me, “It’s so close"
With a blanket left hanging
Chilling me to the bone
Alas, I opened my eyes and basked in the sun
The long night is gone
But the day I was hoping for
Never came

Pagod ka na,
Gumising at bumangon
Gusto mo nalang mamahinga
Sawa ka na,
Mag-isip nang mag-isip
Para lang malibang ka
At ayaw mo na,
Mabuhay,
      maglakad
            at kumain
Nang mag -isa

Pero baka kasi bukas
    Okay na
Sana bukas
    Okay pa

You wouldn't look me in the eyes
So I stared upon the stars
And hope they'd bounce them to yours

naghahabol at maghahabol ka ng oras
kailan ka mauuna?
kailan siya mapapagod?
ang iyong kamatayan ay isang paghirang
ng isang manghuhusga
maaaring ikaw
maaaring siya
pipili ka nang nakapiring
bigyang kalayaan ang iyong kamay
upang ituro ang salamin

there's always this one reason
that made us all a poet
and that lonesome experience
we never wanted

maybe,
        'maybe' is the easiest word to say
        cause we never have to commit on something

maybe,
        'maybe' is the safest state to stay
        cause we always know when to leave

but maybe,
        maybe it is entirely different
        on the receiving end

I have two problems
           one is missing
           missing is another
I don’t know which one is worse
But I know
           both hurts
Who could have saved me
But me
           Stop.
You could have saved me
           from drowning
But all you did
           was to turn a blind eye
In front of me was missed
           miss;
           you are missed
And within me
           was a mess
           a shattered belief
I knew that moment both needs a resolve
And I thought I was there
I thought I could
           save myself from missing
           and find what's missing

I believe the moon swallows sorrows
Of people adoring her more than the sun

(H)ow could I be both happy and sad?
(A) paradox neither I could understand
(P)ity me for being nothing other than a
(P)iece of memory inside your blurry past
(Y)earning for the years where I’m only happy, not sad
(B)affled by somebody who’s supposed to be there for you
(I)nstead of playing the game you hated much
(R)ecalling a single day of different years
(T)rying to trick myself that I’m the one you’re celebrating with
(H)ow I wish I was the last one
(D)ancing the girl with the most beautiful eyes
(A)way from grief, you drifted me with this great ill(us)ion
(Y)oung lady, forgive me for loving you this long

****
                     it's
        a draft

1 .
      2
1     m     e     t     e     r

When you've been isolating yourself
     for such a long time and
Social distancing was made common

That made me feel

N O R M A L

for 3 days so far

How can someone forgive himself
for not becoming?
I guess I'll dream for another life

"it's all about preference"
no, it's not that you prefer coffee over beer
there's a fine line
between quietly sitting
and quietly seething;
there are days for coffee
and there are days when you just really feel stupid
sometimes it's funny

we measure happiness
with the difference
of how sad we've become

i hate myself for not writing those lines that went through my head
sometimes, a tickle of regret makes me pause for a moment
a helpless try to recover those lines
like trying to grab dunes of sand;
not letting a single drop
but it's just a memory—
words that don't even rhyme

if not for hesitation
who else is to blame for not writing them?
these ones barely survived

I dream
a lot
and I
remember
most of them—
streets
lights
names and faces
of strangers
even emotions
speeches
dance
they came
like
renditions
sometimes
it feels
like they’re
a prophesy