When you feel that burn way deep in your chest; the one that forbids you from getting any rest.

When you feel that sting all around your eyes, the one that tells you, you need to cry.

When you feel that ache of being used, and you don’t know what you did, or what to do.

When you feel that panic of not knowing a thing, and he doesn’t care, and yes it stings.

When you feel that sadness of being stomped and crushed, and its getting hard to keep holding up.

When you feel the need to lock the door and find your glass and count to four.

When you feel the urge to break your skin and watch it bleed cause you’re hurting within.

When you lay in bed in the middle of the night, and you know what’s wrong, but not what’s right.

When you miss him so much, and its killing you slow, cause to him you are nothing,

and that much,

you know.

and here are the reasons why no one tells you to go be a third cultured person:

its not easy.

When you are one of us,
different and foreign are not even a blip on your radar,
(because my life has always been detachment - meeting and smiling and beginning to say "hi", only to have to wave goodbye.)
you will always be different and foreign, belonging to a place is a wish and not a reality, home has always meant people as opposed to a place (not that people are at all constant).
leaving is normal too, just pack your bags and go go go, doesn't matter if you never come back, onto a new place now, and goodbyes are hard -- but seldom unexpected.

when you are one of us, you are shifting and turning and never never staying, always changing and moving forward, frighteningly frighteningly fast, all impermanence and hopeful, but broken promises-- you will perhaps stay in one place for some period of time.
(you will never belong)

I say your name
and my heart becomes
a little kid
pulling me towards the
candy aisle with both hands
ignoring my protests
of no time
no money
and it’s been too long
since I last saw a dentist
so who knows if my teeth
could handle your sweetness

I say your name
and we’re just two
kids in love again
stopping in the middle
of an empty street
to kiss open mouthed
like you are an oxygen tank
and I’m at the bottom
of the deepest ocean

I say your name
and I’m looking at
engagement rings
while calculating costs
and telling the clerk
behind the counter
that I plan to marry you

I say your name
and it is like water
after a hundred year drought
sweet and light
on my tongue

I say your name
I say your name
I say your name
and it’s like coming home

do you ever feel like there are mountains and oceans and stars and galaxies that you are meant to explore. but you're human so you are grounded and can't fly and can't escape this little life you have to call yours. but then you see your brother smile or your mother cry or your best friend laugh so hard you just have to bend over with her on the floor. and suddenly all those mountains you thought you had to climb you were actually carrying and they were weighing you down. so far down that you were sinking past the earth's crust into the depths of the ground leaving everything and everyone behind. every first kiss you have ever had. every first book. first song. first dance. and all of your lasts too. your last goodbye to the boy you thought you loved and your grandma who always wanted to travel the world but never did.
and within the chaotic mess of your little life you have to have. you realize all the mountains and oceans and stars and galaxies you're meant to explore are already inside you.