I took every punch
I got ***** with my head buried
I took it laying down
Like a *****
Curled up in the fettle position
Getting curb stomped
And ran over
Like a *****
But I guess it's time
I whip my **** out
Let my nuts drop
Start giving *** whooping's
Time to start *******
Instead of getting ******
She's out of my life
These emotions made me a *****
No longer a problem
So **** it
She didn't care all that much
No worries I have another woman
Ten times better than anyone
You can find in a mirror

Smoking on this blunt
Sitting on the edge of the roof
No longer the runt
Drinking and toking like a goof
Guess my rhyming skills are rusty
But just listen to the world
These old work pants dusty
Every mind swirled
Just listen as the smoke fills the air
Man this **** must be laced
Or the alcohol makes me no longer care
I wonder if my fall could be traced
To all these lonely nights
Wondering if you're ok
Just listen to the blue lights
Too late at the end of my day

Hands tied to headboards
*** up face blindfolded
She likes it rough
Even as my hand collides with each cheek
She likes the way both holes
Get ravaged by the hungry force
My animalistic instincts produce
She likes it rough
Being thrown from her knees to her back
Hair pulled as my hands grasp more
She gasping even harder
Moans coming out in squeals
She didn't know it was this fun
Filling her with the decadence of life
Not knowing which hole it feels better in
She likes it rough
She only wants to be my *** slave
For every one of my lives
She knows my heart is empty
That's way she loves me
Her moans for more echo
So we both know how good it is

In echoed darkness
I wonder what life would be like
With you on my arm
I walk through parks
In the late hours of dusk
To wrap my head around streetlight
Hoping the light bulbs turn on
With ideas on how to fix this
I spend endless nights scrolling through
The dusty collection of phone calls
Searching your number
Debating to text you or call
Searching your name
On social media
Thinking what I could send you
To let you know I still care
But no amount of notifications
Could describe my endless feelings for you
I find myself searching
For ways to tell you I love you
Nothing ever comes
So I lock the screen
And drift back into the darkness
My world became after we went silent
Do you think it ever gets better
Or does it remain this desolate
When love leaves you vacant

Shows over already?
Wasn't much of one to start
Bad comics cheap wine
Why the hell did I pay for this
Call the curtains
Let them fall
You wouldn't have survived me
So lets rewind
And let the events we witnessed
Be a path we never took

I want to hear your heartbeat
Wake up to your smile
Know that neither one of us is going anywhere
It's the dim lights of morning
That make me see how truly aspiring you are
How beautiful you are
I know what I want
I want the sweet sound of bacon
Sizzling on the stove
Coffee on the ***
Filling the whole house with good morning beautiful
Breakfast in bed on the days we both don't have to work
Dinner already ready
Late nights buffets of each others company
I know I want you in my bed
Every night just to cuddle
The sound of little feet
Pit-patting up the stairs
The not so sneaky laughter
Of our beautiful children
Ready to pounce on us
I know what I want
I'm ready for every possible scare
I'm prepared for the hours of labor
The screaming and superhuman strength
The cries of our newborn
The late night bottle feedings
The up and at em diaper changes
The racing around Walmart
Chasing after the little ****
The laughter we'll both share
When we realize we forgot the diaper bag
The oh **** feeling when I know I ****** up
Forgot to grab a gallon of milk
The U-turns I'll make just to make you happy
I know what I want
The masquerading of feelings
At least on the day I pop the question
I know I want this
The life of a father
The life as your love
Your best friend
Everything you want me to be
I know I want it
Especially just being yours
I want it all
Every waking minute of knowing I love you
Every sleeping second knowing your next to me
I might not be made of money
I might not be perfect
I may be half a man with these scars
But with you by my side
I know I'll be more than your man
I know what I want
I want you to call me your teddy bear
No awkward name like snugglewuggle
Call me insane when I write poems
Trying to capture how much I love you
I want those kisses when I get home
Throw the keys on the table
Grab you and hold you just for the hell of it
Pick you up and start dancing
Just so I can hear your laugh
I want to call you from work
Just to see how your day is going
Get you to laugh if its been bad
Make you smile bigger if been good
Show up at your work
To bring you lunch
Even if you already have one
Take you on dates even when we're together
I want to keep the passion between us alive
You know what
I know what I really honestly want
That's a lifetime with you

To loved ones young and old
To friends and family
We say farewell
In our own unique way
I'll tell you later
There's no doubt we'll meet again
In a life promised to us in books
Or maybe its just reassure you
You'll see me happier from afar
You say goodbye
You're never to sure
If you'll meet again
Probably getting it in
Because you had the chance
We say farewell
When all we want to do is say hello
A text a call even a poem
Hoping that you're reading
Not to sure
Because you're afraid to ask
Well guess what I'm not
I couldn't care less
We had our chance
Now emotions sit collecting dust
Waiting for another chance
To be offered off at auction
We say farewell
In petty fights
Over lame *******
That could have been prevented
We get ****** and storm off
Say ******* and have a nice life
Not knowing that tomorrow
The other could die
We say farewell
In so many ways
Well I said all my goodbyes
I got tired of telling you later
Because later apparently meant
Three years from now
When the lights in your heart turned back on
But its over
My life is no longer your concern
Never was from the start
But by all means
Continue lurking in the background
Keep posted on what's to come
We say farewell
But I have one more thing
To send you off with...

If only you knew what I had in stored for you
What I'm bringing to the table
A secret weapon you weren't ready for
Don't let me open up the briefcase
It'll only spell bad news for you
When memories.of emotions flood you
But if you thought the distance was great
It will only double
Because when its all revealed
I'll truly have the last laugh
You'd **** yourself
If you thought I was joking
Sad to say but but I'm more open
Than a prostitutes legs
Yet you couldn't understand the language
When only the blind can see through me

I'm fighting tears
My older brother
Laying in a hospital bed
Infection on a heart valve
Doctors saying I dont care
He's states away
*** am I supposed to
Make a 25 year old man
Take his medicine
When he's too busy getting high
Trying to survive this world
***** of a mother
More friend and foe
Bundled into a sunk in face
And fat rolls buckling knees
You're ******* kidding me
If you think I'll let him die
I'll pay his way out here
Have him move in with me
Straighten out his life
Because I'd rather get buried first
It could happen
I could lose my brother
The guy that tried to **** me
When I was only two
The guy I dropped on his head
Because he decided to steal from me
Sure he's not the perfect person
Or the ideal roommate
But he's still my family
And I'll be ******
If I let him die
When the rest dont care about him
Sure he's a drug addict
Like that ***** that gave birth to us
So what that he has a tendency
To be a complete *******
But I'll try my damnest
To see that he lives longer than me
It could happen
And I'm too far to do a **** thing
If it happens
Two bodies will be buried
That woman who says she's a mother
And my brother

It's raining it's pouring
The old man is snoring
Its a childish lullaby
Soothing chaos in falling skies
But as the thunder sounds
Silence befalls even the mightiest beast
So why do I still weep
As the melody ends

Covering a faceless tear session
Losing it all before my eyes
Mentality breaking
Physically erupting
I feel like imploding
But these gentle rain drops
Cease the fire in me
Before the pressure is built
It takes time to erase thick lines
But these clouds overhead threaten existence
Painted portraits pixelating
As the sky unveils
More tears I never cried

She said tomorrow
But tomorrow never comes
Yesterday was history
And today she remains silent
A lurking nomad
Trying to find home
But caves were made for bats
Why dwell in my chest?

It wasn't a gentle voice
Soothing my aim
Violence and fear in eyes wide
Coaxing my finger from the trigger
Screams echoing from her belly
"put the gun down"
I dont remember how I got here
To this point of breaking
Too much blood drained
From wrist shackled by these human tendencies
I've lived in this world for all too long
So many reasons but the biggest was rejection
Anger boiling over once more
Flashbacks as to why I aimed this pistol
At the temple of these voices
Nuclear warfare on this chapel of anguish
Blood hungry savages yearning
Pleading with insanity
Pull the trigger
There...
THERE IT WAS AGAIN!!
She's calling out for me
To save her?
No. Save me
From my suicidal reflection
Aiming the pistol
At his head

I called it our poem
A reminder of how much I loved you
I knew what I wanted
With heart beats starting musicals
Pit pat of tiny feet
Joining in to add a rhythm
I wonder if you remember
What it was I knew I wanted
But its all a cross fading memory
Ill leave you well enough alone
Maybe I just wasn't the man for you
And you learned that before me

I want you to rid me
From vacant dreams you fight at night
I want you to curse my name
Forsake me into the deepest parts of hell
Its what I deserve
So give to me all that I want
You never allowed me the chance
Of obtaining what I truly wanted with you
Maybe I over shot it
But darling I want you hate me
Hate me like Christians hate Satan
Hate me like water hates rock
I want you to hate me
Because honestly I no longer care
I only have one purpose
And that's to fend for myself
In a world filled with wolves and vipers
So hate me
I know that's the only thing you can give me
The only thing I truly want now
Is your hate piercing through the void
Within my chest and reach my heart

Migrating thoughts
Traveling back home for the winter
Where the weathers warmer
My life went south
When my head went north
I gained a better job
At the price of love
I bought in
While selling out
So without further ado
Ill finish heading south
To farthest reaches of hell
Bask in the flames of ignorance
******* the demons that once haunted me

Chocolates, heart shaped boxes
Teddy Bears holding hearts
Asking to be mine
Reminders we all die alone
So as these flowers wilt away
Know in my heart
You'll always be my only Valentine

Shots of Jack
Your tiny alcoholic son
Grew up to tower over you
But through the *** beating we gave each other
The brawls that broke vacuums
Ruptured holes in doors and walls
Careless acts of rage
You still taught me how to grow up
A pillar of inspiration to never let my addictions
Control the outcome of who I am
59 years old and still able to keep up
I'd fight you today
But we got work tomorrow
I'd sing birthday songs as Christmas Carols
Yet these vocals carry tunes made for war
Not love and affection
So happy birthday pops
And thank you for sticking around
A little longer to guide me into the days
Where I can use my own two feet again
Walking at birth
To standing alone as a man
There couldn't be another dude
That I could call my Pops
I love ya
So don't die on me you old geezer

In songs from Canadian artist
To back street thugs
Saying she's the one they couldn't have
She went by many names
But I knew her real one
From Beethoven to Bon Jovi
Motionless in White to Hollywood Undead
They all wrote about her
When music became oxygen
And all I needed was a symphony
To mend broken lungs
Trying to catch the life
She ripped away from me
When light switches invaded chest cavities

Error
ER...R...RRROR
Threat detected

Its eating away at the tissue
Within my skull
Developing thought and recognitions
To only one word
"Sorry"

Trojan Detected
Delete and Reboot
Error 4.67.B11.809C

How do you protect against an assault
To a dictionary with only one page
Capitalized in bolder print than tattoo ink
"Sorry"
Definition not recognized
What the hell happened to never caring
No longer letting others burden you
With whips and freight
Ox to this world begging for labor
I only have one word
When I **** up like I always do
"Sorry"

Please Restart
You Are In Danger
FILE CORRUPTED

There is no warning
When you become another broken dictionary
Left with one word
And a prayer that it all ends
Excuses begin to pile
Quarantine the problem
It never helps
Just begins a back log of information
Frying your brain quicker than flames on flesh
This life can't begin
If all I'll ever know is one word
With no worth
That couldn't buy me a tear to quench my thirst

She rode into my dreams
On the coattails of comets
Danced with constellations
And juggled planets
She was everything I could want
But reality called at 4:30 in the morning
She wasn't mine
Shackled to ideas that's she's fat
Ugly in every sense
But she had beauty
In the way she carried a smile
With gashes bleeding on her back
She had purpose in her walk
With cast-iron boulders bolted to her ankles
She was the epitome of perfection
Bundle in sweat clothes
Afraid everyone would stare at her ***
Because it shaked a whistle from across the room
She was everything
Any man could hope for
But she was a cab away
A ferry too far
A plane ride too long
She was unreachable
But maybe my heart will stop soon
And take a deeper look
At all the possibilities
That she could be mine
Maybe by then
Every fiber in my body
Will realize
Some dreams just never come true
No matter how many stars
You wish upon
On the early hours of the evening

*** grabs here
Gay men there
Cougars over there
Its not just one way
Its a two way street
We could both avoid
Its never fun when the same *** grabs your ***
Try's to comb your hair
Gets in your face
Begs for a kiss
Take a man sized slap
Four times while I was talking to you
Hung up when **** was getting out of control
Yeah you dont remember that do you
Of course not
Why would you
Cougars with deeper voices than me
Saggy **** and asphyxiating perfume
You got creepy dudes
But I dont see you dealing with lesbians
Its a two way street
So before you tell me I dont or wouldn't understand
Know I'm not the average guy
I make it a mission to understand
But I'm the *******
Because you can't explain how you feel
When the opportunity arises
But dont expect an apology now
Me and you are done
So dont forget your excuse
That you don't know how to talk about your feelings
Or how to express them because you showed anger
Pretty ******* well
Its never just one way
But with you
Its always construction in the other lane

Hey Bartender
I'd like three shots of whiskey
Here's to the ******* in me
For apparently not caring
Because one bad joke
Led her to get ******
Without me realizing it
You think she'd tell you
It offended her
That way you could apologize
But delayed reactions cause pauses
In thoughts and roughly
I can't stand being ******* at
For **** I didn't realize I ****** up on
So I tried to make a peeping tom funny
While trying to show I cared
Because I didn't want you to be viewed
Like drive through ****
So three shots whiskey
Here's to the ******* in me
For not knowing why you were ******
You never wanted to say it
You never explained it
And before we had a fight
All you had to do was say
Hey ******* this is why you ****** me off
But no, I'm a mindreader
I'm a California psychic
Able to tell you your thinking tacos
Over a thousand miles away
I'm the amazing Gorvoski!!
I know all see all
Let me look into my crystal ball
Three shots whiskey
Here's to the ******* in me

Her body close to me
I never meant to chase her
She scouted me from across the room
Hands exploring every curve
Double D's firmly cupped
My calloused hands wanting to travel
Cradle the edge of her chin
As her lips press against mine
Alcohol taking over
These X pills kicking in
******* it why did it have to be like this
Finally feeling the softness of a woman's touch
After chasing my own tail
Hoping her feelings would come to meet mine
But anger blinded me
Love asphyxiating my judgement
True I stopped caring
But ******* I love this feeling
******* again for the first time
Since I said I love you
The third time since we stopped talking
I dont even know how I made it through work today
Candy lips still stuck on mine
How did I survive today
Two hours of sleep
Begging for morning ***
Before she's out the door
**** my life is so much better
Not caring whether I love or not
A major distraction in a minor life
I longed for this day
Enjoyed the last minutes of my birthday
Now I'm headed back to the club
Hoping to forget you
At the bottom of every drink I buy

You couldn't call me on my ****
Tell me I ****** up
Instead you get ******
So when I thank you
For being the only person
Not to tell me happy birthday
Like I asked
You get even more ******
Well *******
And the horse you rode in on
You wanted to leave
Because one bad joke
Well adios I didn't need you
I'm an *******
Always will be
So thanks for proving me wrong
You're just like the rest of them
Only thing different
Is your sense of humor

I'm counting the text and calls
Hearing voicemails while I'm at work
Checking facebook and instagram
Photos of the good days
When worry was a sack of ****
And a bottle of *****
Easily taking care of me
Video games for hours
Time just passing you by
Forgetting what day it was
Or if you missed another year
But I didn't care to hear it from them
I was waiting for you to text me
For you to call
Maybe hearing your voice would make today
Less of another day
And one worth living
20 years old as of today
And valentines day is around the corner
Maybe forgetting me now
Is a better way of saying
I'll be even more lonely four days from now

I can smell the wax burning
20 candles I dont want to blow out
In only 5 hours
I'll have learned 20 more lessons
On how to be a man
They never teach this in school
How to provide for your own
How to love without getting hurt
Its only mathematics and history
Neither which will save me
From dreading the day
I hear infant cries from across the hall
How do prepare for adulthood
When the world only wants to watch you fail
I have 20 birthday candles to blow out
On only a donut
While I'm speeding through traffic
Rushing to work
Because my alarm didn't go off
How do just grow up
When nobody teaches you about life
Its not a manual you can read
Its not a book you can check out
Its just something you learn the hard way
So before you ask me who gave me
Black eyes and broken bones
Know life has been beating the **** out me
Because I was never ready
For a life where only you
Stood before judges and juries
Sentenced to death
For murdering the voices
You grew tired of hearing
20 years I've struggled
Nothing ever got better
I'm still begging
Someone teach me
Before I face tomorrow

Beads of sweat rolling down his back
Her fingernails digging ditches
Run offs for it all to escape
Lungs gasping for air
As he reaches further down her throat
Loaded cannon he aims and fires
She swallows with a grin
They watch from windows
Getting off as they work up more sweat
More moans to fill their desires
**** through a window seal
Ducking and covering with every position swap
Her on her hands and knees
Begging to be ravished from behind
She cries out for it to go deeper
His hand around his ****
Knowing any minute he'll ***
Him slapping her ***
The thrill of the hunt
Chasing her ******
Through every hole she possesses
Making her look like the filth
These peeping toms enjoy

Drugs, lining glass tables
Alcohol, bottles replacing carpets
1996 was the year I overdosed
Born a drug addict
Alcoholic by nature
This is who I am
Whether I like it or not

Friends only wanting gas money
Girls wanting to exact revenge
Thinking I'm a nice guy
Kind hearted easy to fool
Where are they all at now?
Gone when ice covers my chest
Wallet fingerprinted and dusted
Wondering what bill stole my money
Girls come and go
I'm tired of trying
Friends are supposed to be there
Whenever you need them
But vanish when you no longer have
What they need
Everyone I thought was my family
Everyone I thought could except
That I'm more in touch
With the feelings I despise
Would be there forever
Vanished quicker than ice in boiling water
Where are they all at
My world ending
I need support
Instead I get rejection
Maybe oneday when I vanish
They'll see the value of my smile
The worth of my stupid jokes
The reason why I try so hard
To keep you all smiling
Even when I have nothing to smile for
Where are they all at
Turns into where did Robert go

Dear Grandma,
Dear Mom,
Dear Pops,
Dear Bruce,
Dear Travis,
Dear David,
Dear Vanessa,
Dear Tifani,
Dear All My Trusty Friends
DEAR WORLD,
I never understood the point of saying goodbye
Half the time it was never good when we parted
Onto other roads we'll travel
Cardinal directions never crossing our paths
Our own mazes we walked
Labyrinths we struggled to get through
I have a long list of goodbyes to get through
Dear Tabitha,
Guess I should mention you
At least at some point in my final work
After all it was you who opened me up
An untrained surgeon
Performing open heart surgery
Nothing was left to suppress
All my anger silenced
Before your silence awoken it
All the pain kept at bay
Food to this hibernating monster
Teddy bears have feelings too
Only the darkest resides
In the cave within my mountain chest
This long list of goodbyes ends
With a kiss and hopeful wishes
You find the notes I left you all
Goodbye was never a word I liked to use
It was always later
Well I know I'll never see you all ever again
Ill be a cold breeze in your head
As your hearts skip a beat
A signal of my passing
Some secrets are taken to the grave
But I know some of you will chase
The answers to why I left this earth
In such a timely fashion
I never sought empathy or pity
Sympathy was never a thought
I was blessed with
I gave my all at this life
Now its my turn to be silent
As I lay my head down for the last time
Knowing you all know I had you in my thoughts

Field of flowers
How many pedals will fall
The final tally
I love her
She loves me not
She loves me
I love her not
Back and forth
Answers themselves getting confused
How many flowers die
Before the voices in our hearts speak
I love her, she loves me not
She loves me, I love her not
Love, hate, call it complicated
This isn't facebook
But it seems to be more of an obituary
Good flowers died today
Reason unknown as answers aren't found
Who loves who
When nobody loves anybody
Just our reflections and the sound coming
When lips are in motion
I love her, she loves me
She loved me not, I love her not
Love fading or growing
Who can tell anymore
When silence is a better eulogy

Whiskey on her lips
A cigarette barely hanging on
To her index and *******
Scared to fall and set her world on fire
She was lovely
Perfectly ravishing as she fought her intoxication
Said her name was Daisy
But couldn't remember where she parked the general lee
Sadness painted her face
Like ***** to her shoes
Turkey sandwich and a light salad
A fifth of crown chased with a few too many shots
Of her good ole friend Jaeger
She was lovely
As she passed out barely missing the steel
Of a rednecks jacked up Chevy bumper
Waking up with mascara running down both cheeks
Clothes hung neatly next to the bed
She asked if I was the butler
I only said I was the one who saved her
From the woman in her mirror
She was lovely
Blood flushing her cheeks
A cuter kiss then what I could give
Alcohol leads to nightmares
Nights we can't seem to remember
I told her she was lovely
Even after she tried to ruin herself
By painting red walls redder
On toilet seats of forgotten stalls
She laughed and called me crazy
Maybe I am
But who cares
When you witness beauty rise from chaos

Staring blankly into oceanic stars
Searching for my titanic tragedy
Page one of every story
Seems to start off like I'm falling in love
I despise it, these thoughts
Letting cool breezes of comets
Brush through her hair
As if the cosmos aimed
To make her even more heavenly
Page one always seems to say
I can't stop thinking of you
Yet its never the case
I just dont want to stop
I'm an alcoholic to your affection
Growing bored of counting
Every wish I made on shooting stars
It seems I'm writing too much
For too little of a reason
I'll choke on the dream of oxygen
While you drown
Begging for it to leave you
We came from two different worlds
Seems my head floated a little too far
Past the clouds even I knew I should have escaped
While your heart was swimming
On the rim of the deepest trenches
Maybe oneday I'll get tired of writing about you
And your name will disappear into the stars
Like your feelings did at random

Call of the gulls
Cool breeze running its hands
Through every strand of my hair
Waves crashing on the shore
Rolling over toes buried in the sand
Salty scents embedding into every pore
I forgot why I came here
Maybe it was to forget
Or perhaps remember
Ancient days where happiness was as easy
As the ocean reaching shore
I can still hear it over water beating on the rocks
A drum call that awakens sailors
Laughter from her innocent eyes
Glaring out to sea
A dream hidden in the currents
She always wanted to be a mermaid
Now I'm ankle deep in sand that still holds
Every memory we ever made
But I still can't seem to find me
Yet that could be why I'm here
Standing on the edge of our memories
I can still hear all the sobs
Tears falling harder than the ocean tide
I miss it, I miss it all
I wish the hands of time could be reversed
Then stopped at those moments
Where life was as perfect
As the violence beneath the beauty of the sea

Doctor says I'll be fine
Don't know how long I have
Self destructive tendencies
Killing me quicker
Any second I could overdose
Pour one to many shots
A cocktail of chaos
Is this salt or coke
**** it, on the fries they go
I need to sober up
But ****, its a disease
I'm going to die one way or another
Looks like life got worse before better
Guess that's what happens
When the dead try to love the living
When the living forget the dead

Shut up and dance
Take my money
Pour me another drink
Jack and coke
A blunt to go with it all
******* bouncing in my face
How did I get in here
I'm too young
Must have been
The extra $20 I slipped him
I can barely see her
Slowly taking my money
How much to bring you home
How long till I'm broke
**** it
I'll find some *******
Live the life of a politic
Robs going to lose himself
To the darkness wanting to forget
The very thing that brought me light

To be a side thought
All this time driving myself insane
Poem after poem
Conversations worth a ****
Drawings to think you loved me
Like always its all a joke
I had a feeling it was coming
A hole once covered
Reopened in a matter of seconds
I should have took you up
On the offer of forgetting you
But I love when I'm right
When all my fears come true
All of this and for what??
You to never talk to me
Me always starting the conversations
Hey **** it
I wont lose any sleep
All of this was just a wake up call
That love is pointless
Just a waste of time
Hours spent trying to talk to you
Waiting for a reply
Oh well another got away
Can't **** what's already dead
Guess we died without a word
Who's fault was it?
Dont matter
What's the point
All of it was just *******
I fed myself thinking love was possible in my life

Questions no answers
All these things
Beating on my skull
You're the only one that can help
But you hide
So why should I try to continue?

What it was like to cry
The way tears ice cold
Would feel acidic on my cheeks
Rolling down my face
Children playing on hills
What it was like to smile
The way lips still pink with life
Would bend upwards to my ears
Bringing joy to my face
Balloons inflating at each corner
What it was like to laugh
The way sounds echoed from my belly
Would sound amazing early in the morning
Pushing for you to enjoy
Annoying children wanting attention
What it was like to love
The way she smelled after a shower
Would drive me crazy as my nostrils flared
Begging to be brought closer and remembered
Homeless people with their hands outreached
What it was like to be complete
The way it gathered my senses
Would echo only my worries
Knocking on every door in the corridors of insanity
Orphans just looking for love
I forgot all these things that started me
Just empty shells and broken glass remain
Cardboard homes and lost hopes
Gathering in my abyssal chest
A void trying to be filled
I forgot what it was it was like
To have a heart and offer it to another
A meaningless sacrifice
To a god that never existed
Aztec myth and Neanderthal paintings
A warm embrace
Just a clash of two bodies now
Love no longer a word
Lost definition in my dictionary
What's the point of trying
When every perspective is misguided
Lies piled on each other
I'm tired of this memory I possess
I only want to remember what its like
To be human once more
No longer this monster
Intent on feeling nothing
Shows how much fear I own
To hide from more pain
Pain I couldn't dare burden myself with
I dont want to back
Back to the scars and puddles of blood
I want to go forward and be happy

Its almost ready
In 5...4...
I can feel it
The spotlight growing brighter
Everything is on me
I'm the star of this one man show
Its always been me
Just me and the friends I create
The voices I put names to
3...2...1...
ShowTime!!
Sound of the gun emptying
This Shakespeare play starting
The way all others end
I shouldn't run
For the first time im a holy man
The curtains close
Ready for act 2
5...4...
There's so many chapters
Too many loves
Oh so many more lives
Wasted wondering how this will end
It seems so simple
The answers before you
I'm a false Romeo
Looking for my Juliet
I'm Macbeth hungry for power
3...2...1...
The stage is set
Audience vacant
Only mannequins attend
Production still going
My mouth moves
Yet words make no sound
Its a silent film
In slow motion
Fast forward please to where I'm happy
Where love attends all acts
But I'm misguided by a wish I made
On a star that went out
Call the curtains
Hand me the loaded gun
I'll send you all off
With a au revoir and **** it
Trigger slams back
Curtains fall
Standing ovation
Only 2 acts
My name was recited
Age was announced
And the reason this was another tragedy
The stage was set
I put on a play
Pretending to be happy
Knowing all to well
I'm nothing in the eyes of society
Another corpse
Another obituary
Another paycheck
Director will call cut
And my job is done

To foolish ideas
I bid good riddance
To these emotions
I find you repulsive
To this pack of smokes
I couldn't be happier to see you go
To these old picture frames
Holding all the memories
I so desperately want to leave behind
To these ways I've adopted
Thinking I'm something more
Then a stoner and a heartless fool
To these scars
Holding back the pain
To what defines me
I'm simply saying goodbye
I'm saying farewell
I'm packing my bags
Heading away from here
I'd rather be a homeless nomad
Then a miserable man
Everything has became a chain
Weighting me down
Slowly pulling me into the abyss
The Mariana Trench of depression and fear
I'm nothing more then a heartless ****** fool
And thus I bid farewell
To live my life alone as such

Some day the old bards
Will gather round from afar
Sing in unison the story
Around the great fire
Of the hunter and his beloved
Miles apart they managed to love
How she became weary of his absence
Began to love another man
One more closer to home
Less likely to leave for a hunt
One day the bards of old
Will sing how the hunter
Became a war god
Hungry for blood
Bleeding his anger
From the veins of all in his way
All he ever wanted was taken from him
It was never meant to be
She never truly loved him
She only loved the idea of him

He had a name
Nobody cared to ask for
Smiles filled with disgust
Pity stained their eyes
Business men passing by
No hand reached out
Just another guy who had it all
Lost it when the needle pierced his veins
Gorgeous women avoiding
Afraid they'll become ugly by association
His name was John
He had a wife and three kids
Left him when he started his addiction
He wasn't proud of the times he spent
Beating her in front of the kids
Throwing plates and fights over nothing
Cheating became a way of life
An affair turned into a divorce
A box by the garbage next to the 99 cent store
Saw him one day
Mom told me not to talk to strangers
But he had a face that said hello
I asked his name
He only said I should go away
I gave him the dollar
The very one I got from the tooth fairy
Just that morning
He mustered a tear and said he couldn't take it
I insisted he use it for a can of beans
He bought ramen
I didn't blame him
Not everybody likes beans
I met him the next day
Asked his name again
He just shooed me away
So I asked if I could buy his name
Another dollar pulled from my pocket
He said his name was John
And then I realized why I liked him
He was just like my dad
Scraggly beard and an appetite for money
I asked him why he was there
He asked if I had a ten
I couldn't pay the man so he didnt tell me
The next day I was eating a pb&j;
He asked for a bite
So I brought him a loaf of bread
The peanut butter and jelly
I told him I didn't know how to make one
And I dont like sharing my food
He only laughed
A laugh so priceless
I knew he was a really nice guy
A cop came just moments later
Asked where my parents were
I told them exactly where
John said he didnt want any problems
And then I told the cop
Something that shocked both of them
He's my friend John
He's homeless and likes ramen
I might not know everything about him
But he's kind and makes really good pb&j;'s
Officer I dont want to go home just yet
The officer shook Johns hand
Gave him a twenty and said have a good day
John gave me a hug and said thanks kid
He told me his story
Told me everything about him
He was born 06/17/1961
Unfortunately he passed away today
01/04/2016 at 5:15am
That very same officer found him
Died of a heart attack
No one knows John
The only thing he never told me
Was his last name
He probably thought no one cared
John taught me that any moment could be your last
Don't ever get cocky
Makes your head too big and makes you stumble
He taught me that even the less fortunate
Are humans just as well
They hold stories nobody knows
They contain wisdom beyond comprehension
I loved John
He is and will always be a dear friend to me
He was a great friend
Even though the world saw a failure
I saw a man that was put through the ringer
Went 12 rounds with life
I saw a warrior
Even if his name wasn't John
He was my friend
Here's a pb&j; for you man

Started with a fight
Forgot about what
I only remember screaming
Fingers scratching at my head
Clawing trying to find them
Growing louder with every pull
My hair thinning quicker
Its happening all over again
I'm fading into another episode
The demons pleading to show their faces
I'm chasing the needle once more
Begging for that high
Praying for the pilot to turn the motors
I want a piece of it again
Taste the sky on my lips
Run the milky way on my fingertips
Its happening all over again
I'm losing who I am
Stranger in my mirror
What have I become
Eyes sinking in
Playing xylophone on my ribs
I'm moving but standing still
Lost touch with my dear friend reality
Are you a dragon or a tree
Could you be a clown or my boss
Do you wish to eat me or kiss me
I can feel it crawling under my skin
The high growing stronger
The looser this band gets
Candles burning stirring my thirst
Veins twitching prisoners to my own body
Tortured by these invisible beings
Its an invasion
Dropping corpses in every pulse
Instinct to run gone
I'm alone in this world
Maybe another 15CCs
Will bring me home to my wife and kids

They dont tell me anything
I can't say sorry enough either
Sorry that I let you into my head
I let you change who I was
Thinking I could be a better man for you
Here I am states away trying to figure out
What I'll do for the next few years
Without you in my arms
Will it always be questions
Scaring the **** out of me
Knowing at any second I could lose you
I'm scared to even tell you I love you
I can't prove it
I can't express it
I'm sorry you fell for me
Hopefully we can work this out

Your moans turn concrete to paper
These walls no longer sustains them
They only grow louder
Your thighs placed tightly together
As if to hide something from me
The bandit of unknown treasures
Shhh..keep quiet
Keep very still
I think your looking for this rabbit
To jump into bed with you
Honey, jackrabbits' ****
Like me and you on Sunday morning
I'll take you to church
Between these silk sheets
Make you sin ten thousand ways
So every syllable of the lords name
Wont be used in vain
You can feel it
The grip of my hands
Tracing a canvas of innocence
With outlines of chaos
Let go, taste freedom
The freedom of *******
And sweaty moans knocking
On paper walls
Shhhh they'll hear us
I can't control it
My lips ever so softly
Trying to find the best part of your body
From lips to neck
Shoulders, chest, and stomach
Hips, thighs, and retreat
Clothes no longer an issue
Im free to lick wherever I please
****** to bellybutton
Perhaps a little lower
Im sorry I'm such a tease
Maybe I'll just satisfy you now
I tug at your hair
A quick little play of it on the back of your neck
A smack on your ***
As we pretend we're animals for the night
Dogs or horses
Either way I'll teach you
How a real man
Pleases the woman he loves

You act as if I'm not scared
Only explanation I gave myself
Was that you met someone better
Someone closer
I grew so paranoid
Loved ones didn't know who I was
Why couldn't you just say it
Tell me how you felt
And don't say because I didn't do it
I didn't want to open up
And my explanation be true
Yet how am I supposed to think otherwise
When I'm a mere distraction
Something so small in your life
You look over me
Even when you're looking dead at me
You know you're on my mind
A million ways before Sunday
Yet somehow I feel
I'll never be on yours
I know the distance is killing us
But fear is why your losing me
And I'm losing all I need

Remnants of how it used to
Fresh flowers still blooming
There couldn't have a been a better time
I smiled and forgot what it was like to be insane
I had love, joy, and peace
A worlds dream
Bundled in the gleam of your eyes
When cheesy lines
Carried countless passengers
Between cellular service
These scars bleed again
Because questions befell me
How does one explain
To ones many minds why you disappeared
I couldn't put a finger on it
So I called for a self destruction
Initiated after you couldn't talk to me
About how I felt
How you feel
Am I supposed to just lay on my back
Play puppy while my hearts being stomped on
By invisible feet
I don't want to play games
"I miss you"
You shouldn't miss me
I wasn't there
I was just another voice in the background
Waiting for my turn to talk to you
I titled this decaying
I'll tell you why
My loving, caring side is decomposing
You hung it out to rot
And still refuse to give it the life
It so desperately needs
That lays on your breath
Formed by your lips

The undeniable truth
Is that I feel I'm the only one
In this questionable relationship
Really trying to make something work
I've been more heartache
So any excuse that you've been hurt
Wont affect me
I've been used just for ***
Played with and dragged along
Rag doll to her pretty little fingertips
The truth is I dont see us together
Much longer if we're together now
Ever if we're not
I see me getting hurt again
Being used and mislead
I see me just getting snagged
In your trap you call eyes
Its only me in this
I dont know about you
But I learned to dance with another person
Or ever danced at all when I was alone
The truth, you wanted it
Me and you would be pointless
You doubted me to begin with
I doubted myself then
Here I go again
Doing it all over
Just on repeat
Because I'm too scared to tell you myself
But what's to stop me from
Telling everyone here
The truth **** it
Is that I'm madly in love with you
States away and I'm trying
The fears and realizations
Factors and data
Spreadsheets and diagrams
How the hell am I supposed to believe it
That I'm losing the only ******* thing
That's ever meant something to me
I can't take this
Scars are reopening
Liver is getting abused
Lungs suffocating
I dont know what to do
I dont know how to react
What the **** is the point of trying
When everything seems to just fail
I am insane
I am ******* crazy
But **** it I dont need a reminder
I draw pictures for you
You haunt my mental state all hours of the day
Yet I dont want to be the one to only say
Good morning
Goodnight sweet dreams
I love you
I'll just go back to talking to myself
Ridding myself of all these emotions
Become a shell that doesn't give a ****
The truth my love
Is that everything seems pointless
And you can't put it in perspective
For me to understand
I try telling you
What's wrong with me
Why I'm so short with you
Why I'm distant for no apparent reason
This is why
Its all to no avail
But of course you'll never care
You'll never change
I'm the zero in your equation
Completely redundant and pointless
All I wanted was a life with you
A future that I could be proud of
Where you wont feel fear
Only know love and compassion
But now I see if all fading
That's expected when its only one person
Holding hands with his shadow
Just to find love that he shows