i have to search my heart time and time again
for the love i once had for you

amidst the constant drowning of fear, hatred, and deafening words
the silence of life swallows every ounce of love i could conjure

i dig deeper until my hands are numb
thinking that if i found a piece of the memories that were
joyous, patient, and true
that maybe it will bring me back to you

the you i once loved
but searching for that now
i can see no more
the empty canvas where love should be painted
leaves me nothing anymore

There are moments in life.
Then there are moments, in life.
It's a gift to know exactly when
you discovered what love really is.
It was laying ear to ear with you,
So quiet I can almost hear your thoughts.
Cheeks pressed together,
yours so much softer than mine.
Laying, our backs on the cooled pavement
watching the sky spread out,
and the world roll over.
It's knowing I see you in a way few if any will.
A beauty that stretches past words.
Unfindable in any magazine or movie.
A living breathing diamond.
Intangible and unequaled.
It was the late night rides with the windows down.
The heat of the day dying on the breath of the wind.
The entire air charged with nostalgia.
Full of thoughts of friends and memories and feelings.
Watching the headlights cut the darkest parts of the night.
Thinking I'd die before I could find a way
to explain exactly what you mean to me,
but knowing I'd never be so happy to try for the rest of life itself.

With each deep mark
I make on my skin
You said that it kills you
On the inside

Well, honey
My insides died along time ago
And that's why the marks
No longer cause me sorrow

Though I don't like seeing
The way your eyes dim
When I tell you that the tally marks
Have increased in quantity

So maybe I'll stop
So I don't cause you pain
Or maybe I'll hide it from you
Like the way I do with everyone else

How are you?
the age old question
when we were younger we were trained to say
good thank you
how are you?
politely staring up

How are you?
the age old question
when we are teenagers we say
i'm fine
but how are you?
hiding our emotions
bottling them up

How are you?
the age old question
when we are grown we say
doing well
how are the kids?

But its all an illusion
none of us are really doing fine
none of us want to know how your kids are doing
and we are tired of polite silent stares

so i dare you
next time someone ask the age old question
How are you?
tell them truth
release your bottled up emotions and let them roam
and ponder
and then you will be free

Someday we will have DJs at funerals.
I should know. I DJ'd a wedding once.
Well I shan't say I DJ'd the wedding.
I merely pressed play on the tiny boom box (SONY) and here comes the bride.
Twas a beautiful wedding.
A black wedding.
The bride was my first cousin Tamara.
Yes the whole thing was beautiful.
Stop it already.

A scant 4 years later I attended her death.
A rainy morning.
A call.
Awoken early
the morning sun not up.

I have a photograph taken July 27, 2003 maybe!
My brother her sister and I on a Carribean cruise. I'm sticking a tongue out. I was mad at the fine Bahamian wearing fake dreads making money by posing for photos for the non-natives. But if you bypass my tongue in the photograph you can see her. You can see the foursome of us smiling with some random Bahamian fake dread.

If you look slightly left in the photograph you can see her smile.
Her smile.
Her joie de vivre.

A moment if you will allow me. Away from the boat the Bahamian boys would not leave her alone. They would whistle, catcall, stare and menace. But she was my family. She was my cousin. Her protector and her friend. Those boys' eyes would follow us. But when I held her hand down the boardwalk they did not dare come within punching distance.

I will refrain from her beauty.
Her elegance.
Her ability to tell me to 'shut the **** up' with only a glance.

Somewhere buried I have the video of her wedding.
I can't watch it anymore but perhaps I should.
I need to see her happy again.
Beautiful again and
looking forward.


United States