They sit me down and I have this sinking feeling in my stomach because their faces say 'we know we know' and I tried so hard to hide it and God knows I tried to stop it

"We think you should go see someone"

Silence. I almost laugh. Their faces say, with tightening eyes, 'tread gently we don't know what kind of grenade we have here gently gently'

"Think about it, at least"  

I've thought about it, oh I've thought about it. What else could i think about but all the possible checklist methods to get myself out of this half-existence? Talk to someone. Of course. because i am a perfectly rationale human being whose words don't come out like crushed ice through a broken dispenser, whose thoughts and motives aren't foreign and terrifying as a black hole in deepest space like a person i don't even know could begin to find a beginning or an end to this cycle of bizzare emotional wreckage that has become my identity.

"Okay"  

They leave because they don't want to scare me away. The rabbit can only bear so many rustling footsteps and cracked twigs before it shoots off like a bullet from a gun into darker forests.

i lay on my bed but i can't listen to music because my iPod is dead so i just listen to the cracking sound my lungs make when i breathe.  

Then i get up, go into the bathroom, and lock the door

There's a knife in my stomach  
And I have two options:
Pull it out and watch as the blood comes pouring from the wound
And hope there's a surgeon around
Or leave it there
And maybe it won't hurt as much after a while
Not that the pain would lessen
But that I would become used to it
As if the knife was part of me.

I'm scared of my own head
And I'm lying all the time
Just waiting for someone to finally see (don't see)
That the last thing I am is fine

I walked out of the bright sunlight
Into the windowless room
How dark it is, I thought,
Sitting down on the cold floor

I heard nothing
Not even the sound of my own breath
How peaceful it is, I thought
As chill crept into my skin

I pressed against the wall
My teeth were chattering now
And things began to take shape in the blackness
Twisting things
Frightening things

I couldn't feel my hands anymore
And my throat was raw
Cold fingers on my neck
My skin turned to crumbling stone

And when I heard pounding on the door  
I gave no answer,
Too ashamed of the darkness
And what it had done to me

"How horrible this is" I whispered to myself
As I grew colder
And colder
In that dark room, alone

There's a certain comfort to be found in sadness
That happiness cannot offer

Happiness asks so much of us
And the pressure wears away at the mind

While sadness never demands, never expects
Always there when joy fades
When peace disappoints
When faith breaks

It wraps us in cool arms
That chill to the bone
Until sweet numbness slides in

I'm still not sure which sets me free

The music goes in through my ears
And comes out through my eyes  
Flushing me clean
From the inside out