I wanted it so much
to hear the words and feel your touch
to be happy
I did not know that for the rest of my life I would feel this gap, I
I asked around for you
thinking I would find you
When I found you, you've already forgotten
You've found something better
No longer did you want me
let along need me
I guess my search was in vain
A fatherless child I remain

Every morning is a feast
if you really think about it
You're alive and breathing
You have clothes, a roof over your head and food
You have people who care for you
But most important you have God who cares for you
He will never fail to
Accept Love

Low, down,under
Almost drowning
Kick, push, hold on
It gets harder when you're counting
I'm weak, in doubt and fear
Down know where the shore is
Love, hope and faith
That's what keeps me floating

I'm still wondering if I'm good enough
Just to keep your love

sometimes I get insecure
like I did before
before I was sure that you were here for me

I don't want to give in to my thoughts
I don't want to be afraid
But I wonder why your still here with me

You are here
With me
But you're different
Somehow you've changed
You're not the person I made memories with
It's your body but not your ways
Dealings are different
I miss you

Whenever I get used to it
You come and do something
Something the old you would do
Not to much but enough to keep me there
Are you afraid of losing me?
Or just to selfish to let me move on?
I guess this is the new you...I should get used to
I try to leave but I don't want to miss you

■SSCSX

Something keeps pulling me
to where I am,
and where I don't want to be
If only people could see
What this does to me

My eyes hurt because I force myself to keep them open.
When I close my eyes I see scenes I cant forget,
I have regrets.
I'm a sinner and yet,
I complain.
I complain that people don't remember my name.
I complain when I get the wrong order.
I complain about life.

But I'm grateful for the strength in my legs.
For my legs that support my body when walking.
The ability to hold a pen and write.
Sense of humor, friends, family and air.
I am thankful for my eyes,
they help me see.
Not just see what I have now,
also what in the future will be.

I don't think people understand
how much more it hurts when they say things such as
you'll get over it, feel better or its probably just the weather
my feelings are very real still I endeavor to succeed
constantly battling my self and being on the edge of losing
my mind is strong and my body is weak
That's why when I feel low Gods guidance I seek

I was always different
from what people expected
I know I'm still so immature
I still learn from  my life lessons
so many responsibilities that I have neglected
my vision was always strong in a different direction
had a lot that I had bottled inside
I couldn't express it
Pain wont leave me for a day
I can feel the depression
Its taking over my body, mind and soul
Its like I'm always stressing
People tell me that I should sleep
but I'm always so restless
I lay awake at night and think
my thoughts are so helpless
Do I need a moment to breath?
Just a moment to vent this?
I seem to be the only person
that I play pretend with
*When all the lights go out
what am I really left with?

Sailing these wild waves
Dark deep oceans
You are my lighthouse
■SSCSX

Almost everyday we meet new people
There was a day when I met you
I might not exactly Remember where
and how, but is that really important?
We became friends and still are, now that Is important
We might not talk every week or month,
See each other that often...Is that a big deal?
I have come to Realize that Situations change
And because of this people can change
and that's Ok
We just have to Remember what Love really is, as 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a states:
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous. It does not brag, does not get puffed up, 5 does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. 6 It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails.

Waste time
not enjoying
seeing you is becoming a burden
we didn't expect this
it just is
we both feel the same
but still we stay together

we all grow on our own
going separate ways
what made us think we were different
still we wont accept it
nor will we work on it

Because if you do it right
moments of silence and emptiness
can be filled with
memories and hope
that give you joy

For the past days I've thought about a lot of things
Lately there have been many announcements,
from baby showers to wedding rings

Not that I'm looking for any of that at the moment
I just realized that I've been less focused
Distracted by what I want
blind for what I got

It's not fair
you don't get to feel what I feel
but at the end of the day you are always here

I'm slowly dying
wanting to like what you're supplying
wanting to like your personality,
your speech, drive, just you in totality

But I can't
You hurt me daily, not sure if its on purpose
You belittle me, make me feel bad about myself
never good enough and always at fault

But...
I love that your consistent, always there
I love that you physically care
I love how you push me to my limit sometimes
I love that I can be myself with you any time

How can I let go?
When I don't like you
But I love you

When I remember that you see and observe me
I feel protected
People walk past me day and night, I could forget
Since this life is so hectic
A person who loves you and will never forget you
Who will never make you feel neglected
Who cares for you all the time, not only when in need
It makes my heart grow in a world that is trying to shrink it
But you Jehovah are bigger than this world
and greater than my heart

A battle between the heart and the mind
you've caused me to see things that can't be unseen
my heart truly loves you but my mind know its not right
I'm indecisive, I should leave but I don't
My want to be with you is stronger that the pain I should carry
I'm selfish not taking care of myself
to take care of you
I hurt me by loving you

It's hard to get over them
When spoken words remind me of those days
When men were boys who had no toys
postures and behaviors trigger
Yes, they trigger me
Figures, I can not trust this space
Smells take me back to the places,
I see faces and shapes that wait
I promise the truth when I say
'I'm not overreacting,
but my mind and body are."

You hurt me
my heart wants to get you back but my mind knows its wrong
Two wrongs don't make it right
so why hurt you back
When you love someone you pray  they change
Soon you'll accept they'll always be the same
No revenge
I choose forgiveness
|SSCSX

"I love you"
~trigger warning~
does He mean it or is it just to say?
He stares at me
~trigger warning~
He leans in
I feel uncomfortable
~trigger warning~
"I CAN'T"
I screamed as I pushed him away
This takes me back yesterday

After all I did for you, I will not take this...
...How dare you?

-Pride

I mean...
If I was you,
I wouldn't be with me either.

When it falls
Some men complain
It keeps them weak and they feel stuck

When its dry
Some men complain
It is too hot and nothing grows

But realize
Do not complain
Cause both are good but they dont know

Time is the key
And patience a must
What you  make from it is in your hands

Death seems to come closer as the days are over

I look for inspiration
to write words you'll never read.
But my heart is full of it, words that you'll never hear.
I talk about you to others to fill the void.
I should be done by now, but what I feel I can't avoid.
The pain inside is to much to carry.
Sometimes I doubt my existence,
am I real or am I imaginary.

Unspoken words flow through my pen
They are the tear that cannot leave my eyes
And thoughts that linger to the halls of my mind
Trying to find ways out without doors to meet
I'm blue but words beat me up until I'm black
Scars that remind me its real
Bruised by life's ways
Most days,
I cannot take it
That's when I bleed on pages
Samantha | © 2017